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Jackson Murphy, Child Movie Critic, Is Almost Definitely A Robot

Obscenely talented kids scare the crap out of me. Mostly because I think they’re robots. Jackson Murphy, an 11 year old movie critic, is the current focus of my child prodigy phobia. He speaks in well-written sound bytes and seems to have no ability to actually answer a question. Kind of like, well, a robot. This isn’t some sort of crazy conspiracy theory thing, this is me, a concerned Holy Taco writer, trying to warn the public. Just because he’s charming and precocious, doesn’t me his guts aren’t made of metal. The human qualities of charm and precociousness can be broken down into algorithms and applied to computers.

I certainly don’t hate this kid (if he is, in fact, a kid), or wish any harm on him. He’s obviously just a product of the entertainment industry machine. Manufactured in the same prop shop where they made the girl from that show “Small Wonder.” Hollywood’s been manufacturing child robots for years to give their propaganda a more gentle touch. If you’re unclear as to whom I’m referring to, take a look at this video:


In this clip, he starts by picking apart Christopher Nolan’s Inception. He says things like “I hate it when characters use dialog to move the plot forward.” and “It was confusing.” Now you’re saying, “Well if Jackson Murphy was really a robot, he wouldn’t be confused by the movie Inception?” Yes, that’s true, but that’s what makes the corporation who programmed the Jackson Murphy Bot absolute geniuses. It would make sense for a real eleven year old to call a movie confusing, that’s what makes Jackson Murphy Bot come off as a more believable eleven year old.

In an interview with Jay Leno, he mentions that his favorite movie is Beauty and the Beast. Hmm. That sounds like the kind of answer a robot posing as an eleven year old movie critic would give, does it not?

What’s more amazing, is that he named Toy Story 3 as his favorite film of the year, and then he accurately predicted the winners in all the major categories… If a grownup movie critic did the same thing, you’d all be calling Shenanigan’sKid’s say the darndest things, don’t they? Especially when they’re programmed to say such things!

I’m not trying to start some sort of whacked out rumor here. I’m just telling you all that the media is not afraid to use robots to further persuade you to consume their products. Jackson Murphy Bot is just the latest example. I’m like 99% sure that I’m dead on about this one. I was wrong about Obama, but that was kind of a reach anyway, because robots don’t smoke cigarettes. I should’ve known that.

4 Responses to "Jackson Murphy, Child Movie Critic, Is Almost Definitely A Robot"

  1. punintended says:

    this kid is the fucking devil’s spawn in true form if i’ve ever seen it

  2. Gavin S. says:

    That kid is just creepy. Too smart by half.

  3. jimmy smith says:

    fuck you holytaco, how can you be afraid and not wish harm on this kid? you’re turning into shit HT, you’ve been rapidly declining and you’re garbage compared to barstool sports.

  4. Myles Long says:

    When asked if he had ever seen a black and white film a robot would have said White Men Can’t Jump. And if he really is a robot why don’t they turn the god damn volume down on this freak of nature.