A Letter To The Kid In Halo Multiplayer That Keeps Calling Me A Fag

Hello, Kid In Halo Multiplayer That Keeps Calling Me A Fag

I can see that you are very excited to have gotten your hands on Halo: Reach. It is a very fun game, especially when it’s played with friends. And, oh, hey, that reminds me, remember the other night when my friends and I were all playing a rousing multiplayer match with you on our team, and you kept calling me a fag for suggesting that you should probably stop tossing grenades in to a large group of your own teammates? Man, that was fun, wasn’t it? The way that I kept making a reasonable suggestion that would inevitably end up making us all victors, yet you continuously shot down my level-headed requests by directing the word “Fag” toward me, insinuating that only a homosexual would tell another person to stop killing the people that are on your side in a battle? You remember that? Yeah, what a gay old time that was, huh?

One aspect of it that I particularly enjoyed was how, apparently, you prefer the headset microphone to be placed not an inch or two away from your mouth, but deeply imbedded in your molars as to render your intolerance-riddled hate slurs nearly indecipherable. I say nearly because, of course, and perhaps through the magic of some old Greek god of bigotry that you have counjured the power of, in the middle of your static-y shouts I can only make out the words “Faggot,” “C*cksucker,” and the topical and admittedly original “C*ck Slayer,” which is a variation on calling someone a homosexual that you have gone through great pains and must have labored over for months just to link your hatred to the Halo multiplayer experience. That, sir, is an achievement that warrants the pleasant ping of an X-Box Live achievement. If you had your way, this real life achievement would be called “Fag Crusher,” and it would be worth all the GamerScore points ever.

There is a counter argument to be made here, though. Some may argue that you merely using the word fag in a post-modernist sense – that you don’t literally mean “homosexual” when you say fag. While I personally believe this to be a real occurrence that I have no problem with (because language evolves and words can transform and mean many different things at the same time), you, caught in a whirlwind of your own impassioned rage, clarified your point by calling me a “homosexual,” letting me know that you are just as intolerant as I had suspected. You aren’t merely a person lashing out during an online game in a manner that everyone generally expects to hear during online games. You are a person that genuinely believes that homosexuals are a thing to fear and despise.

It is for that reason, Kid In Halo Multiplayer That Keeps Calling Me A Fag, that my friends and I agreed to boot you out of our game, along with that whole killing your own teammates with grenades thing. That’s also the reason we all sent you pictures of our penises with our X-Box Live cameras. The third one down on your messages list should be mine. It’s the one with the clown nose.

Love,

Holy Taco

P.S. – It’s past your bed time, young one. Tell your two daddies to tuck you in, give your forehead a kiss, and to check under your bed for monsters. I would have said “check in your closet for monsters,” but you’re already in there and see nothing but the same old skeletons and shame.