Remember the 40 Year Old Virgin? Sure you do. Remember that line when Steve Carrell takes Kat Denning (dude, did you see she has topless photos online now? Sweet) to the sex education meeting and they talk about outercourse? Remember how you thought that was a bullshit word they made up for the movie? It totally wasn’t. It’s actually the silly ass term some people use to describe any sex that won’t result in your little spelunker heading into the dark recesses of the lady cave. But is there more to it than that?
If the modern world has proved nothing else it’s that all manner of repressed, uptight individuals want to know about your sex life and then condemn you for it and fix it. Scads of total strangers are very concerned with your junk and how you use it and so help you if you’re introducing it to others, especially if you’re unmarried/gay/young/elderly /not monogamous and so on. Those things mean you’re using your junk the way a blind drunkard might use a flaming bazooka full of sarin gas and rusty metal – it’s just unsafe.
According to various online sources, outercourse is whatever doesn’t end with sperm in the vagina. How’s that for a succinct definition? Probably it doesn’t start that way either. But the problem with this is that it’s vague and if I don’t want herpes ( I don’t) then I need to know more. Lucky for me, included in the definition of outercourse as found on a Planed Parenthood page, is cybersex. What better place for me to test out my new outercoursing skills than in a realm full of women who can’t reject me before I open my mouth because they can’t see me yet? Brilliant! To the chat rooms!
My first efforts lead me to this;
Bots are horribly uninterested in outercourse from the looks of things. Stupid naked robots. But then again, so are dudes who misinterpret my screen name.
The chat room seemed to be a bust too. Was it my choice of a lesbian room? We may never know.
Moving on. Maybe yahoo answers would be able to enlighten me, it’s pretty up to date on things. I asked my question.
My fatal flaw was in requesting a way to avoid herpes from the get go as the community of Yahoo scholars got hung up on that;
Telling my herpes are here to stay in no way enlightens me about the best way to dry hump someone.
I decided I’d have to investigate this little chestnut on my own before involving internet strangers. Google would be my doorway to awesomeness. The first site I found gave me this;
Is it weird that this made me laugh? It was the “rub back and forth” portion of the definition. But my keen research skills have been honed to the point where I know to never rely on a single site for all my info. Good thing eHow never lets you down.
Man, don’t you hate when you really like a new person, so you go to the clinic to get your HIV test, but the results just take forever to get back, because you’re both such a pair of disease-encrusted miscreants you can’t do anything without some manner of clinical confirmation that it won’t risk your life? Hello, Outercourse! You just saved my poxy day!
Looking over about 10 different sites has told me that outercourse does not include backdoor love (except when it does) you can’t be naked (unless you are) and there is no oral sex (unless you want to). I think people are making this up as they go along. But seeing is believing, so it’s time for an image search. I hope I don’t regret this.
Well, that seems nice and the cartoon is colorful and fun, so I appreciate that. Plus I enjoy the use of the term “shag.” What else ya got?
This doesn’t specifically relate to outercourse but it also made me laugh. Christian Nymphos would be an excellent name for a band.
The rest of the images are intimate couples photos, books, outdoorsmen and this;
Is this the end result of outercourse? A cat dooking in a toilet? That’s hardly where I want to take my weiner, even if it’s spicy the way God intended.
I felt at this point I had pretty much worn out the internet resources on the subject, so my last ditch effort was to call my local Health Unit and ask a registered nurse about some outercourse related concerns. Any guesses how that turned out for me? Here’s the paraphrased conversation:
Nurse: How can I help you?
Me: Hi, I’d like to know about outercourse.
Nurse: Excuse me?
Me: Outercourse, it’s like sex without having sex. I think.
Nurse: We have some pamphlets on sex education, or you can go to our website.
Me: Can’t you just tell me?
Nurse: I’m not sure what you want to know.
Me: I just want to know how to outercourse. Is it even a real word? Didn’t it used to be like second base or something?
Nurse: I’m not familiar with the term.
Me: Didn’t you see the 40 Year Old Virgin?
Call this one a bust too, it’s not getting me anywhere. I’m forced to conclude there is no particularly useful information to be learned as it relates to outercourse ad the word was probably just made up by abstinence supporters trying to sound trendy by missing the mark horribly. Second base sounds way cooler.