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Limp Bizkit’s Latest Comeback is Their Stupidest Idea Yet

Usually, I admire perseverance. Life’s too long to give up on your dreams just because you fail once, twice, or twenty times over. Keep finding new ways to reach your goal and keep fighting. Insert cliched inspirational life coach quote here.

However, when it comes to Limp Bizkit, I abandon these philosophies, because fuck ‘em. For one thing, they already achieved massive success with a bunch of songs that make me question the sanity of any radio station that still plays them. They then fell off the face of the Earth once everybody came to their senses and realized the band is awful. Their guitarist is really good, and his costumes are always fun to look at, but that’s not enough to save any project fronted by Fred Durst.

They’ve since tried to get back into the public eye any way they know how. And like Wile E. Coyote, every plan of their has flopped miserably. They tried to recruit a new guitarist via Guitar Center auditions, only to run off in embarrassment once the public realized they weren’t hiring anybody, just stealing riffs and ideas, eventually hiring one of their buddies to play them.

Later on, they tried to become a Rage Against The Machine-style political band, which went nowhere since RATM was both good and sincere. Bizkit? Not so much, especially since Durst was Vice President of a major record label for a spell. He WAS the machine

Sadly, him raging against it didn’t include “banging my own head against a brick wall until it bled.”

Then they tried returning to their roots a couple years ago, except those roots rotted and dried out about 15 years ago, so why would we care if someone tried re-planting and watering them? The album flopped, as did everything else they’ve done since “Rollin’”.

Now they’re back AGAIN, with a brand-new (borrowed) plan to take over the world. This time, they’re appropriating the hipsters, releasing their new single “Jason Doesn’t Care Enough To Research the Title” on cassette only. For our younger readers, this is a cassette:

They’re pretty useless in today’s world: not useful enough for technophiles, but not vintage enough for vinyl fetishists. And yet here’s Fred and the Limps, going the cassette route just because. Hopefully they include a free pencil with every purchase.

Speaking of that, if you want to purchase this single, get help. Also, you can only do so at their live shows. That means you have to attend a Limp Bizkit concert in 2014 and then pay money for a crappy new song that some kid will just end up pirating to YouTube within hours of first release (yes, you can transfer cassettes to MP3′s. It’s kind of a pain, but that never stopped a truly determined thief.) Legal procurement or not though, masturbating with a plugged-in toaster would be a better idea than including this song in your life.

This stunt will flop, just has all of Fred’s other ideas. I eagerly await what he’ll try to pull off in a couple more years, when Bizkit releases yet another cruddy album that nobody cares about. Maybe he’ll offer to hack off a pound of his own flesh for every million copies the band sells. In which case, I’d buy a hundred. And so would you.

Especially if he sticks that flesh up his yeah on live TV.

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