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A Look To The Future: Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber really took the world by storm in 2010. Millions of young teenage girls realized they had vaginas when they first heard this 14-year-old Canadian R&B sensation croon about love, loss and all manner of adult topics that 14-year-olds know nothing about, other than what they see of it on Dawson’s Creek and The Love Boat (kids are still watching those shows, right?).

In only a short timeframe, Justin has gone from a Youtube phenomenon to worldwide superstardom, having been the subject of a contract bidding war between former Mouseketeer Justin Timberlake, and Usher, a singer that lost his relevance some time in 2003. Usher eventually won out and signed Bieber to a contract. Justin Timberlake coped with this loss by having sex with supermodels, actresses, and being a millionaire.

This is the story of how Justin Bieber became the not-a-man he is today. But, of course, the question is, where will he be in the future?

In mid-2010, Justin hit the recording studio to work on his much anticipated follow-up to his hit album My World 2.0, My World 3.0. Problems arose during the recording process when Justin’s testicles got tired of being forcibly crammed back in to his sack in an attempt to hold-off puberty. In a later interview, Justin’s testicles were quoted as saying, “In retrospect, we were the only thing keeping that little freak’s career afloat.”
 
The recording session was plagued by studio shut-downs and arguments, most of which involved the transformation of Justin’s sweet, childish voice in to one that sounded vaguely like, as Rolling Stone later put it in their review of My World 3.0, “John Goodman having his tallywacker tickled.”

Despite harsh and negative reviews, My World 3.0 became another worldwide hit for Bieber, going double-platinum within 4 weeks of its release. Notable singles included “Baby, baby, oh, baby!”, “Unprotected Love,” “Cootie Shots,” and “The one wherein I expose double standards by clearly talking about ecstasy-fueled teenage orgies, but no one cares, because I’m a guy.”

After his successful world tour, and his release of yet another album, My World 4.0, Justin felt he needed to expand his horizons and experiment with new musical styles. Sporting facial hair that was more akin to a patchy thatch of semi-burned pubic hair, Justin surprised his legions of fans with the release of his video for his single “I Miss You like, You Know, Something That Misses Something…Hard,” off of his next album New World 1.0. Ditching his usual hip-hip/R&B style, Justin teamed with such legendary musicians as Evgeni Korpikoski, a world class didgeridoo player; and Marco Stapleton, a self-described “Rhythmic Hand Farter.”

During his My World era, Justin’s live shows had become known for raucous crowds of teenage girls and highly disturbed mothers causing riots, stampedes, and tramplings. This kind of activity was notably absent from his A Whole New World Tour of 2021, as most of these teens and mothers sat in packed arenas staring puzzled at the sights they were witnessing. Sights, such as Justin’s 25-minute Hacky-Sack solo, and the Bohemian “Save The Earth” Twirling Hippies, did little to incite the same level of fervor and fanaticism within Justin’s aging, but not any more intelligent than when they were 13, fan base.

 

His next album, The Biebs 4.0, released in 2025, was an even greater disappointment than his world tour. Topping out at #52 on the Billboard charts, the album was greatly eclipsed by Evgeni Korpikoski and Marco Stapleton’s didgeridoo and hand fart duet album titled “Do Doo Farts” (which remained in the number one spot for nearly 8 weeks).
 
At the age of 31, Bieber elected to leave the public eye altogether to focus on his charitable work, and to conduct personal acoustic performances of his early songs for borderline alcoholic trophy wives that were already too old to be fans of his when he was popular back in 2010.

Justin died tragically at the age of 34 in an attempt to revitalize his musical career and to “get back to his dope-ass and funky fresh Canadian roots.” While attempting to reach a high note for a song titled “Baby, I swear, I’m not a pedophile,” Justin’s right testicle popped, the shock of which somehow caused a pulmonary embolism. 
 

19 Responses to "A Look To The Future: Justin Bieber"

  1. John says:

    That Bieber kid makes my fuckin skin crawl.

  2. Ben Affleck says:

    I’m pretty sure I’d think his music sucked no matter what era it was, but I’d like to think in the future, no matter how near, he wouldn’t be screwing the world up by being a icon for all dumb kids to mimic.
    The morons of society will take whatever useless details about this chump and apply it to themselves in hopes that some of the iconoclastic features of this kid’s life would rub off on them… but in fact, all that would happen is a lot more stupid kids in this world would be running around with 70′s style haircuts that look like tiny Bo Dukes. It was ugly then, it’s ugly now, and it will be ugly in 20 years.
    Get a pair of scissors, kid.

  3. pickled turds says:

    i’m glad to see donnie osmond making a comeback.

  4. Snicklefritz says:

    Yeah I think the brainwashed youth of america wouldn’t know a talented musician if it punched them in the junk. All this kid is is a paycheck for usher, and i gotta give it to him, he is making millions off this kid. I personally think his music is terrible, and i have a feeling he will go the way of corey feldman, and try to use as much drugs as possible when he realizes his balls will probably never drop. I can promise this too, if i ever sang like a girl when i was his age, i would have been ridiculed into hiding for the rest of my life, but now it’s ok? I guess i am getting old, or our society is taking a drastic turn in the wrong direction.

  5. Free Shirts says:

    The Michael Jackson clone kid did a good job on SNL a couple of weeks ago.

  6. Gainer says:

    Its disturbing how much you talk about this D Bag of a kid….. Who gives a shit.

    Why dont you all stop Fap’n to Beiber and put up something worthy of reading?

  7. Travis Bucharest says:

    Didn’t he steal that Baby Baby jam from Raaaaaandy?

  8. kmarshsll says:

    who is randy and no soo

  9. elizabeth says:

    i love justin and i hope in the future we could be married

  10. Crystal Strader says:

    hey justin i wish -2378i could meet u crystal call me at 304-237-3331

  11. anna says:

    well i think that he is goin to be very secceful if he keeps doin what hes doin and if this is u justin can u hook me up with a manager if u can then call me at 850-287-4070
    xoxoxoxoxox!:)

  12. JGoldenberg says:

    Hah, its not because he’s Canadian, even we up in the Great White North are facepalming.

    And this article really did suck. Come on Holy Taco, you got Fortey! He was one of the best writers for Cracked. You guys can do better than this now.

  13. B.A. Barracus says:

    I had no idea this twat is 16 years old. I thought he was 13. Also, does he wear his hair like that because he is a twerp or because he is Canadian?

  14. Yeah Dude, Really says:

    Comments Back On!!!

  15. Confucious says:

    Comedy is a lot like taking a shit. If you push too hard, it’ll probably end up being a painful experience.

  16. hel naw says:

    Any 14 year old kid could have become rich a famous and you people would be ripping on him. Hell, I probably would have made fun of him too in my younger years. But then I realized something: I was jealous of anybody who was more successful and got more attention from the ladies, especially if they were younger than me. Admit it, you would have attention from thousands of girls your age. Why ya gotta be puttin’ the kid down, he deserves a pat on the back and a “get ‘er done!”

  17. Trooper says:

    I agree, except for those last three words. In the immortal words of every wannabe pimp I’ve everheard (3,157 and counting): “Don’t hate the PLAYER, Hate the GAME.

  18. joey says:

    well written, this article made me laugh pretty hard. the part about justin timberlake coping with the loss fuckin killed me.

  19. Billygoat's Gruff says:

    Bieber: Canada. What the hell happened?