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The Journey to Find the 5 Best Chicken Wings on Earth

Chicken wings are delicious and manly, we know this because flightless birds died to satiate our hunger for their useless limbs by the plateful. Vegetarians weep every time a Monday 25 cent wing night rolls out and, frankly, that’s OK. But the sad fact is not all wings are created equal. In point of fact, it’s almost guaranteed that if you like wings, some inconsiderate and shameful bastard has tried to feed you some scrawny, withered shards of bird meat that could very well have been torn from the carcasses of roadkill before being rolled in honey garlic.

A more proactive group of writers might have gone out to find you the source of the best wings in the land and presented you with that top 10 list. But honestly, do you know how many restaurants serve wings in this country? Neither do we, but probably it’s way over 50 and our car only had a quarter tank of gas. In light of that, here’s what we found on our journey to find the best chicken wings on Earth.

 

5 – Ed’s Diner

This isn’t Ed, but it may as well be.

Ed’s, located about 5 minutes from most of the downtown bars, is a popular place to stop after last call to pick up some perogies, a corned beef sandwich and an earful of mildly racist hatred from Ed himself. At 72 years old, Ed dislikes anyone who appears somewhat tanned, will put sautéed onions and bacon on literally everything, and refuses to take root beer floats off the menu despite not having a soda fountain since 1979 and no ice cream on site.

For $6, Ed will cook you up a plate of wings that may or may not be boiled, served with Tabasco sauce, salt, pepper and, if you get there early enough, ketchup. The chickens from whence they came very likely had muscular dystrophy. We ate about 6 dozen and left feeling depressed and slightly uncomfortable while Ed told us about how the Italians had turned his first wife into a whore.

4 – Airport Casey’s

Is it a restaurant or is it the lobby in Hell? Oh man, who can tell? Whether it’s the charming wall décor that includes black and white photos of scantily clad grandmothers, old license plates and Mello Yello memorabilia, or the assorted drunks at the bar venting frustrations on their livers with $2 draft beer, Casey’s is a happening night spot for anyone stranded out near the airport or contemplating suicide.

We arrived just after 10 PM while the TV’s silently aired an episode of Star Trek: Deep Space 9 on mute that one elderly gentleman with a cigarette-stained mustache watched with rapt attention.

Our waitress, decked out in a tight top that revealed her Caesarian scar, brought our order of beer and wings along with a proposition for our intern that involved his ability to hold his breath. He declined. The BBQ wings, served with 4 carrot sticks and 2 celery sticks were about as good as the food that comes from a restaurant that has a porn vending machine in the men’s room could be. We left 4 on the plates along with a dose of our pride.

3 – Domino’s

We passed a Domino’s pizza while trying to find a parking spot for a better restaurant and figured why the hell not? The answer to that question is “because when you eat 2 dozen you will get the squirts.” Which we did. However, going down, their wings aren’t the most awful thing any of us have ever had in our mouths.

2 – Moxie’s

The thing about Moxie’s is that even though it’s a restaurant, all the waitresses have to dress like they think they’re too good for you. Being internet comedy writers, the sad fact is they are too good for us. Plus two of us had stains from previous wings on our shirts by the time we got there, so there was a curious mixture of shame and horniness as pretty girls pretended to be interested in us. You know that feeling you get during a lap dance? It was that feeling, with a bit of indigestion from the wings.

We ordered wings and a round of drinks which the waitress brought back promptly, refusing to make eye contact with any of us. He skirt was short enough that there was the faintest hint of undercheek at the back when she moved too fast. The wings were fine.

1 – 7-11

By now our stomachs were in the initial stages of something best not experienced by man nor beast. Some 132 chicken wings in various states of decay were clamoring for release so we stopped for some Pepto Bismol and discovered, in the cooler section, small boxes of what appeared to be Dominican chicken wings. Whatever the case, the label wasn’t English and there were 20 wings for only $3. It was as though destiny itself had brought us to this 7-11

While waiting the 5 minutes it takes for the wings to cook we enjoyed some Pepto Bismol and Coke slurpees, both to settle our stomachs and help ameliorate the brain addling effects of about 5 pounds of grease and beer.

The wings were a mixture of unpleasantly cold and furiously hot depending on the whims of the Reagan-era microwave the store generously let us use. They were dry and salty and, us not being zoologists this part is hard to confirm, they may not have actually been chicken. But they had no bones and dude, $3. That’s awesome.

