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A Letter To The Person Talking Loudly On Their Cell Phone In Public

Cell phone

Hello, Person Talking Loudly On Their Cell Phone In Public

I understand your call is important to you, but unless you’re currently trying to convince Dennis Hopper from Speed not to detonate the bomb on a bus lest a dozen people will die, then there really isn’t a reason for you to speak so loudly that passing cars feel they have to rev their engines just so there continues to be such a thing as ambient noise that your overbearing almost-shouts suck in like a spinning black and white vortex of clocks, mathematical equations, and horribly trite conversation.

You, sir, are the very definition of noise pollution. As we sit on peaceful park benches, ride subways, eat at restaurants, or speak on our cell phones at acceptable levels, you are always there, ready to quick draw your cell phone the moment your extremely loud ringtone belts out the latest Top 40 pop sensation that will be regulated to various Remember These Assholes? Time Life CD compilations that will, for some reason, still be on CDs long after nobody has CD players. Just the fact that you choose to sing along with the song for the 2 to 3 seconds it takes for you to pull out your phone and answer it is more than enough evidence to add you to my personal “People To Kill When I Take Over The World” list. But the fact that you then spend the next 5 to 10 minutes yelling about how Sandra is totally a bitch yet you’d still hit that only speeds you to the front of the list and in to a special section titled “Murder VIP,” along with guys named Steak and telemarketers that hang up as soon as I answer, never giving me a chance to try to sell them on the idea of leaping off roofs.

Jumping Off roof

But do you know what the best part about all this is? Science can back up my argument. Recently, researchers at Cornell University found that overhearing half of a conversation of a phone call results in decreased performance on cognitive tasks for everyone around the speaker. In short, this means that when you speak loudly and everyone around you can hear your self-esteem get a boner, we are literally all made dumber for it. If I’m trying to look over a menu and you’re blabbing away loud enough that I can see ripples of water in my glass like there’s a T-Rex heading my way, it’s as if I were reduced to trying to put a square peg in a round hole.

Water Cups

It all comes down to a simple sentence at the end of the research paper’s abstract, which states:  “Less-predictable speech results in more distraction for a listener engaged in other tasks.” So you’re voice is the aural equivalent of someone dangling shiny keys in front of a baby. I really want to figure out what meal I want to eat, but your conversation that may or may not be about your reoccurring case of feline-derived syphilis is far too enchanting. “Did he f*ck his cat?” I think to myself. “What did the person on the other line say about catching feline-derived syphilis that made this asshole say ‘F*ck yeah, bro! F*ck yeah!’?”

So, you see, Person Talking Loudly On Their Cell Phone In Public, it’s not just me that thinks what you do is systematically knocking our IQ points down a few numbers whenever you grace our presence, it’s the scientific community as well. Please, don’t talk on your cell phone near them. We need them so that they may one day create cell phones that instantly deliver a pant shitting whenever the user’s voice goes up an octave, from normal to douchebag.

Holy Taco

P.S. – And stop using your Bluetooth. You are holding nothing.

3 Responses to "A Letter To The Person Talking Loudly On Their Cell Phone In Public"

  1. aPlateOfGrapes.com says:

    It’s even better when the loud talkers are in a public bathroom. Then, you can fire out a loud one with lots of grunting and groaning.

  2. k2 incense says:

    This is so true!!!

  3. Real K2 Incense says:

    I agree.