Let me start off by saying, I don’t hate babies. Quite the opposite, I like them just fine. On a scale of things I like, babies fall somewhere in between attending a day baseball game and The first Men in Black movie. So don’t take offense when I say, if you show me your baby, I’m not going to be impressed, because babies don’t do shit. Like, they can’t even hold their fuggin head up. My brother just had a baby and the other day it raised it’s arm up and my brother and his family went apeshit like the baby had levitated above it’s crib while predicting the ending to the sixth sense half way through it’s first viewing of the film.
Babies need to be put in f*&king perspective here, people. We’ve gone baby crazy. Let’s get a couple things straight. Babies are not miracles, because if they were, people would travel from far to bring gifts of precious metals to my cousin’s vagina, because it’s created six miracles in the last 8 years. A dude falling off the empire state building and somehow living, that’s a miracle. Something that’s happened 8 billion times in the last 80 years, while maybe cool; is not a miracle. Just because something makes you really happy, doesn’t mean it’s a miracle. Otherwise it’d be a miracle every time I went to the store and bought a can of Pringles.
In no way am I saying you shouldn’t be really excited to have a baby, and think your baby is awesome. You should, otherwise your baby will know you think it’s not awesome and then you’ll turn on the internet one day and you’ll see this:
All I’m saying is, you’re super pumped up about your baby, but the fact remains, your baby doesn’t do shit. And it’s not gonna do shit for a while. And this bums you the fuck out. Don’t lie, you were hoping even though you’d seen a shit pile of other babies, your baby might do cool shit like throw up west side gang signs, or do a fairly decent impression of Al Pacino. And when that doesn’t happen, you instead force yourself to get super pumped up about shit that, well, isn’t that exciting, like raising a hand above a head.