Today the world got word of yet another bit of gossipy news involving what a politician may or may not have done with their junk at some point in their lives. That politician is…(spins wheel)…Sarah Palin!
According to a snippet of leaked information from an upcoming Sarah Palin biography written by author Joe McGinniss, Palin once had a one-night stand with former NBA player Glen Rice while he was in college and she was a sports reporter covering a college basketball tournament held in Alaska in 1987.
You know what that means. It’s time to play The GOP/NBA Dating Game, and for no particular reason! Yes, it’s the game wherein we attempt to match-up prominent republicans with their perfect NBA player soul mate.
Who’s up first?
Why, it’s republican presidential frontrunner Rick Perry! What NBA player will our highly advanced Soul Mateatron super-dating computer pair up with Perry? Let’s find out!
People generally like to think of professional athletes as idiot delinquents that can’t function in normal society. Ron Artest fits this stereotype perfectly. It isn’t often that you find a professional athlete that has ran in to the stands to beat the hell out of a fan, and recently changed his name to Metta World Peace, because that’s the kind of thing sane people do.
Why Is He Paired With Rick Perry?
Like Artest, Rick Perry is a wild card. You can’t figure him out. By looking at him you don’t quite know if he knows what he’s talking about, or if it’s one of those situations where he knows exactly how to say what he doesn’t know to make you think he actually said something. That’s some crazy wild card wizardry right there.
Rick Perry looks like the kind of guy that would mount a large red button labeled “Launch” on an Oval Office wall and dangerously bounce a tennis ball around it when he’s brainstorming, always, with every throw, just barely missing the button.
Next up we have Tea Party darling Michele Bachmann. C’mon Soul Mateatron! Spit out some love juice!
I’m going to pull back the curtain here by telling you that I couldn’t remember Chris Andersen’s name off the top of my head; so I decided a quick Google search was in order. I couldn’t think of a way to search for him, so I just typed the first thing I thought of, which happened to be “douchebag with tattoos from Denver Nuggets”. Chris Andersen and Chris Andersen-related articles make up the majority of the results on the first page. If you run that same sentence in an image search, a great deal of the pictures will feature Chris Andersen looking like he’s being choked by a rainbow.
Why Is He Paired With Michele Bachmann?
Because the Soul Mateatron thinks it would be funny if the gay-hater married a walking gay pride flag.
Next on the auction block is Herman Cain. Hey, Soul Mateatron! Rub some love-funk on that motherf*cker!
All The NBA’s Black Basketball Players
Well, it turns out super-computers can be racist. Who knew?
Why Were They All Paired With Herman Cain?
Whoa…you really don’t want to read Soul Mateatron’s answer to that. It’s like a transcript of a Klan meeting. Who programed this thing? David Duke?
Want more hard-hitting sports coverage? Do yourself a favor and make Buzzer Beat a daily internet stop. ESPN is wildly overrated.