Kanye West is a busy man. He has to refer to himself as a god in a non-ironic way during interviews. He has to simulate sex with his girlfriend in terrible music videos. He has to interrupt awards shows (which he was doing well before the Taylor Swift incident, like that time in 2006 when he lost an award and went on stage anyway to argue that he should have won), and also whine about awards shows when he doesn’t win, like the time he swore he’d never appear on MTV again after not winning at the VMAs.
To even the casual observer, Kanye West is a man whose talent in no way matches his ego. He has a chip on his shoulder and lives I a world where he can’t even comprehend how you can’t agree with his greatness because he’s simply convinced everything he does is wonderful. He’s a single minded narcissists and self aggrandizing fool who believes his opinions trump fact and who suffers a paranoia that manifests itself as the belief any criticism is unwarranted and indicative of people out to get him either due to racism, professional jealousy or some other unfathomable silliness when, in point of fact, people just don’t like him because he’s an asshole whose art is tiresome at best, especially since it’s chiefly concerned with giving himself metaphorical handjobs.
All that said, he’s a busy bee! What’s on the schedule for 2014? Lots!
January – Start work on new album. Think of subtle but poignant names that spesk of my talent and grace. Things like;
- KANYE WEST IS THE BEST MAN IN THE WORLD
- KANYAY! I WIN AT LIFE
- THIS IS THE BEST ALBUM OF ALL TIME
- YOU DON’T REALLY DESERVE TO LISTEN TO THIS
- JESUS CALLS ME FOR ADVICE
February – Plan a vacation with Kim and that baby, whatever it’s called. Find travel agent who can book me on trip to Mars, but one of those nice Mars hotels, not that dirty stuff I saw in Total Recall. Also look into getting America to pay for trip. Also design a shoe while I’m up there. Call it Mars Shoe by Louis Vuitton. $5000 a pair. Best shoe ever. So good.
March – Plan some kind of March Break thing and then not attend it because college is so stupid anyway. Get a college to pay me to show up and maybe not show up, but then keep the money and say it’s a fee for talking about me or to me. Also, March Madness. See if I can have the teams play at my house so I don’t need to go out and get attacked by paparazzi. Invite Paparazzi but act upset when they take pics of me.
April – A fun April Fool’s joke would be to tell people I’m retiring maybe. No, that’s mean, people can’t handle that. A fun prank would be maybe to let common people be near me sometime, so that they think they’re like me. That would be nice for them, too. Maybe I can go to the mall in Beverly Hills or something.
May – Finish up album. Settle on name;
- JESUS SUCKS, GOOD THINGS THERE’S ME
- YEEZER YOOZA YOWZA
- THE CLOWN AT MIDNIGHT
- KANYE WEST PRESENTS KANYE WEST’S KANYE WEST,A KANYE WEST PRODUCTION
June – Trip to Mars. No Kuatos.
July – Find out if someone organized a benefit concert for me. Benefit from it. Have someone call TMZ then go to beach with Kim. Leave in disgust when TMZ shows up. Maybe go to France. Call French paparazzi. Design underwear made from seal faces.
August – I don’t like Alabama. Make it go away.
September – Back to school time. Is the baby too young to go to school? Maybe hire a tutor to teach it all the things that I know. Or some kind of machine. Design a machine that can transfer my genius into a baby. But not all of it. No baby gonna be smarter than me.
October – Gotta plan a good Halloween costume. Maybe Zeus. Or like, if Jesus and Zeus and God and Caesar and Alexander the Great were all one guy. Design a Zeususarod the Great costume. Give myself 1st prize at my own costume contest. Have my assistant find out when the divorce will be finalized.
November – Destroy Turducken. No bird will stuff more than I can stuff. Stuff a turkey with 17 other animals and call it the Kanyeducken. See how I can make people be thankful for me.
December – Make extensive Kanyemas list to ensure I get everything I want. Disown all who don’t appease me.