During war, America likes to dehumanize its enemies and turn them in to one-dimensional characters. We’re not in that business. We feel everyone one earth is a one-dimensional character that deserves to be mocked mercilessly. But we also feel that we should understand who is it we’re fighting against so we can better understand their mindset and, hopefully, one day become the best of friends with them, like we are with England over 200 years after we totally kicked their asses. They learned not to wear red and walk in a single file while on the battle field, and we learned that British actors do really good American accents. Obviously, our relationship has been beneficial to us both.
With America having been at war with Iraq and Afghanistan for over 9 years, we feel now is the best time to impart some cultural lessons about the world of Islam. Similarly, we also think it’s about time people started talking about the Spice Girls and Limp Bizkit, because those are also things that were big 9 years ago. But that’s for another time.
Today, we are going to educate you on a rarely discussed subject in the Islamic world: toilet etiquette. Now, it may sound silly to us, but in the Islamic world, using the toilet isn’t as simply as copping a squat, loading the bowl with poop and wads of toilet paper, then simply walking out, leaving the mess behind for the next guy to add on to. There are actually very particular and specific rules one must abide by. This code is known as Qadaa al-Haajah, which translates to “Relieving Oneself.”
The code breaks down in to a few rules, which are as follows…
While most of us in the western world think the only time prayer should be allowed during a poop is when a particularly large chunk of poo is tearing its way through our asses, and we mutter things like “Oh, Jesus… Oh, Chirst… Just make it stop…”, in Islam, you are expected to recite a prayer before you even enter the restroom.
“In the name of Allah, O Allah! I seek refuge with You from all offensive and wicked things (evil deeds and evil spirits.)”
We can only guess that this prayer’s purpose is to get a little Allah on your side before you drop a load that feels like you swallowed and somehow digested thumbtacks.
No Allah In The Potty
You know how sometimes you go to the bathroom with some reading material, like a newspaper or the latest mediocre Dan Brown adventure? Well, if you were Islamic, you would have to be very careful about what you take in to the toilet with you, as taking anything that bears the name Allah is a sin. That rule goes for anything. No Allah necklaces, no Allah bracelets, no Allah nothing. But that makes us wonder, what if you had, say, an Allah tattoo? Or one of your asshole friends wrote “Allah” on your forehead after you passed out drunk? Could you never go to the bathroom? Someone should contact this Allah guy and ask him the dire questions, for there are a couple thousand members of Islam out there with Allah tramp stamps that really have to drop a duce.
Silence Is Golden
Now here’s a rule we can really get behind: when you’re taking a dump, please, shut the f*ck up. In Islam, talking is forbidden when bowel evacuation has begun. But the rule goes further than that. If two men are defecating near each other (we assume this bathroom only has two toilets and they’re facing each other with no doors to separate them) you cannot look at another man’s genitals, nor should you handle another man’s genitals in any way. So if you’re used to pooping in direct view of your buddy Greg, who is also pooping directly in front of you, you should resist the urge to hold his dick and balls up so they don’t interfere with his wiping. We know, it’s something you can Greg have been doing since you were children, but rules is rules.
This rule is so well loved around the world that even America has adopted it. It’s a part of our unwritten code of male restroom conduct, and it’s called the “Seriously, dude?” policy.
This next rule is simple and is really just about a matter of respect. Let’s say your hanging out in the wilderness when you get that all too familiar rumble in your bowels. With no toilet in sight, you decide it’s time to find a bush and go to town. This is perfectly acceptable in the eyes of Islam, because even the Prophet understood that when you have to go, you have to go. So if you have to shit in a bush, shit in a bush, just don’t look toward Al-Qiblah, which is the direction Muslims pray towards.
This is just common courtesy. If people worshipped Holy Taco (c’mon, it’s in our name!) then we wouldn’t want people shitting while looking at us.
Don’t Piss Where You Eat
When we first heard that Islam has all of these rules for pissing and shitting, we figured they’d be overly oppressive and arcane. Turns out, they are, for the most part, just common sense rules that only delinquents and perverts would break. Perhaps the best example of this would be the rule regarding urination.
The rule breaks down thusly: Hey, you know that place where everyone always stands when they’re having their post-lunch smoke break? Yeah, well, don’t piss there. Or, you know that place where lovely young couples gather to hang out and look at the stars? Don’t piss there, either. In fact, just don’t piss anywhere people commonly do things.
We think that’s a pretty good rule. Our only problem with it is that it had to be mentioned in the Qu’uran, as if this were a rule that had to be handed down from above in order for us to follow it. It seems pretty common sense to us. It’s one of those things we all know as children. As a child, you know only a few things for a fact: it feels good when you press your pee-pee on warm stuff, ice cream is the shit, and you probably should piss on popular areas of congregation. Thanks for mentioning it, Qu’uran, but we were doing just fine.
Cleanliness Is Next To Godliness
Originally, the Prophet Mohammed was the only source you needed when it came to the do’s and don’ts on wiping your ass. But times have changed and, over the centuries, Muslims learned that maybe rubbing your dirty asshole with an odd number of stones (ideally, three) probably wasn’t the most effective way to clean up that mess. Nowadays, it’s perfectly acceptable to wipe with some toilet paper, but washing with water is a must, and it is a form of ritual purity. If baby wipes ever get introduced to the Islamic world, there will be chaos and confusion, no doubt.
But that’s not all. Just as you spoke a pray before you pooped, so must you after you poop:
Praise be to Allah who relieved me of the filth and gave me relief.
If this sounds like a familiar practice to you, then you’re probably an orthodox Jew that must recite the Asher Yatzar prayer after you use the restroom. The only difference is, a Muslim prays to Allah for basically just making things go smoothly, where as an orthodox Jew gives thanks to God for supply him with a hole in which to shit in. Not toilets, mind you, just the general idea of holes that you can put poop in to. If that isn’t humble, we don’t know what is? Maybe just the fact that God gave us buttholes that allow waste to escape? Any religions out there wanna give that prayer a shot?