NASA, you have shown great wisdom in your decision to preemptively end your series of tests in which you were going to measure the amount of space radiation a human could endure by exposing 27 squirrel monkeys to gamma rays. Sure, the reason you didn’t go through with the testing was because PETA, in a very rare wise move, got all up in arms about the animal cruelty involved with such tests, but that’s beside the point. The real point is this: the world does not need giant, mutated, blood thirsty primates ravaging our cities and attempting to violently mate with our women. Those are our women – our human women. Only we humans get to violently mate with them. That’s our thing.
There are dozens of other reasons as to why this was a good move on your part. For starters, we are all familiar with The Hulk. Bruce Banner was a timid, mild mannered scientist…and then get got zapped with gamma rays and turned in to a big green guy with rage issues that had a hard time expressing himself verbally due to his vast stupidity. I’m not claiming to know much about squirrel monkeys and where they fall in the line of intelligent beings, but I’m willing to bet that they’re already pretty stupid in comparison to us. I know this because I don’t have a squirrel monkey as my primary physician. I don’t visit many blogs written by squirrel monkeys to get in-depth analysis on the world of politics. And, strangely enough, I can’t even hold a long, fascinating conversation with a squirrel monkey about the complex and intricate art of throwing your own shit at zoo goers. But maybe they take a “do as I do, not as I say” approach to teaching people about shit tossing, so I retract that statement.
Poor Professors of Poo Pitching
Squirrel monkeys started out as stupid, primitive creatures, and if we’ve learned anything from the many stories of Bruce Banner, they will only get dumber and even more primitive with prolonged exposure to gamma rays. It’s basic science that we all learned in our 3rd grade science class as we ignored the teacher and read our comic books.
So, on behalf of all human life, we thank you.
Also, radioactive monkey rape – that would have been a thing that existed if you had conducted these tests. And you guys would have been the first to get some glowing monkey wang all up your nerd butts.