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Lindsay Lohan’s Sex Slave Problem

See, it’s stories like this that make me appreciate that my dad calls me only when there’s something wrong with his “thing that plays those CD movies” or when a pitcher is currently taking a no-hitter into the seventh inning. Daily news reports:

Lindsay Lohan‘s dad, Michael, says his famous daughter is all set to do missionary work in India.

“Our trip next February encompasses the issue of child sexual slavery in India. We also deal with helping AIDS victims,” he tells In Touch. “She has made it clear she definitely wants to come along.”

What the hell is Lindsay Lohan going to say to child prostitutes in India? “Listen, being a sex slave is not cool. You should only have sex with dudes that have big weiners or have cocaine. In fact, a good rule is the bigger the weiner, the less cocaine he has to have and the more cocaine, the lesser the weiner.” Of course, Lindsay’s rep made a statement:

Unfortunately, says her rep, “per Lindsay, this isn’t true.”

Way to throw Lindsay under the bus, Michael Lohan. There’s no way you can’t look like an asshole when you make a statement saying you don’t want to help AIDS victims. It’s like walking past a homeless person on your way to the laundromat and telling them you’re out of change, even though every step you take sounds like a slot machine that’s paying out. Anyway, I don’t blame Lindsay. She would be so f-ing bored in India. Every picture you would see of her from there would look like this:

Editor’s note: Don’t bother writing in “That’s not India.” I know this isn’t India, but it was way easier to photoshop.

13 Responses to "Lindsay Lohan’s Sex Slave Problem"

  1. Pratik says:

    Hopefully that’s also the last time you make an uniNformed child prostitution joke as well, but yea I know how most child prostitution jokes are all uniform and the same, right?

    Heh, just giving you some shit… no worries. I love you and Holy Taco long time (strong no homo).

  2. justin says:

    I wish I could say that’s the only time i’ve made a spelling error, but you read the site and know that’s not true. I went to a state school. That’s my excuse.

  3. Eli says:

    Is it just me or does Lohan’s face scream “Hey, I’ll suck your dick for some crack..” and her dad’s is like “She will.. And I will watch!”.

    Just me? Ok..

  4. cunty cuntall says:

    She could suck my dick, and then lick my crack anytime she wants.

  5. Buddy Ice says:

    Ms.Lohan doing “missionary work…”? I always took her for a doggy-style kinda’ gal.

  6. blake says:

    nice photoshop

  7. me says:

    thats not india

  8. bennylava says:

    For the record: Not India

  9. Meat hammer says:

    uuhhmm actually thats India, in grade school a brown kid sat at the back of the class, so don’t tell me thats not India, because thats India. Also they make curry out of used grass huts just the the one in the background.

  10. Mr. Balls says:

    What is amazing is that not only does that photoshop look real, it just fits.

  11. Pratik says:

    Ummm, you do realize that most Asian child prostitutes are BOYS, right? That’s because they can’t get pregnant like girls can so there’s no risk/cost to the pimps for having to get a back-alley abortion or whatever.

    (Don’t ask me how I know these things. I just do, alright?)

    In conclusion, I hope she isn’t telling little boy-hookers to take exclusively big penises and cocaine. That would be grounds for having Paul de Leeuw as a partner on “Singing With the Stars.”

    P.S. That picture is probably either of India or South Africa. There’s a lot of us brown-men in both locations.

  12. justin says:

    whoa. You just got real on my ass. That’s the last time I make an uniformed child prostitution joke. Nah, I’ll probably make another.