 

24 Responses to "The Journey to Find the 5 Best Chicken Wings on Earth"

  1. 00kla the M0k says:

    In my own quest for the best chicken wings (a fictional quest) I came across a little gem of a pizza joint in immigrant-ridden Coachella, California. The wings were from vinegar fed chickens, packed in vinegar, cooked in vinegar, served in a vinegar rub with vinegar sauce. The quiet moments of peace I had later in the restroom were interrupted by my howls of shock as my anus attacked my wiping hand like a spitting cobra. The tissue was blasted from my hand and left it dripping with hot cranny juice. The wings and my lower GI tract cooperated to betray me.

    JOURNAL ENTRY #6

  2. Big Tuckin' Tim says:

    i think you meant ‘dripping with hot tranny juice’

  3. WOW says:

    Why didnt you just name this article “The last 5 places I got take out”

    Being a student at University at Buffalo and eating the greatest wings of all time all the time, I am declaring that this article has autism.

    Its called “Duffs” and its in Buffalo, NY. You lazy bastards.

  4. Toddot says:

    Duff’s for sure.

  5. DonkeyXote says:

    Dwight, what is it with you and sequential hermaphrodites, crusty panties, tranny juice, bible studies, anal foreplay and whatnot?

    Seriously kid, it’s pretty fucking easy to tell it’s you regardless of what silly little nickname you choose.

  6. Dwight K. Schrute says:

    I know a guy called DUFFY DOOF in my county. We call him that because he’s got a mad quack to his wad-release. It’s like you’d be jackin’ and pullin’ his monster cock meat and I swar to God it sounds like a quacking duck.

    quacksh! quacksh! quacksh! quacksh! quacksh! quacksh! *SPLAT*

  7. Phil Jones says:

    Yet you’re the one posing as Dwight and asking for schlongs and trannie…

  8. Tiny Dickman says:

    If by chicken wings you mean getting your dick sucked by a tranny in the bathroom, then yeah, good article

  9. Dwight K. Schrute says:

    Hey asshole, don’t be stealing my lines. What’s next? the crusty panties of my hermaphrodite sister after I grinded on her juicy little dick full of pubes and love juice enough to go around?

    Doutzen koutzen please!!!

  10. Tiny Dickman says:

    I believe we can accomplish more united, together we can be unstoppable! Join me!

  11. Bieber is a Lesbian says:

    If I say I was first do I have to put a racist comment or rude remark?

  12. john wayne says:

    I bet by the time I come back to the computer, at least 5 insecure assholes will comment on how they hated this article and HT in general. Still cant believe they turned the comments back on

  13. J.Doh says:

    Chicken Wings? Where?

  14. louis a says:

    What happened to HT>?

  15. Really? says:

    seriously guys. At least the people at holy taco attempt to put some sort of original content in the articles. The first guy can’t even say that his comment was original. If you hate this so much why the fuck do you come here to look at content? You should just stay on 4chan and masturbate until your back fat rides over the chair in your studio apartment. It’s not as if these dudes at HT are trying to be the fucking NY Times. Fuck yourselves. Turn the comments back off, it was better when assholes had to go elsewhere to say stupid bullshit.

  16. Tiny Dickman says:

    But I love you, I don’t hate all the HT guys, JUST THAT MOTHAERFUCKER JUSTIN

  17. Hater says:

    First of all Dwight K. Schrute should be shot. Second, Jim’s Wings of Fort Collins, CO hands down best chicken wings I’ve ever had. Finally, this article mad me laugh and so did some of the posts. …excepts for Dwight’s. I just wish I could punch him in the cock-sucker.

  18. Dwight K. Schrute says:

    - 10 points for not having a video of a guy fucking another in the ass.

    - 5 points for not making my hot tranny juices flow anymore at HT.

    I KEEP TELLING YOU GUYS, YOU GOTTA GIVE US SOME SAUSAGE! HUNKS IN TIGHT SPEEDOS FOR US THE HOMOSEXUALS – I’M ACTUALLY A TRAVESTY TO BE MORE SPECIFIC – AND THE GIRLS.

    BRING ON THE SAUSAGE SIZZLE!!!

  19. Buddy the Elf says:

    I love HT, but he quality of the comedy has taken a nosedive. Talk about mailing it in, jumping the shark, etc. Try harder guys!

  20. BW3s is the best.

  21. Anonymousses says:

    I’ll take a dozen traditional Mango Habanero.

  22. Hobo Joe says:

    Always with the complaining about HT. For the years I been reading comments here, its been the same whining.