Lauren Conrad Google Stalks

The internet is great for many things, like ordering wives from the Republic of Macedonia or researching the many ways to make a skin suit. But it can also be used for evil, like looking up dirt from someone’s past and throwing it in their faces. Seems that’s what Lauren Conrad does to everyone she dates. She’s the one who plays herself or a hooker or something on “The Hills” and she has admitted to googling her dates. From usmagazine.com:

Hills star Lauren Conrad admits she does background searches on her dates using Google.

“Yeah, [for] all of them!” she told the PopSugar network. “But I don’t believe everything I read though. I Google pictures to see ex-girlfriends and stuff.”

First of all, if she doesn’t believe everything she reads, why would she believe everything she sees? Has she never heard of photoshop? What am I saying, of course not. Regardless, this got me to worrying a little bit in case Lauren and I ever hook up (I said she was a hooker, but when has that ever given me pause?). I’ve only had 1.5 girlfriends in my life — the .5 being when a homeless woman licked my arm in TJ — but I was more concerned about the picture of me pre-surgery when my earlobes looked like mini-scrotums that might be floating around in cyberspace.

So to cover my ass, I went to Google Images and plugged in my name. After scrolling through the 6 pages of German porn images (seriously, NEVER give those sites your credit card), I came across a bunch of pictures that my name somehow inspired. Here are a select few:

I used to breastfeed and I went through a zebra ninja period for a while. And vikings are badass, but the other stuff makes me think I’ve been the victim of identity theft. Please God, let that be the answer.