Justin Bieber really took the world by storm in 2010. Millions of young teenage girls realized they had vaginas when they first heard this 14-year-old Canadian R&B sensation croon about love, loss and all manner of adult topics that 14-year-olds know nothing about, other than what they see of it on Dawson’s Creek and The Love Boat (kids are still watching those shows, right?).
In only a short timeframe, Justin has gone from a Youtube phenomenon to worldwide superstardom, having been the subject of a contract bidding war between former Mouseketeer Justin Timberlake, and Usher, a singer that lost his relevance some time in 2003. Usher eventually won out and signed Bieber to a contract. Justin Timberlake coped with this loss by having sex with supermodels, actresses, and being a millionaire.
This is the story of how Justin Bieber became the not-a-man he is today. But, of course, the question is, where will he be in the future?
In mid-2010, Justin hit the recording studio to work on his much anticipated follow-up to his hit album My World 2.0, My World 3.0. Problems arose during the recording process when Justin’s testicles got tired of being forcibly crammed back in to his sack in an attempt to hold-off puberty. In a later interview, Justin’s testicles were quoted as saying, “In retrospect, we were the only thing keeping that little freak’s career afloat.”
The recording session was plagued by studio shut-downs and arguments, most of which involved the transformation of Justin’s sweet, childish voice in to one that sounded vaguely like, as Rolling Stone later put it in their review of My World 3.0, “John Goodman having his tallywacker tickled.”
Despite harsh and negative reviews, My World 3.0 became another worldwide hit for Bieber, going double-platinum within 4 weeks of its release. Notable singles included “Baby, baby, oh, baby!”, “Unprotected Love,” “Cootie Shots,” and “The one wherein I expose double standards by clearly talking about ecstasy-fueled teenage orgies, but no one cares, because I’m a guy.”
After his successful world tour, and his release of yet another album, My World 4.0, Justin felt he needed to expand his horizons and experiment with new musical styles. Sporting facial hair that was more akin to a patchy thatch of semi-burned pubic hair, Justin surprised his legions of fans with the release of his video for his single “I Miss You like, You Know, Something That Misses Something…Hard,” off of his next album New World 1.0. Ditching his usual hip-hip/R&B style, Justin teamed with such legendary musicians as Evgeni Korpikoski, a world class didgeridoo player; and Marco Stapleton, a self-described “Rhythmic Hand Farter.”
During his My World era, Justin’s live shows had become known for raucous crowds of teenage girls and highly disturbed mothers causing riots, stampedes, and tramplings. This kind of activity was notably absent from his A Whole New World Tour of 2021, as most of these teens and mothers sat in packed arenas staring puzzled at the sights they were witnessing. Sights, such as Justin’s 25-minute Hacky-Sack solo, and the Bohemian “Save The Earth” Twirling Hippies, did little to incite the same level of fervor and fanaticism within Justin’s aging, but not any more intelligent than when they were 13, fan base.
His next album, The Biebs 4.0, released in 2025, was an even greater disappointment than his world tour. Topping out at #52 on the Billboard charts, the album was greatly eclipsed by Evgeni Korpikoski and Marco Stapleton’s didgeridoo and hand fart duet album titled “Do Doo Farts” (which remained in the number one spot for nearly 8 weeks).
At the age of 31, Bieber elected to leave the public eye altogether to focus on his charitable work, and to conduct personal acoustic performances of his early songs for borderline alcoholic trophy wives that were already too old to be fans of his when he was popular back in 2010.
Justin died tragically at the age of 34 in an attempt to revitalize his musical career and to “get back to his dope-ass and funky fresh Canadian roots.” While attempting to reach a high note for a song titled “Baby, I swear, I’m not a pedophile,” Justin’s right testicle popped, the shock of which somehow caused a pulmonary embolism.