Fat people and people who think they’re fat keep talking about the DASH diet, so we figured it was in our best interest to find out what it was, then make fun of it accordingly. The “DASH” part of it is actually an acronym which stands for “Dietary Approaches to Stop Hypertension” that means high blood pressure, for those of you who don’t have access to doctors. I guess it’s a good idea to follow a diet that might prevent high blood pressure, but I plan on dying early so it’s of no use to me.
Now I will review the basic bullet points of the diet, and tell you exactly why I can’t stick to it…
2 to 3 low-fat and fat free milk products per day.
Um, have you ever tasted fat free milk? It’s gross. Tastes like watered down elmer’s glue. I’d rather have a heart attack. I put heavy cream in my latte’s like a real Italian, thank you very much.
4 to 5 servings of fruit per day.
If donuts are a fruit, then count me in for this one. Donuts are way more easily obtained than pieces of fruit, which is upsetting because fruit literally grows on trees.
4 to 5 servings of vegetables per day.
Ok, like those are just sprouting out of the ground or something? Substitute one serving of veggies for one can of beer and I’m right there with you.
7 to 8 servings of grains per day.
You mean like oatmeal and wheat bread? No thanks. I’m just not into fiber. When I make a bowel movement, I like to put some work into it. I prefer a solid product that I can show my dad’s creepy friends.
No more than two servings of meat per day.
Gross, what is this, f*cking Russia? I’m eating a block of ham right now, as I type this. Why? Because I’m living my life.
4 to 5 servings of legumes, nuts and seeds per week.
Ok, fine. I don’t like peanuts that much anyway.
2 to 3 servings of fats and oils.
Meanings a teaspoon of vegetable oil, or margarine. Maybe some mayo or salad dressing… Yeah, that’s going to be tough. I like to put butter on my bagel on my cream cheese. I’m trying to see what my heart is really worth. Can’t push blood through my plaque covered veins? then maybe you should be in someone else’s body, heart!
5 or less servings of sweets per week.
That’d be fine, if I didn’t still have a living grandmother that I regularly visited. Good luck turning down cakes and candies from a woman who might die soon.