Breaking news this morning, as yet another unfunny troll with only the slightest possible grasp of what “satire” actually means has created a “fake news” website and written total bullshit that half the Internet will soon angrily believe without question. State officials, along with anybody who actually reads an article rather than just skimming the headline and hulk smashing their keyboard seconds later, are flabbergasted as to why this keeps happening.
The website purports to be a “satirical and irreverent take on today’s news and newsmakers.” And yet, a basic examination of every single article they’ve posted thus far reveals no jokes, punchlines, or witty commentary whatsoever. In lieu of anything that might highlight the author’s message by presenting the opposite view in as ridiculous a fashion as humanly possible, this website’s sole writer simply crafts total fiction, disguises it as sincere journalism, and then laughs their neckbeard off over how badly they “pwned” the world.
Indeed, this website, and the dozens upon dozens of others just like it, appear to only call themselves “satire” because “liars” lose lawsuits while “satirists” do not.
It is predicted that hundreds of thousands of gullible social media users will soon share this site’s blatant bullshit millions of times over, often with accompanying commentary like, “OMGGGGG WHUT FUCKING BULLSHITTTTT!!1! IS THIS REEL?/?? GOD i GHOPE THIS ISNT REAL CUZ IF ITS REAL ILL B JUST SOOOOOOO ANGRY!” 43% will follow up with a picture of Futurama’s Professor Farnsworth not wanting to live on this planet anymore.
While we don’t yet know the exact content that the upcoming assault on legitimate humor and intelligent discourse will consist of, experts believe it will follow in the footsteps of Ann Coulter not refusing a plane ride over a black pilot, a dentist not pulling out all of her ex-boyfriend’s teeth, Dave Matthews not dying of a drug overdose, a teenager not purchasing hookers with his dad’s credit card, New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg not getting denied pizza because he banned large sodas, Sarah Palin not becoming a pundit for Al Jazeera, and Charles Manson not getting released on parole.
Demographic experts agree that blaming such virality on clueless grandmothers and naive aunts simply won’t cut it anymore. According to their research, every single age group is filled with fleshy drooling dollops of derps and d’ohs, eager to believe everything they read on the Internet even while preaching “don’t believe everything you read on the Internet” to all the naked apes with vacant skulls who friended them at some random point for one weird reason or another.
When asked how they plan to follow up their inevitable Internet fame, the website’s writer remarked, “I’ve seen a bunch of websites recently report actual, legitimate news, but sticking it right next to the satire. That’s fuckin’ genius; I’m gonna do it too! I’ll put ‘Tracy Morgan Critically Injured in Car Crash’ in the same column as ‘Vice-President Joe Biden Accused of Not Filing Taxes for 25 years,’ and it’ll fool everybody! After all, if one story’s real, why shouldn’t the other one be too?
God, I love being a satirist. I’m sure my idol, Stephen Colbert, appreciates what I’m doing too.”
When approached by reporters for comment, Stephen Colbert was passed out drunk at his computer, keyboard soaked with tears, while “Dennis Rodman weds Student Handpicked By Kim Jong-Un” flashed across the screen in obnoxious 128-point font right next to a 2500 pixel-wide “SHARE” button.