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Let’s Be Honest, People. Your Baby Doesn’t Do Shit.

Let me start off by saying, I don’t hate babies.  Quite the opposite, I like them just fine.  On a scale of things I like, babies fall somewhere in between attending a day baseball game and The first Men in Black movie.  So don’t take offense when I say, if you show me your baby, I’m not going to be impressed, because babies don’t do shit.  Like, they can’t even hold their fuggin head up.  My brother just had a baby and the other day it raised it’s arm up and my brother and his family went apeshit like the baby had levitated above it’s crib while predicting the ending to the sixth sense half way through it’s first viewing of the film. 

Babies need to be put in f*&king perspective here, people.  We’ve gone baby crazy.  Let’s get a couple things straight.  Babies are not miracles, because if they were, people would travel from far to bring gifts of precious metals to my cousin’s vagina, because it’s created six miracles in the last 8 years.  A dude falling off the empire state building and somehow living, that’s a miracle.  Something that’s happened 8 billion times in the last 80 years, while maybe cool; is not a miracle.  Just because something makes you really happy, doesn’t mean it’s a miracle.  Otherwise it’d be a miracle every time I went to the store and bought a can of Pringles. 
In no way am I saying you shouldn’t be really excited to have a baby, and think your baby is awesome.  You should, otherwise your baby will know you think it’s not awesome and then you’ll turn on the internet one day and you’ll see this:
All I’m saying is, you’re super pumped up about your baby, but the fact remains, your baby doesn’t do shit.  And it’s not gonna do shit for a while.  And this bums you the fuck out.  Don’t lie, you were hoping even though you’d seen a shit pile of other babies, your baby might do cool shit like throw up west side gang signs, or do a fairly decent impression of Al Pacino.  And when that doesn’t happen, you instead force yourself to get super pumped up about shit that, well, isn’t that exciting, like raising a hand above a head.  

35 Responses to "Let’s Be Honest, People. Your Baby Doesn’t Do Shit."

  1. Avenir says:

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  2. Anonymous says:

    All you idiots who are like “hurr hurr you say you hate babies but you were a baby too what if you’re parent’s didn’t want a baby hurr hurr” : I would 100% support the abortion of myself (if possible) I would go back in time and tell my parents to do it. Babies fucking suck.

  3. Anonymous says:

    I personally think babies should not be hated, they do stink, but only for a short time, In twenty years, if you are a good parent, your baby will be a thriving member of the world itself. I personally think it is neat how we can create miniatures of ourselves.

  4. marvin says:

    I have a 2 month old daughter, and I gotta say I agree.. (don’t tell the missus…)
    I cant wait till she starts doing fun things like repeating inappropriate comments in front her grandparents and breaking stuff, thats gonna be fun…

  5. Jay says:

    This dude is funny ass hell !!!!
    I’ll agree with him to a certain degree. Lols

  6. Baby lover 123 17 says:

    People believe they’re special. What would be more special then spawning being resembling you, AND have society instantly accept how they’re great, smart, cute and everything you always knew you were but nobody appreciated enough?

    That’s why babies are AWESOME and anybody who says otherwise should be shamed.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Too funny. A friend and I recently got ice cream and ended up sitting near two new moms who went on and on about their labor and their precious newborns for 1/2 an hour. We have never been so sad while getting ice cream.

    Seriously, babies pretty cute for 25 seconds, but totally not interesting to the rest of the general public.

  8. oksure says:

    That was funny. That idiot Paul says babies are life wreckers, so……..I guess that means when Paul was a puny little shit called a “baby,” he was a life wrecker too. He still is. Dude, learn how to spell!!!!!!!!!

  9. Babies = Life Over says:

    I don’t want or have babies thank god and I’m 27. My wife is of the same mind set.

    Some of my friends love babies though (even dudes) and I find that really fucking pussyish. Maybe they are just being that way so they can get away with blowing their load up in their fat girlfriends.

    I’d rather keep a rubber on then risk creating an awful smell bucket.

    The best is when your idiot friends or relatives knock up their wife/girlfriend and then they tell you how rewarding it is to have kids. Then they can’t explain to you why because its not and they are only saying that to make themselves feel better.

    I.E.- “Oh little jimmy bit another preschooler and then took a shit on our kitchen floor. We had to cancel our trip to hawaii because he’s not allowed back in school. But really its a joy to be a parent we love him so much and its so rewarding to worry about someone that isn’t yourself for once.”

    Fuck that!

    And don’t get me started about the idiots that have like 5 kids with 3 different people and want more. Ugh.

    I figure when I’m 40 I’ll adopt a kid or a baby or maybe just another dog. Who cares

  10. comedyicon.com says:

    you don’t need to have children to mow your lawn,just hire a border-jumper like a normal ‘god fearing’ american.oh,and god-bless-america!

