Hey everyone, so, I wasn’t planning on going to the reunion because I’m not really that successful, but at the last minute I either recently began dating someone attractive, or ran in to someone who was going that was far less successful than I was. That way when I run into someone more successful than me, I have the option of referencing the loser I met ("Yeah, so I’m just between jobs. But have you talked to Robert? I think he battled a meth addiction and works at a Ross clothing outlet) OR, I can affectionately touch my attractive date to insinuate that desirable women let me have sexual intercourse with them.
I’m really glad that I paid 90 dollars to sit inside the lobby of a Holiday Inn Express and eat salmon buffet style, which is easily the best way to serve fish that smells like a YMCA women’s locker room if it’s not prepared with care. I also want to point out that I wasn’t friends with most of you when we were in high school. So even though after we finish an awkward conversation about a physiology class we took together and I tell you that we should keep in touch, I actually mean the opposite. I will never call you, and most likely I’ll wash the pants I have that contain the napkin or business card you gave me with your number on it.
I would also like to make it clear that if you’ve found religion, I don’t want to talk to you if that’s all you want to talk about. If I’m going to be able to get an erection later when I have sex with whoever has the lowest self esteem, even though I’ve had 9 glasses of wine, I can’t have thoughts of Jesus being upset with me coming in to play.
In closing, I don’t look forward to seeing any of you unless you’re doing terribly and will make me feel better about myself. See you at the reunion!
P.S. If you’re that girl from my trigonometry class that I used to feverishly masturbate to, I’m going to pretend like I don’t know who you are until I get drunk. Then I’ll come up to you and say your name as if it’s a question (Rachel?) in hopes that my aloofness will better my chances of fucking you.