Setting: A busy, hip, urban restaurant. Waitresses dress like they are at the club, there is a wine list and a bottled water list. All food is served in dishes devoid of right angles. You can be Kobe beef sliders because they are whimsical. They cost $35 each. It is early evening, Kanye and Kim share a private, exclusive table. The table cloth is hyper color and comes from Norway. It’s awesome.
Kim: Conway, what is a Sloppy Jew?
Kanye: Excuse me?
Kim: On the menu they have a Sloppy Jew.
Kanye: What? No. Did you call me Conway?
(Kim leans forward in a conspiratorial fashion, smiling)
Kim: I didn’t know you wanted me to call you Big Daddy Kane when we were in public.
Kanye: I don’t. I do. No, I don’t. My name is Kanye, not Conway.
Kim: That’s silly, who ever heard of that name?
Kanye: Oh my God, really? You thought my name was Conway this whole time?
Kim: Duh, of course. You can’t punk me, I saw Ashton Kutcher on That 70’s Show, I’m too smart for that stuff. Conyay? Come on. Oh look, I conversated you, yay! That’s silly.
Kanye: Oh my God.
Kim: No, but really, what’s a Sloppy Jew?
Kanye: Read it again.
(There is a significant pause. Kanye changes his sunglasses twice. It is not bright in the restaurant)
Kim: Oh, Sloppy Joe. Joe Jonas? Oh my God, is he drunk?
Kanye: It’s a sandwich.
Kim: They named a sandwich after Joe Jonas? Do you think they could name one after me? Or a drink? Kim Kardaquiri.
Kanye: It’s like ground beef and sauce on a bun. I don’t know who Joe Jonas is.
(Kanye raises his hand. A member of his posse surges from the shadows and gives him the thumbs up. He smiles. The posse member vanishes)
Kim: Oh my God, I forgot to tell you the news. We just signed a new deal with E! for $40 million! Isn’t that great?
Kanye: You bought $40 million worth of E? Shit, woman.
Kim: No, the channel. We renewed the -
Kanye: Listen, I want to hear what you have to say, but I need a minute. I need a minute to say what I want to say, OK?
Kim: Oh, OK.
Kanye: Can I finish?
Kanye: Can I finish?
Kanye: CAN I FINISH MY THOUGHT?
Kanye: That is too much money to spend on E. I know a guy who can get you so much weed for that much.
Kim: No, I-
Kanye: So much weed.
Kanye: SO. MUCH. WEED!
(Kanye stands to emphasize his point. There is another notable pause).
Kanye: I need some Hennessy
Kim: Ha. Hens lay eggs.
Kanye: We should go to the beach this weekend. I can have a guy tip off TMZ. Then we can leave in a huff.
Kim: I’m so good at leaving in huffs.
Kanye: When I see you leave in a huff, I maintain an erection.
Kanye: I also get an erection when I listen to my music.
Kim: Ooh, me too.
(A waiter approaches)
Kim: Waiter, I want a Kim Kardaquiri
Waiter: Oh, I’m sorry, I’m not familiar with that. If you tell me how it’s made, I can have the bartender make it right away for you.
Kim: Oh God, waiter –
Kim: I didn’t invent it, what am I, Winston Churchill?
Kanye: She’s on a lot of E. Now go fix her a Kardaquiri.
(This is the third pause. Sweat beads on Kevin’s forehead as he pretends to write a note on blank pad)
Kevin: And for you, Mr. West?
Kanye: Hennessy. Served in a Grammy.
Kevin: Oh. I don’t think Grammy’s are shaped like cups, sir.
Kanye: Alright then, make it an Oscar.
Kevin: Oh. Um. Health code regulations state it has to be in a glass, sir.
Kanye: Pfft. Haters.
Kevin: For sure.
(Pause the fourth)
Kanye: Calvin, are you agreeing with me?
Kevin: It’s Kev…um. Yes sir?
(Kanye snaps his fingers. Another posse member tackles Kevin. A waitress replaces him almost immediately)
Waitress: OK, so that’s one Kim Kardaquiri and Hennessy served in an Oscar?
(Kim claps and Kanye gives her the thumbs up. She leaves).