Kanye West and Kim Kardashian Go on a Date

Setting:  A busy, hip, urban restaurant.  Waitresses dress like they are at the club, there is a wine list and a bottled water list.  All food is served in dishes devoid of right angles.  You can be Kobe beef sliders because they are whimsical.  They cost $35 each.  It is early evening, Kanye and Kim share a private, exclusive table.  The table cloth is hyper color and comes from Norway.  It’s awesome.

Kim:  Conway, what is a Sloppy Jew?

Kanye: Excuse me?

Kim: On the menu they have a Sloppy Jew.

Kanye: What?  No.  Did you call me Conway?

(Kim leans forward in a conspiratorial fashion, smiling)

Kim: I didn’t know you wanted me to call you Big Daddy Kane when we were in public.

Kanye: I don’t.  I do.  No, I don’t.  My name is Kanye, not Conway.

(Kim laughs)

Kim: That’s silly,  who ever heard of that name?

Kanye: Oh my God, really? You thought my name was Conway this whole time?

Kim: Duh, of course.  You can’t punk me, I saw Ashton Kutcher on That 70’s Show, I’m too smart for that stuff.  Conyay?  Come on.  Oh look, I conversated you, yay!  That’s silly.

Kanye: Oh my God.

Kim: No, but really, what’s a Sloppy Jew?

Kanye: Read it again.

(There is a significant pause.  Kanye changes his sunglasses twice.  It is not bright in the restaurant)

Kim: Oh, Sloppy Joe.  Joe Jonas? Oh my God, is he drunk?

Kanye: It’s a sandwich.

Kim: They named a sandwich after Joe Jonas?  Do you think they could name one after me?  Or a drink?  Kim Kardaquiri.

Kanye: It’s like ground beef and sauce on a bun.  I don’t know who Joe Jonas is.

(Kanye raises his hand.  A member of his posse surges from the shadows and gives him the thumbs up.  He smiles.  The posse member vanishes)

Kim: Oh my God, I forgot to tell you the news.  We just signed a new deal with E! for $40 million! Isn’t that great?

Kanye: You bought $40 million worth of E? Shit, woman.

Kim: No, the channel.  We renewed the -

Kanye: Listen, I want to hear what you have to say, but I need a minute.  I need a minute to say what I want to say, OK?

Kim: Oh, OK.

Kanye: Can I finish?

Kim: Yup.

Kanye: Can I finish?

Kim: Um…

Kanye: CAN I FINISH MY THOUGHT?

Kim: Y-

Kanye: That is too much money to spend on E.  I know a guy who can get you so much weed for that much.

Kim: No, I-

Kanye:  So much weed.

Kim: OK.

Kanye:  SO. MUCH. WEED!

(Kanye stands to emphasize his point. There is another notable pause).

Kanye: I need some Hennessy

Kim:  Ha.  Hens lay eggs.

Kanye: We should go to the beach this weekend.  I can have a guy tip off TMZ.  Then we can leave in a huff.

Kim: I’m so good at leaving in huffs.

Kanye:  When I see you leave in a huff, I maintain an erection.

(Kim blushes)

Kanye: I also get an erection when I listen to my music.

Kim: Ooh, me too.

Kanye: What?

(A waiter approaches)

Kim: Waiter, I want a Kim Kardaquiri

Waiter: Oh, I’m sorry, I’m not familiar with that.  If you tell me how it’s made, I can have the bartender make it right away for you.

Kim: Oh God, waiter –

Waiter: Kevin

Kim: I didn’t invent it, what am I, Winston Churchill?

Kevin:  I’m…sorry?

Kanye:  She’s on a lot of E. Now go fix her a Kardaquiri.

(This is the third pause.  Sweat beads on Kevin’s forehead as he pretends to write a note on blank pad)

Kevin: And for you, Mr. West?

Kanye:  Hennessy.  Served in a Grammy.

Kevin:  Oh.  I don’t think Grammy’s are shaped like cups, sir.

Kanye: Alright then, make it an Oscar.

Kevin: Oh. Um. Health code regulations state it has to be in a glass, sir.

Kanye: Pfft.  Haters.

Kevin: For sure.

(Pause the fourth)

Kanye: Calvin, are you agreeing with me?

Kevin: It’s Kev…um.  Yes sir?

(Kanye snaps his fingers.  Another posse member tackles Kevin.  A waitress replaces him almost immediately)

Waitress: OK, so that’s one Kim Kardaquiri and Hennessy served in an Oscar?

(Kim claps and Kanye gives her the thumbs up.  She leaves).