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Jemima Packington, the Asparagus Psychic [VIDEO]

Psychics get a bad rap, especially when it turns out they’re phony lying charlatans. TLC’s Theresa Caputo looks to be the latest victim of fraud-shaming, as more and more skeptics are calling for her show to be cancelled and for her to go away, simply on the basis that everything about her is a total fraud.

If your faith in wacky psychics is in danger of crippled thanks to cases like Caputo’s, then it’s time you found yourself a new hero. Like this work of art:

Healthy food, healthy body, unhealthy mind.

Jemima Packington is a British soothsayer who claims to be the world’s only “asparamancer”. Since she had to coin the term herself, we believe her. Nobody else would use stalks of asparagus to predict the damned future, but that’s exactly what she does. To be fair, it’s a better use of the vegetables her grandkids refuse to eat than simply throwing them out.

While it may look like she oopsie-doodled and dropped her asparagus all over the place, thus depriving her of learning all the winning lottery numbers, she actually did it on purpose. According to her, the position of the fallen stalks, plus the amount of loose bits that come off, help her to interpret the future. Which means don’t even try this shit with fresh asparagus. Only the stale and crumbly variety will aid you with your life choices.

By the way: If she ever wants a real challenge, take away that blanket. Is it a loose leaf of asparagus or a simple blade of grass? The wrong answer could kick-start World War 3.

In this case, after dropping the stalks, they end up making the crude outline of a cat. Yep, that thing up there is a cat, she said so. Considering this lady probably lives with 857 of the damn things, it’s quite apropos. She interprets the placement of the stalks and leaves to suggest that the upcoming weather will be quite windy, with a lot of rain. You live in England, that’s not exactly an out-of-left-field idea. Predicting rain and wind there is like predicting everybody outside will have skin.

And that virtually everybody you meet will laugh their nuts off at you.

Not since Miss Cleo have we encountered such a trustworthy psychic. But just in case you still doubt her supernatural prowess, Packington has a very impressive resume she wants you to know about. Thanks to her leaves, she has made accurate predictions on winner of sports games (something that, without vegetables, only has a 50% chance of success), Will and Kate getting married after all (because there was still that .000000000001% chance that the Royal Family would’ve allowed them to call the whole thing off last-minute), and that The King’s Speech would win that year’s Best Picture Oscar. So the blatant Oscar bait film released closest to the Oscars won the Oscar? Clearly this woman knows something we don’t.

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