Let Me Be Your Roommate!

Don’t know if you’ve ever searched for an apartment in a big city like New York, but it’s incredibly competitive. It’s like a popularity contest where the prize is not being homeless. A tiring process for sure, but if you want to the opportunity pay astronomically high rent and have a really cool mailing address, you’ve got to be a cut above the rest.  I’ll be digging up some listings and responding to them, attempting to be what I think would be the poster’s ideal roomie. Please, join me on my quest to be craigslist most in-demand roommate!

Hey There Coolest Weekend Dad EVER!

My name is Jim, and I’d LOVE to be your roommate. I’ve been digging around the list o’ craigs for like a bunch of weeks now and then BAM, my dream roomie drops an ad. This place is pretty much exactly what I’m after. Totally cool with the cats, the tats and the part time kid!

I really like the fact that you’re promoting a liberal/creative environment. I’m a well of creativity and I like vibing around people who vibe the same. You into painting? That’s mostly my thing, but I do a lot of splatter painting. Sounds like it might be mess, but it’s not. I mean it is, but it’s art, so it’s like by the end of my lease, my room will look like a Jackson Pollock memorial. Probably actually increase the value of it, LOL.

You smoke cigs? I do, hope you’re cool with that. Burning a pack of Spirits each day is a good way to stick it to the right, in my opinion. They’re the ones who want me to stop, so f*ck ‘em. I’m two-twelfths Apache so tobacco is like a spiritual thing for me. I hope you’re 4/20 friendly too I could picture the two of us now, just baking out watching Family Guy on your flat screen TV for hours and teaching your kid how to curse.

You tattoo? That’s god damn awesome. I’m totally getting some work done by you when we live together. I have this idea for a Mickey Mouse tat, and it’s like his face, and he’s looking at a map of the world and there’s a tear coming out of his eye. It’s in color too. I see a sunset behind it. It’s like a metaphorical thing. You dig? I know you do. I feel like I know you, man. You got an autoclave at home? Hope I don’t confuse your autoclave for a microwave when I’m juiced one night, hahaha. If I do, I’ll clean up whatever shrapnel my hot pocket leaves behind!

I can swing the rent. I “hurt my leg” when I was in the National Guard so I get $800 bucks a month from the Gov. That’s enough for rent, grub, a bag of ashes and my xbox live subscription!

Looking forward to hearing from you, man. I think it’s going to be a rad, rad summer!

- Jim