Hey, Guy Navigating His Massive Truck Through A Tiny Parking Lot
I’ll bet you have a tiny penis. I know, I know, it’s a common slanderous comment used to put down people that own and operate extremely large vehicles. But it might be true, at least in your case. You see, if I had seen you driving your monstrosity on the street I probably wouldn’t have thought much of it, because when you put something that big on an open road, perhaps next to a city bus or a cement truck, perspective gets skewed and it ends up looking like just another big thing on wheels. But, if you put that same monstrosity in a parking lot small enough to incubate a premature baby, then it looks like a fat man trying to cram himself in to a porta potty.
While SUVs and mid-sized trucks present their own problems, they aren’t that much larger than your average sedan in terms of length – this is your downfall. Your gigantic truck has a flatbed that can perfectly lay a California king-sized bed and, a top it, a Roman clusterf*ck of epic proportions. But you don’t use the flatbed for mobile clusterf*cks, do you? By the looks of it, you don’t use it for much of anything, save for a deflated basketball and a screwdriver. These big ass machines have a purpose that you are not fulfilling. They were designed for the kind of person that is constantly loading and unloading lots of big heavy shit – bags of fertilizer, garden statues, planks of wood, shit like that. You, sir, are carrying with you an empty void of nothingness so devoid of somethingness that it’s nearly overloaded and weighed down by all the nothing. Do you understand that? There’s so much nothing that it nearly loops back around and becomes a shitload of something. Your truck bed can make Stephen Hawking’s head explode.
This is all to say that your truck is entirely useless. There aren’t even any marks on it to indicate that it has been used to transport the aforementioned large heavy shit. It’s simply a truck that acts as an extension of your tiny dick and, thusly, your complete inability to prove that you are an Alpha Male through your deeds and character. The only way you can let people know that you can, at any moment, forcefully demand they remove their undergarments for a proper f*cking is to own the biggest and most obnoxious toys imaginable. It is this portion of your character that affects the rest of us that just want to find a damn space so we can pick up our lo mein and egg rolls without having to find a person that specializes in semaphore to direct your superfluous ass the f*ck out of our way. Nobody wants to have to be in a line of cars that all have to back up 20 feet just to give your clumsy vehicle some room to work its clumsy, momentum shattering magic.
And that, Guy Navigating His Massive Truck Through A Tiny Parking Lot, is the defining difference between you and the rest of us: we’ve got shit to do, and you’re a piece of shit. It all comes down to shit. You are a figurative piece of it that borders on the literal, and we have to perform the shit as a part of our daily routines. When pieces of shit come head to head to people doing shit, well, the piece of shit just might get stabbed one day. And no one will care.
P.S. – I’m willing to bet that if I took a shit in your flatbed you wouldn’t even notice. That’s it. F*ck it. I’m doing it. And I’m going to wipe my ass with your flip-down sun visor, too.