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Lindsay Lohan’s Prison Diary

Lindsay Lohan headed back to jail for the fifth time recently. It can’t have been all that bad though, she ended up getting released after only five hours. That’s not even enough time to plot an escape. She was thrown in the can again because she couldn’t hold up her end of the community service deal she made after her last DUI. Thanks to some inside sources, we were able to get our hands on her prison diary in which she made hourly entries. Enjoy…

Dear Diary,

Oh my wow, I can’t believe I’ve actually ended up in jail again. It’s almost like, I’ve been given a list of rules to abide by, and when I don’t abide by them, they throw me in prison. LAME! I guess the upside is, as always, everyone knows who I am, and I get treated pretty well by most of the other women. There are a few in here that are super super jealous, but whatever. They keep saying they’re going “wanna put things in” me. Which is weird, because I’m not sure if they’re threatening or flirting. Ok, gonna hit the gym for a bit. I have some friends there I want to catch up with.

Had a super good workout in the gym. I saw up with two old gal pals from the Aryan sisterhood and I was able to join right back up. My timing was perfect, if I’d have been on the outside one month longer, my membership would’ve lapsed. I’m settling in pretty quickly here now. The worst part of being in jail is the first five days, and I’ve done that so many times before that this time it’s nothing. I found a hooch hookup super quick, I was also able to score some extra furniture. As I write this, I’m sitting in a chair made out of Newport cigarette boxes and drinking tomato wine! The only thing I’m not crazy about is the clothes. They said they couldn’t find my old jumpsuit, so I’m wearing this lame temporary one.

Been trying to wind down a little bit, but thinking way too much about how I’m going to spend the next thirty days. I’m going to try to stay productive. Maybe I’ll finish the Ramona Quimby series I started last time I was in. Those books were really funny, but a little heavy. Also been thinking about studying law like the black guy in Schindler’s Redemption. Then the next time I get pulled over for drunk driving, I’ll be able to throw out some facts that’ll make the officer have to let me go, no matter how drunk I am!

Can’t really sleep. My stomach’s not used the tomato wine yet, I also ate a pill I found on the floor. Just to see what it would do. That might be causing some problems. Anyway, have to stay focused while I’m here. Been thinking about actually writing a book called “Lindsay Behind Bars.” I don’t know how long a book is, but I’ll write as much as I can, then have the computer make the font big so it fills up the hundred or so pages that are required to make a real book.

Still wide awake. Whatever pill I took was definitely a stimulant! That’s great news, but here’s the better news: I’M GOING HOME! That’s right, just a few minutes ago one of the guards came and told me that the prison was too crowded and I was ready to go home. Why they chose me instead of a poor person over-sentenced for a relatively harmless crime like marijuana possession, I’ll never know. But, that’s not up to me to decide. All I know is, thanks to that mystery pill, I’ll be able to hit an after-party as soon as I get out of this jumpsuit!

Until next time,
Lindsay Lohan

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