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Jonas Brothers Will Marry Fan, But Not Bang One

When I was 15 all I thought about was having sex. I’d get an erection if I bumped into a table, or wore silky basketball shorts. Unfortunately, I looked like Stephen Hawking if he all of a sudden got up from his wheel chair, put on any t-shirt that represented a pac-10 school, and then lost twenty pounds. Nobody would have sex with me. So it pisses me off to no end to read about these Disney creations called “The Jonas Brothers” who have legions of chicks wanting to bang them, but insist on not just being celibate, but totally pushing a fake bullshit statement that Disney prepared for them, when asked about dating, as if they they don’t ever think about screwing. Usmagazine.com reports:

On Tuesday, the boys took to their MySpace page to answer fan questions.

First up: Would they ever date a fan?

“The answer is YES,” they write. “We have already dated fans or girls that are not celebrities. In fact, we really like to believe that the girl we will spend our lives with will be our biggest ‘fan.’”

I don’t think they actually operate their myspace page. I feel like Disney just hires some 65 year old out-of-work screen writer who wrote a few lifetime movies in the eighties that consisted of Meredith Baxter Berney getting the shit kicked out of her. I imagine him sitting in the bowels of Disney, in some tiny dark office and some dude opens the door and is like “Wilbur, corporate says we need you to make a post on the Jonas Brothers myspace page about how much they love their virginity and long for marriage,” and then Wilbur’s like “Can I finish masturbating to this photo of my cunt ex-wife showering that I took yesterday?” and the guy’s like “Yeah, whatever dude, just post before lunch.”

I don’t think the Jonas Brothers should make a statement saying they’re going to marry their biggest fan. It could end up looking like this:

It’s the future, so I figure Tesh would have gotten a sex change by then.

24 Responses to "Jonas Brothers Will Marry Fan, But Not Bang One"

  1. Caitlyn says:

    Just because someone has sex,it doesn’t mean their a sult or whore.Now if the person did it alot.like daily than yah its a problem.And its THEIR desision if they wanna have sex before they get married.

  2. April V says:

    Pssh, If they would I would marry Nick, definetley. :)
    I have this HUGE poster of Nick on my wall(By HUGE I man life size!).

  3. tn says:

    this is stupid .
    really stupid they’re only guys of course they
    think of tht stuff, but because disney is for kids & theyre on it means nothing, theyre staying pure because they want to be gentalmen & anyways kevins getting married sooon so his ring is gunnna be gone real sooon .

    this is retarted im a fan, &
    jusst cause theyre on disney channel
    doesnt mean theyre gay & it has nothing
    to do with being pure .

    its their religion .

    jeeez, fck tha media sometimes.

  4. Taisha McCarter says:

    It’s their lifes and if they want to have sex until they are married then let them.Their is nothing wrong with being a vigin when you are a star.Just to say if you were a star and your not ready to have sex are you going to force yourself? This information here is like your forcing The Jonas Brothers to have sex. Also I think that purity rings are cool and I cant wait to get one. So if you think that they should have sex right away than you think that but its their bodies and they can do whatever.

  5. maddy loves joe jonas and jb says:

    i love jb and especially joe jonas and i am from Romania.i think it’s a good think that you are all pure until marriage.i have a purity ring too and i want to marry joe.i love him so much.but i know i have no chances.but i will always love you and suport you joe.i sincierly love you.jb i love all your songs and i love very much your music.please come in Romania soon.you have a lot of fans here,guys.we love you JB!!!Romania loves JB!!!

  6. Anonymous says:

    WHO FUCKING CARES ABOUT THEIR ViRGINITY IT”S THEIR”S NOT YOURS!!!!

  7. Mrs. Jonas says:

    SEX IS FUN!!!! I think that the Jonas should be allowed to do what they want without feeling pressured. Everybody else is doing what they want and having a good time doing whatever they are doing. Just like me.

  8. Melissa says:

    People shouldnt talk about them if they once went through the same thing! Everyone need an experience and i think that they should do what they want and have fun with it :)
    P.S. You should write me sometime!

  9. Anonymous says:

    g*d dammet!!! yall have absolutley NO LIVES WHATSOEVER!! ur just so jelious b/c nobody likes u and ur dissing on the most wonderful band on the planet…..wow yall deff need 2 get a life.!!!

  10. strat89 says:

    you wanna know how I know you’re gay? You just said The Jonas Brothers was “the most wonderful band on the planet.”

    oh and you spelled god as g*d.

  11. strat89 says:

    I think your vested interest in defending the Jonas Brothers is waaayy more disturbing than the author of this article…

  12. Anonymous says:

    Who fucking cares about the jonas brothers anyway? If you think their music is good, you simple dont know what music is :)

  13. sTuPiD pEoPlE says:

    whoever wrote this has no life and is actually jealous because girls like the jonas brothers!! what the hell is wrong with being a virgin….not everyone in the world are sluts and manwhores!!!!

  14. Anonymous says:

    Okay seriously. What is the point of this?! To be honest I don’t think Disney put them up to anything considering the fact their dad is a freaking PRIEST! Why do people constantly have to bag on them?! So they won’t have sex with a fan, big whoop! At least they’re not complete assholes like most famous people who won’t even give someone that’s NOT famous a second look. At least they’re willing to give one of their fans a shot. If they don’t want to have sex DON’T pressure them! It’s their choice and their parents were the ones that got them into abstenence. It’s not even that they don’t want to have sex, it’s that they aren’t going to have sex until marriage. That’s the whole point of the purity rings. So, whoever wrote this is seriously disturbed and doesn’t know what they’re talking about.

  15. babyj88 says:

    wow! here is wats going on. the jonas brothers arn’t going to hav sex becuz they were taught that the right thing to do is wait. people only gossip about this becuz they are some of the only people who don’t care wat people think about them, their beliefs or their purity rings.

  16. skyla says:

    you have no life if you think that this bs.so what if they dont want to screw some random girl or their girlfriend its their life and they’ll do what they eant with it so back the f off

  17. dalis jonas says:

    IM FREAKIN IN LOVEWITH NICK AND I KNO U GUYS R NOT TALKIN BOUT HIM AND IF U R IM GOING TO FIND OUT WERE U LIVE AND BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF U GUYS U HERE ME AND NICK IS A GOOD BOY AND HE SAYS’I WILL NOT HAVE SEX TILL I GET MARRIED’ AND I THINK THATS A VERY GOOD THIG TO DO SO YEA IF U HAVE A PROB WITH ME JUST REPLY BACK OR DEAL WITH IT

  18. MCP says:

    wow. really?

  19. Futura says:

    Could you help me. I like coincidences. They make me wonder about destiny, and whether free will is an illusion or just a matter of perspective. They let me speculate on the idea of some master plan that, from time to time, we’re allowed to see out of the corner of our eye.
    I am from Guinea and learning to speak English, tell me right I wrote the following sentence: “If you come up with any novel font stacks based on this approach, please do blog them the sources of font information for the matrix are as follows Fonts in emacs and earlier are named using the x logical font description then set w bdf filename alist to the list of fonts returned by using.”

    Thank you so much for your future answers ;-) . Winona.

  20. Stoned Chaplain says:

    Well of course they wouldn’t have sex with a girl. And I am pretty sure virginity doesn’t apply to male anal sex.

  21. Anonymous says:

    I have a friend in prison and he says word on the “street” is the only way to cure homosexuality is to have anal sex.

  22. Jay T. says:

    Nick Jonas was later quoted as asking, “Does it count as losing your virginity if it’s your brother?”

  23. Hanky panky says:

    Well, just because he’s a virgin, it doesn’t mean he is a bum virgin.