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Jennifer Love Hewitt And My Childhood, Explained

Jennifer Love Hewitt lost 19 pounds and Health magazine interviewed her. The few excerpts I read were boring as dogshit, except for this rather awkward quote, via people.com:

“I wish I had been nude from the time I was 12 until I was 28. I looked great!” the Ghost Whisperer actress, 29, tells Health magazine in its September issue.

This got me to thinking. I’m a year younger than her, and her rise to fame coincided with my discovery of masturbation. So, in an effort to better represent what Jennifer Love Hewitt meant to me, I’ve constructed this chart:

LEGEND:

  1. Hewitt played a small part in Sister Act Two. It was the only video tape my parents owned. The number is so low because it’s really hard to masturbate to a video that cuts to Whoopi Goldberg every fifteen seconds.
  2. Party of Five came on the air and I got a television in my bedroom.  Unfortunately my bedroom door didn’t lock.
  3. I moved out of my parents house and “I Know What You Did Last Summer” came out on video.
  4. I got a high speed internet connection on the computer I shared with my roommates.
  5. I got a high speed internet connection on my own computer.

9 Responses to "Jennifer Love Hewitt And My Childhood, Explained"

  1. if i had two days with JLH i would cook her some corn on the cob. The next day i would get a bowl, ask her to shit on my face and then pick the corn out of the crap to my liking.

  2. Jay T. says:

    You missed a high point: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer… where she bounces around in lowcut shirts and at one point is attacked while lying on a suntan bed in a very small bikini. Yeah, I’m 28 too, so she was important…

  3. Stifler says:

    what a fucking cock tease. she knew she looked great the whole time, yet to my knowledge never exposed a nip or bare ass in any of the films she was in. FUCK

  4. Buddy Ice says:

    It looks like there are quite a few of us who can lay the blame for chaffed penises, and protein stained socks to this well-breasticled B-Actress. For me it’s a close race between Love-Hewitt and the less well known Kari Wuhrer.
    By the way, when you guys ran Kari Wuhrer for MILF Monday it was like seeing an old girlfriend that you haven’t quite gotten over yet.

  5. fedele says:

    omg…the sexy woman seems i have seen her,oh…remember her now, seems she is playing on tall dating site :” Tallmingle.c o m “,but she is not tall ,why???

  6. Ali says:

    Interesting. I would have thought you to begin masturbating at am earlier age.

  7. Buddy Ice says:

    Ali, of course we did. I would have to say it was the summer of 1990 or 1991 that I began to flog the dolphin, but while enjoyable, it was, to say the least, clumsy and awkward.
    However, by the time ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer’ came out, circa 1997, our fine motor skills were so highly developed that our wrists and hands could simulate the exact contractions of Love Hewitt’s vaginal walls around our penises should she be having sex with us. This making the experience more realistic, instead of our early days, when it more resembled the shaking of a can of spray paint by a stage 3 epileptic.

  8. Erik says:

    AHHHH, AHHHHHSQUIRTSQUIRTDRIBBLE,,,,,,,DRIP.
    aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!,

  9. Anonymous says:

    Anyone remember the Jennifer Love Hewitt Cheerleading Tryout?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yoLI-0DqwzQ

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