I don’t claim to be smart, which is why I work at a
website. If I were smart, I’d probably be an astronologist, sitting in front of big parascope all day and staring at the sun like smart people do.
This story, however, will amaze even the most duncical of idiots: a bunch of archaeologists recently discovered the remains of an enormous, complex, ancient South American culture that nobody knew about until
right now. Nobody seems to know who these ancient people were or where they went, but thanks to some good ol’ fashioned retard logic, I think I’ve figured out who has all the answers to this mystery. First, some background data:
What I Know About the Discovery
The archaeologists recently discovered a bunch of large structures beneath the cleared jungle that appear to be the remnants of a massive, previously unknown city in South America. Based on some of the ruins they’ve unearthed so far, the civilization was not Mayan or Incan, and the discovery destroys the previous belief that all ancient South American civilizations were comprised of small roving bands of primitive people (and my less popular theory that they were all robots from the future). Archaeologists believe that they are definitely looking at the remains of a complex South American civilization that dates somewhere before the thirteenth century, and it might be the legendary lost city of El Dorado that the Spanish conquistadors raved about. One thing is for sure, though: it’s not supposed to be there. Imagine if you woke up tomorrow and found a third ball in your nutsack. That’s how these archaeologists are feeling right now.
What I Know About Archaeology
Personally, I have little to no understanding or archaeology whatsoever. The little bit that I do know has been drawn exclusively from one of the greatest movie franchises in the history of the world: Indiana Jones. Therefore, I’m fully aware that archaeologists hate snakes, that they’ll bullwhip the shit out of anyone who pulls a gun on them, and that they don’t like Nazis for a variety of reasons. But how will this help us unravel the mysteries of a lost civilization? The answer is simple: retard logic. The film’s titular character, Indiana Jones, is a man with the name of a state: Indiana. The state of Indiana is known first and foremost for its shitty towns, and one of the shittiest by far is Gary, Indiana. Therefore, Indiana Jones is a man with the name of a state that houses a city with a man’s name. You’ll remember from your Learning About the States 101 class that Indiana got its name due to its dense Indian population at some point in history (probably around the time that they were naming all the states). So what’s the connection between a man named Gary and Indians? Is there an Indian named Gary somewhere? That’s the question, and I’ve determined the answer: Yes, there is. His name is Gary Busey, and he claims to be part Indian. Let’s talk more about Indians:
What I Know About Ancient Indian Cultures
Personally, I don’t really know anything about Ancient Indian cultures of South America. I know from having Apocalypto on in the room while I was doing something else that there were at least some Mayans and some other, meaner guys that really beat the shit out of the Mayans. Apparently, though, there were also these other guys that our scientists just discovered. There were also the ones who wore a lot of turquoise and had big noses, but I’m really not a good source for general Indian knowledge. Oh, but y’know who is? part-Indian Hollywood actor Gary Busey. Gary believes that he’s part indian. There was an episode of I’m With Busey where Gary went to meet a magic Indian, and in a guest appearance on Entourage, Gary presented Vincent with a totem pole, which is something that the Indians used for something at some point. Coincidence? I’m certainly too lazy to think so. But what’s so special about South America?
What I Know About South America
Personally, I actually know quite a lot about South America: it’s like America, but it’s more South. Also, that’s where cocaine comes from. More specifically, a lot of it comes from Bolivia, which is right where archaeologists discovered the ancient city that this article is about. Basically, it’s right in the middle of Nature’s coke stash, which means that whoever lived there probably invented disco music and night club bathrooms in the ’80′s a long time before we did. Of course, these are just assumptions. I’m not a cokehead, so I don’t know much about cocaine…but y’know who does? Gary Busey. Gary knows a ton about cocaine, because he was a ridiculous cokehead. Gary Busey once spilled some cocaine on the back of his dog, so he sniffed the cocaine off of the dog’s back. He knows a shit-ton about cocaine, and if you think about it a little bit and then just immediately jump to a conclusion, you’ll figure out why he knows so much…
My Hasty Conclusion
Why is there such a concrete, completely infallible connection between archaeology, ancient Indian cultures, South America, and Gary Busey? Am I forcing the connection? Well, clearly that’s not the case. I may be an idiot, but I’m not stupid. The answer is obvious: Gary Busey is an ancestor of this long lost South American civilization. He knows that he’s part Indian because his ancestors talk to him through his shattered brain parts all the time. He loves cocaine and cocaine loves him, because it’s in his ancestry. He’s also been linked to the field of archaeology, because he shares his name with the shittiest city in a state that shares its name with a fictional archaeologist. He may also be a Nazi, but we’ll put that aside for now. Is this all just a big, stupid stretch? Hell no, it’s not. I proved that above with my retard logic. Gary Busey has all the answers, and we can either be proactive and ask him about it right now, or we can wait until those dirty, over-educated archaeologists in South America unearth the proof themselves, because it’s only a matter of time until they discover the evidence that will prove my theory correct once and for all:
i’ve gotta agree with iamfromthefuture on this one. there is absolutely no humor in this at all. just some guy being ignorant. i would also like to add that the Gary Busey meme just doesn’t work. it never did and never will.
Major fail holytaco this wasn’t funny and was way too long and made no sense and wasn’t funny and there were no boobs. Fail.
I watched The Road to El Dorado once. A Spanish dude was getting it on with a native chick in the movie. I use that scene to jack off…because it’s so sexy. I’ll be back in a minute. After I watch the movie.
I wonder if he’s related to Kevin Bacon?
Astronologist with parascopes? Egad, man!
2nd
I think we should slash and burn the rain forests to further investigate these lost civilizations. Who knows what treasures are hidden by these useless trees?
hey, i’m from Gary, IN…. wtf….
hmmmm… i don’t know if i like that as much as i like nails being jabbed through my hand…
I have a feeling Kevin Costner was involved in this somehow