On that fateful day of April 1st, 1976, three men established a company that would later go on to radically alter the landscape of personal tech gadgets. Those three men were Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniak, and some other dude that time has almost completely forgotten. We think his name may have been Oswalt. Or maybe Bill. The point is, no one is sure of what this guy did, but there’s a good chance that he’s now filthy rich, and his cultural obscurity has successfully shielded him from people walking up to him in a grocery store and asking if he can fix their iPhones.
Unknown third parties aside, Apple has since grown in to one of the world’s leaders in over-priced-yet-pretty-cool gadgetry. From the iPod to the iPhone to the really big iPod/iPhone Apple calls the iPad, Apple computers has been forged the path in to the future – a future where humanity will be no smarter than it is today, but at least we’ll be able to touch all the fancy 1’s and 0’s that make up the online news papers we won’t be using, and all of the giggly boob’s applications that we will all totally be using all the time.
Could this be the stark, immature vision of the future that Apple will help foster? Yes. Undeniably, yes.
On June 24th, 2010, the iPhone 4 was released to the froth-mouthed legions of Apple fans that felt the three previous iPhones didn’t offer enough of all the insane shit we’ve all seen in sci-fi films, so they needed a new thing that did everything just short of teleportation and wish fulfillment via magic genie (two features Apple later included in their legendary iPhone 22).
The iPhone 4 set world wide release records as more than 17 million people walked home with a new iPhone. Tech analyst Marc Kacobs said of the iPhone 4’s success, “Going in to it the release date, everyone expected it to be a success. But no one expected the Rise of the Dicks, as the post-iPhone 4 era is now called.”
From the moment the first commercially purchased iPhone 4 was turned on and the first call was made, users took advantage of the new feature then known as FaceTime, which allowed users to hold live video chats with another caller. FaceTime’s first recorded use, or rather, anti-use, was performed by Nathan Dominguez of New York. In a later interview, Nathan was quoted as saying, “All I did was call my friend Alex in Miami, who had also just bought his iPhone 4. Only the thing is, when I called, I used FaceTime, and when Alex answered, he saw me waggling my dick at him. Somehow, I sparked a revolution.”
And indeed he did. Millions upon millions of iPhone users across the globe mimetically began calling fellow iPhone 4 users as they all had the same “brilliant” idea: I’m going to call my friend and surprise him with real-time footage of my dick.
While this act (commonly known as WangTime) was universally panned by critics of both technology and dick usage, it did nothing to stop the ever increasing sales of the iPhone 4. At the 2011 WWDC keynote, Steve Jobs joked that “in the past year, over 100 million people have WangTimed their dicks to each other over 950 million times…and we’re not even counting you ladies with your strap-ons.”
Of course, Steve Jobs’ 2011 keynote ended with Steve’s cherished catchphrase “…and one more thing,” which denotes the unveiling of a new piece of technology or of a new feature. This time, it was both. By pulling a black cloth away from a small podium, Steve revealed Apple’s newest innovation, the WangTime specific iPhone 5, with a larger camera that promised to keep user’s dicks in sharp focus. It even allowed users to superimpose funny hats and mustaches on to their dicks – a feature fans had been demanding since the introduction of WangTime.
It was a smashing success, and sales of the iPhone 5 eclipsed all previous iPhone sales by more than 700 million units within its first year. With the market so clearly clamoring for new innovations in technology that allowed users to surprise their friends with video of their dicks, Apple’s entire focus for its new slew of products became one that allowed users to “share their dicks with friends.” Soon, the iPod became WangTime enabled, the iPad became WangTime enabled, and the iMac became WangTime enabled. Even the newly developed iGame – Apple’s entry in to the home console video game market – had its all games specifically designed to be played while using a fully exposed penis (games such as the hit block-smashing title “Wang Smash,” and the First-Person Shooter “Wang Gun.”)
By 2025, Apple had officially become the largest corporation on the planet, and the world’s number one go-to company for dick-related technology. With well over a 1/3rd of the world’s population owning Apple products, Apple became unbeatable. Sadly, though, on October 8th, 2027, Steve Jobs passed away in his palatial California estate at the age of 72. The world mourned his passing.
Steve’s funeral was attended by thousands, and many world leaders came to pay their respects. After Steve’s son, Reed Paul Jobs, gave the eulogy, a video screen lowered from the rafters and a previously recorded video of Steve Jobs played for the thousands in attendance and the billions at home. The video showed nothing more than a smirking Steve who only spoke one line, which was, of course, his patented catch phrase “…and one more thing.” This turned out to be a secret code word that triggered every Apple product on earth — more than 12 billion — to go live and become sentient.
The world is now a joyless place filled with despair, mass deaths, and the inability to right click on anything. But at least it looks pretty. And there are dicks everywhere. And there’s an app that lets you see what world could have been like had the iKills not been activated.
Oh, no, wait. The app was just taken down from the App Store.