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Japan Will Never Master Jet Pack Technology


 It’s no secret that within 50 years Asians of all types will be in control of the world. The Chinese will have finally broken America’s legs for not paying our debt in time, the Japanese will have their finger on the button that makes all of our Japanese designed and manufactured home appliances and doo-dads become sentient, and the Koreans will have completely taken over our coveted Starcraft 2 servers. But one thing we can always feel safe knowing is that no Asian country was able to do the one thing that we have: create a fully functional jetpack.
The video below is top secret footage stolen from the Japanese military and it was cleverly shot to make us Americans believe that it’s all just a silly stunt being performed on yet another wacky Japanese game show. We see through your lies and cover ups, Japan! We also know about your plan to make us say a bunch of gibberish before slapping us in the nuts.

Here in the states, we have a show called Mythbusters where this idea was once tested. But the Mythbusters crew used a dummy instead of an actual person as a test subject. And that is the defining difference between Asians and Americans. Where we are skittish when it comes to harming another human in the name of science, Asians are so plentiful that they figure sacrificing one or two of them won’t really mean a whole lot, just as long as they are the dominant economic force in the world. So, until America wakes up an is willing to strap its citizens on to complex and highly unsafe and untested machinery for the sake of discovery, then we’re all going to have to start learning to like tentacle rape. That’s the only thing the Asians will be willing to trade with us in exchange for the one or two highly valuable things that we would still be making, one of which would probably be a technologically advanced, space age Snuggie that comes equipt with a pocket for our Baconators and a tiny projector that allows us to watch Fox News on any surface — even on our cankles as we lie back in our recliners/toilets.

In the end, though, the Asians will never be able to top us in jet pack technology. So when they inevitably board their giant ships made of an element that they created and sail over to America to knock on our doors and ask for our deed to the land, we’ll all be able to strap ourselves in to one of the babies in the video below and hightail it to Canada and maybe – just maybe – we can finally bring some good old fashioned American incivility to the land of politeness and poutine.

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