Lies To Tell Your Friends Back Home This Thanksgiving

The night before Thanksgiving is traditionally a huge bar night. Always has been. Even since the night before the very first Thanksgiving, when the Pilgrims and Indians crowded into their respective local watering holes, and tried to hook up with people they went to high school with. It’s a tradition as old as gentrification. Thanksgiving also happens to be the holiday that most people head back to their hometowns. They leave whatever larger city they ended up in in pursuit of their dreams, and they return to their wherever they grew up, and they all run into each other. It’s a lot like a class reunion, but with far more debauchery because it it’s impromptu and in a bar. The upside is, you don’t have to listen to everyone tell you about their stupid kids. The downside is, you’re probably still a loser. If you want to get gross with someone who wouldn’t talk to you in high school, you’re going to have to lie your loser face off. Even if you’re not trying to get laid, you’d at least like to seem interesting. Below are a few easy to use exaggerations that are hard to quickly dispute… You’re welcome.

You’re a government contracted law enforcement agent.

America is still doing war stuff, everyone, so this lie is still tried and true. You can pull the “If I told you I’d have to kill you.” card if people start asking too many questions. This will all be more believable if you have a high and tight haircut, but if you don’t, just say you’ve been working undercover. Also, keep saying things like “So good to be out of the sandbox.” and “Glad to be drinking American beer again!”

You’re divorced.

This is a bit of a departure from the boastful approach, but it’s effective for maintaining a conversation. Even if you’re not divorced, say it happened sometime within the last year. Not too long ago, but also not too close to the present. Divorced people always have engaging stories.

You just got out of prison.

Use your sister’s eye liner pencil and draw a teardrop tattoo on your cheek. Look overly cautious and protective of your drink. When asked about your attitude, just look off into the distance and say something like “Life on the outside is so different.”

You’ve got a band that’s huge in England.

Wear tight pants and avoid showering in the days before you go out. Look underfed and indifferent. Talk about how weird it is that nobody in your home country really seems to appreciate what you do. Give everyone a band name, but make it hard to spell, then don’t provide a proper spelling.

You wrote the first draft of the screenplay for The Hangover.

Seriously, screenplays start out in the oddest places and twelve different names get credited on them before they ever become actual, distributed films. You could totally get away with this.