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The Life Of A Dollar Bill

Dollar Bill

When we hold a dollar bill in our hand, we believe that dollar to be ours. To prove this, watch someone holding a dollar, then snatch it out of their hand. You’ll see them reaction violently, and you might get punched in the face and get called something vial, like a Poopy Head, or a Penis Mouth.

For as protective as we are over that dollar bill, that dollar isn’t ours. It’s actually had many, many owners before you. In fact, there’s a good chance that that dollar has had a far more storied and exciting life than you have. It’s seen more things and it’s been to more places than you.

So now that you feel less significant than a ubiquitous inanimate object, here’s the story of a single dollar, with the series number of M5432137541K.

January 8th, 2004: Used to pay for gum in Arkansas

January 26th, 2004: Was slipped in to the greased rectum of a male stripper

January 27th, 2004: Was used by male stripper to purchase baby oil and a cucumber

February 17th, 2004: To snort cocaine

February 29th, 2004: To snort cocaine

March 12th, 2004: To snort cocaine

March 17th, 2004: To snort cocaine

April 3rd, 2004: Placed in mattress own by meth cooker



December 14th, 2006: Removed from meth cooker’s bed by meth cooker’s murderer

December 14th, 2006: To snort cocaine, then slapped on to a stripper’s vagina. Attained blood stain on Washington’s face.

December 17th, 2006: Used by stripper to pay for pregnancy test and Vagisil

 December 17th, 2006: Given to suburban father as change for cheap champagne and condoms

December 26th, 2006: Father gives dollar to son as reward for being a “big boy,” and for not crying after daddy had to get mad at mommy with his hands.

February 3rd, 2007: Son uses dollar to pay for an ice cream sandwich from the neighborhood pedophile/ice cream truck driver.
February 6th, 2007: Neighborhood pedophile/ice cream truck driver snorts coke with dollar. Rubs dollar on testicles to prove to a crack addict that money is no object to him, because “I’m the f*cking lord of ice cream!”

February 3rd, 2007: Crack addict steals dollar from pasted out neighborhood pedophile/ice cream truck driver.

February 4th, 2007: Crack addict is stabbed by fellow crack addict, and dollar is stolen.

February 5th, 2007: Dollar is used to buy a large can of Mad Dog 20/20

February 5th, 2007: Dollar is stolen by crack addict after crack addict realized the convenience store cameras were not functional, and were only there for show. 

February 6th, 2007: Dollar is stashed in tin box and buried.

April 7th, 2007: Dollar is dug up after owners of robbed convenience store find crack addict and beat him with metal rods.

April 30th, 2007: Dollar used as a pathetic tip by owner of convenience store at a restaurant.

May 7th, 2007: Waitress drops dollar at an event hosted by a local morning radio DJ. Gets placed in one of those wind machines that swirls money around so people can get in it and try to grab it.

Money Chamber

May 9th, 2007: Dollar touches the mouths of 6 people that enter the money chamber. Is grabbed by a 46 year old red neck.

May 10th, 2007: Redneck looses dollar in couch.

November 7th, 2008: Dollar is found by investigators after red neck’s house burns down in freak in-door fireworks/gas stove accident. Dollar is unscathed, most likely protected by the charred remains of red neck’s life-sized sex doll. Dollar is snuck in to pocket of crime scene investigator.

November 9th, 2008:  Used to snort coke

November 9th, 2008:  Used to snort coke

November 9th, 2008:  Used to snort coke

November 9th, 2008:  Used to snort coke

November 9th, 2008:  Used to snort coke

Dollar Coke

December 18th, 2008: After smell has lingered for days, the bloated corpse of the coke-using cop is count in his apartment with dollar sticking out of left nostril. Dollar is pocketed by investigator.

December 20th, 2008: Dollar used by investigator to buy child pornography from neighborhood pedophile/ice cream truck driver.

December 25th, 2008: With dollar, neighborhood pedophile/ice cream truck driver flees to Bolivia with Feds hot on his trail.

March 7th, 2009: Is found by in a suitcase floating next to body of neighborhood pedophile/ice cream truck driver by a poor Bolivian child.

May 11th, 2009: Used to pay ransom of poor Bolivian child’s younger brother after he was kidnapped by a Bolivian drug cartel. Dollar pays for the entire ransom asking price. Exchange rates are weird in Bolivia.

July 21st, 2009: Cartel member flies to New York and spends dollar at strip club. Places it in stripper’s butt crack. Stripper farts loudly as she walks off stage. Luckily, the music was loud and no one heard.

July 30th, 2009: Stripper gives dollar to daughter as weekly allowance. Daughter attempts to eat dollar. Stripper mom says, “Stop! You don’t know where that dollar’s been!”

August 27th, 2009: Daughter of stripper gives dollar to classmate for showing her his penis. She makes a new friend that will knock her up when they are 16.

August 29th, 2009: Boy spends dollar at comic book store.

September 17th, 2009: Comic book store owner uses dollar as paper air plane. Flies out door as someone enters store.

September 23rd, 2009: Loose dog eats dollar.

September 24th, 2009: Dog shits dollar. Owner rejoices, “MY DOG SHITS MONEY!!”


September 24th, 2009: Dollar is washed in dirty sink water, hung to dry on clothes line next to underwear with highly visible skid mark.

September 25th, 2009: Dollar floats off of clothes line and in to neighbor’s backyard hammock. Hammock owner finds it and buys a soda at newly opened convenience store.

September 25th, 2009: Convenience store owner hangs dollar on wall.

June 2nd, 2010: Convenience store is robbed and dollar is stole off of wall, along with 1 packet of Skittles.

June 8th, 2010: Thief draws penis on George Washington’s face.

June 11th, 2010: Thief gives dollar to hooker after blow job, but only gives the one dollar. Thief dies.

June 26th, 2010: The Hooker pays off arresting police officer with dollar and oral sex.

July 26th, 2010: Police officer pays for sex with dollar from same hooker.

July 26th, 2010: Dollar is in your wallet right now.

10 Responses to "The Life Of A Dollar Bill"

  1. aPlateOfGrapes.com says:

    If you’re going to go all grammar Nazi, at least use punctuation.

  2. Ian Fortey says:
  3. Burn Your Friends says:

    Lauhg my ass off.

  4. Use Spell Check/Grammar Check says:

    Wow you guys did a shitty job spell/grammar checking this piece

  5. Tater says:

    What a vial thing to say.

  6. Suburban House Mom says:

    You calling me a hooker?


    Pretty weak article. I understand the point of humor articles, but this misses the mark entirely. First, it’s not funny. Second, the average lifespan of a dollar bill is a little over a year, so this particular dollar bill surviving six years is close to a miracle. I highly doubt dollar bills live such fulfilling lives as contained herein.

    Also, my captcha had a dollar bill in it, so I know what I’m talking about.

  8. baba FLOOEY says:

    You are so fucking boring.

  9. sickhead says:

    Listen to “The Buck Stops Here” by Apathy. Same concept, but better.

  10. tim batty says:

    thats my dollar alright!
    and first ladies.