Jeff Dunham is More Popular Than Holy Taco

If you’re new to the English language, the title of this post probably gave you a seizure.  If you’re a native speaker, likely the same thing happened.  After all, through what perversion of the beauty of language could such a sentence be slapped together if not as a result of diabolical manipulation?  If you shoved a pencil up the devil’s ass, that’s what he would write.  And then later you’d be doodling something and absentmindedly put the end of the pencil in your mouth and at that moment you would be rimming the devil by proxy and it would be all Jeff Dunham’s fault.

According to Facebook, we here at Holy Taco have about 5400 fans.  That’s respectable and more people than the entire editorial staff have had sex with combined.  On the other hand, Jeff Dunham has over 3 million fans.  A statistician assures us that it’s unlikely more than 1,000,000 of them like him ironically, or because they’re illiterate and didn’t know what they were clicking.  That still leaves about 2 million legitimate fans.  Of Jeff Dunham.  But how?  HOW??

Let’s break it down, MC Hammer style;

Source of Fame

Jeff Dunham: Famous because of racist and/or horrible ventriloquist puppets.  There’s a purple mongloid, an insensitive depiction of the scorched remains of a Middle Eastern fundamentalist, and some old ass man.  And a jalapeno pepper.  Hilarious?

Holy Taco:  We put out galleries of 25 similar things, inner monologues of people whose thoughts you never really wanted to know, impractical how-to guides and the odd picture of boobs.  We’re pretty much like Jesus if he was made of binary code.

Edge:  Holy Taco

Most Notable Contribution to the World of Humor

Jeff Dunham:  I KEEEL YOU! and/or veiled intolerance

Holy Taco:  The 10 Most Worthless College Majors

Edge:  Holy Taco

Recognized By…

Jeff Dunham:  Aforementioned purple mongloid, hand in the ass of a small, turban-wearing zombie.

Holy Taco: Mexican food that wields thunder

Edge:  Tie 

Offers Fans…

Jeff Dunham:  Seizures, porch-swing racism, the disdain of their peers

Holy Taco:  Photoshop contests, daily content, recycled boob photos

Edge:  Holy Taco 

Creative Genius…

Jeff Dunham:  A 48 year old Texan who makes dolls talk

Holy Taco:  B list internet comedians from Canada, South Dakota and Florida

Edge:  Tie

Notable Achievements:

Jeff Dunham:  Voted top Comic on Comedy Central, is the top grossing stand-up comedian in North America, sold over 4 million DVDs

Holy Taco:  Gets on Digg a couple times a month

Edge:  Probably Dunham

But Keep in Mind:

Jeff Dunham:  DVD is still less common than Chlamydia.

Holy Taco:  Under new management.  With Chlamydia.

Edge:  Tie

Future Plans:

Jeff Dunham:  Make a puppet that’s offensive to women, gays, people of a dusky complexion.  Write some jokes that make puppets seem edgy and cool as understood by people who refused to watch In Living Color back in the day.

Holy Taco:  Make out with celebrity too drunk to know how badly she’s slumming it, write some articles about topical things like Kanye West and Y2K.

Edge:  If the celebrity is Jessica Alba, Holy Taco.  If the celebrity is Tara Reid, probably still Holy Taco.

Conclusion:

Straight up it seems pretty clear that Holy Taco has a metric shit ton more going for it than Jeff Dunham, so how do we explain the disparity between Dunham and us?  Even if we were to accept the premise that people really take a shine to racism, the amount of intolerance in our comments section makes it seem like we should be on even footing.

No, at the end of the day, it’s almost too obvious.  Jeff Dunham is more popular than Holy Taco because, as a skilled puppeteer, Jeff Dunham has, and will always, be able to give out satisfying handjobs at a pace we could never keep up with. F*ck.