  11. Voodoo Lady says:

    If your the type person who wants kids great. I’m glad my parents wanted children so I exist. But please don’t try to force your children on to others. My husband and I are very selfish people and perfectly content with our peaceful, childless lives. I personally don’t like being around children, so please keep them leashed in public.

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  13. Anonymous says:

    Um, isn’t the beginning of this a David Cross riff? Still funny.

  14. Anonymous says:

    good call.

  15. Anonymous says:

    Why don’t you, your stupid fucking baby and your douche bag husband pack up the car and drive into the ocean.

    See, it’s easy to talk shit when there are no consequences.


  16. quicksand says:

    KG, apparently squeezing a baby out of your holy diamond-studded twat didn’t do much for that weird, misdirected, seething rage of yours. You must be a blast to be with, always berating strangers because the things that make them content aren’t good enough for you. Congratulations on your baby; we’re all really impressed you achieved something that thousands of idiots do by accident every day.

    You know what? Fuck your business, fuck your baby, and fuck you, you yuppie cunt. I’m gonna eat my spaghetti-o’s and go buy Paul a beer.

  17. Anonymous says:

    please find this asshole and beat him senseless!!

  18. FBI says:

    we’re coming

  19. Anonymous says:

    I can see the baby’s pussy

  20. Anonymous says:

    it’s is a contraction for it is or it has.
    its is a possessive pronoun meaning, more or less, of it or belonging to it.

  21. Dom says:

    My wife and I read this together. Fucking hilarious. So true. My wife and family would flip out over the littlest shit our son did when he was a baby. I would ask them what happened, and be greatly disappointed when it didn’t involve him getting a job.

    And reading the responses, I’m glad a lot of you who know your spawn will only infect the gene pool aren’t going to have babies. But don’t hate them just cause you suck at life.

  22. Dr. says:

    Wow Dom, you’re awesome and so much better than anyone not planning to have a baby.

    Seems you’re hypocritically guilty of infecting the gene pool. Hope you live a very fulfilling life.


  23. Stoned Chaplain says:

    Babies are old people but smaller. They do stupid crap and can’t drive worth a shit. People wipe their asses, feed them, and occasionally beat them. As long as I am on the topic of ass wiping, let me ellaborate. People bitch about how they don’t want to get so old that they can’t wipe their own ass… Well that is one of the things I am looking forward to. Who the hell wants to do that to anyone let alone themselves? That shit is messy and boring. I say let a girl in her 20′s do it.

  24. Tyler says:

    Will you teach me the meaning of life?

  25. quicksand says:

    and YOU, sir, are awesome.

  26. Paul says:

    Yeah fuck babies.. I’m almost 27 and I have no pans on having a baby anytime soon.. There life wreckers as far as I’m concerned… I like getting drunk when i want, and eating cold spagehtti-os out of a can.. that little bastard would mean the end of all I know dear.. Bleeh. Just thinking about a baby makes my cock shrivel and cold…

  27. Ashlee says:

    Babies = no more Spaghetti-Os?

  28. Sean says:

    Evoloooshun and Nacheral Selekshun thanks you for your selfless commitment not to further pollute the gene pool.

  29. KG says:

    Well I am glad you will not have a kid.. you are 27 years old and get drunk all the time and eat cold Spaghetti-o’s? What a fucking loser. I am 27 and happily married with a 6 month old son, and am very successful with my own business. People like you should not multiply; as it just fucks up the lives of people who are piles of garbage.

    I am sure your parents said the same thing at your age.. and a night of Natural Ice and a Chef Boyardee led to your conception and thoughts of a murder-suicide. Sorry your life is a complete was of a 5 minute sexual encounter. I am surprised the thought of a baby doesnt make your cock hard, sounds like you were molested as a kid by your mentally ill father.

  30. RoboPanda says:

    Yeah, fuck babies.

    Hey, get out of here, Chris Hansen. I didn’t mean it that way.

    (P.S. This is funny because I DID mean it that way.)

  31. Patrick says:

    Fucking awesome. I hate babies.

  32. KG says:

    I bet your parents said the same thing. You ever wonder why you forget things sometimes? Thats because your parents didnt want a baby and your Dad dropped kicked the back of your head when you wet your bed. His attempt to trade you for a pack of Marlboro’s and a handjob went well, as it looks like you were able to make your way to someone’s basement with internet access somehow.

  33. MV says:

    Or maybe rabies?

  34. Ashlee says:

    KG, have you been checked for post-partum depression? Could explain the anger….

  35. Anonymous says:

    Is that Paris Hilton? lol