On March 28, 1986, Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta was born. In the year 2010, Stefani was better known by her stage name Lady Gaga, meaning in the time it took you to mature, graduate college, get stuck in a terrible internship that will probably lead to not getting hired as a fulltime employee; and after finally realizing that the field you chose to study in college is something you have absolutely no interest in, Stefani Germanotta became a multi-millionaire recording artist and sex symbol to people that fantasize about banging Muppets. Yes, it is because of people like Stefani that the rest of us lost 20-somethings feel like a big, steaming bowl of failure poop every day.
Gaga’s career began earnestly in the mid-2000s when she was signed by Def Jam Records, and then released from her contract only 3 months later. Def Jam sources cite Stefani’s lack of “weird shit all over her body” and “songs like sound like a Technicolor gay headache” as the reasons for her dropping her. This proved to be only a mere setback for Stefani, as she picked herself backup, signed with a new label and began to carve out a new identity for herself in the world of music, which means she started taking lots of drugs. So much drugs.
Soon after she began experimenting with all manner of chemical compounds to get high, Stefani’s then producer Rob Fusari started to sing the song “Radio Ga Ga” by Queen whenever Stefani entered a room, dubbing it her theme song. One day, while sending a text message to Stefani, Fusari meant to type the words “Radio Ga Ga,” but his phone’s smarttype system changed “radio” to “lady,” thus creating Stefani’s now world famous moniker, while simultaneously creating the shittiest origin story ever recorded. It was based off of a screwed up text message. This, historians would later claim, is the perfect example of everything that was wrong with America in the early 21st century.
Since then, Lady Gaga has become an international musical sensation. But this is merely the beginning of her tale. What happens to her in the future?
Noticing the dress she wore to the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards, which was made entirely out of raw meat (the dress, not the awards show), became a much talked about stunt, Gaga began focus testing all of her dress ideas from then on out in order to discover the precise configuration of random, non-dress objects she could fashion in to an article of clothing that would freak out the most amount of Americans. After more than a year’s worth of focus testing clothing people only talk about wearing after a few amyl nitrate sniffs, Gaga debuted her much hyped new dress during the 2012 Grammy’s, which was made entirely out of gay Muslim dicks (the dress and the award show).
Gaga came under heavy fire for wearing this dress, the loudest of the protests came from the Gay Muslim Dick Anti-Defamation League — and rightfully so, as Gaga’s dress completely mischaracterized gay Muslim dicks as being only flaccid, brown, and homosexual, when they can, in fact, also be ridged, white, and bisexual – an error she later apologized for during a press conference in which she wore a tuba dotted with googly eyes.
But many tend to forget Lady Gaga was more than a walking slab of meat that had been sneezed on by an eccentric billionaire’s yard sale – she was also a musical artist. After the smashing success of her first two albums, Gaga released her third in 2013, titled FreeK, a play on words that was something about being free and being weird and justifying ones self-imposed alienation from society under the guise of “originality.” As anticipated, the album reached number one on the Billboard charts, selling nearly 13 million CDs worldwide, which meant that the 97.38% of the global population that owned iPods didn’t actually listen to the album as they had nothing that could play a disc. Similarly, the album’s first single, Music To The Key Of Methamphetamine, received heavy rotation on the radio stations that no one listened to anymore. But somehow, even though there was no documented proof of anyone every having listened to one of the songs, no one could stop singing the catchy lyrics…those goddamn catchy lyrics.
Inevitably, of course, her career took a down turn. After years of wearing outlandish dresses to public events, each dress becoming more elaborately ridiculous than the last, Gaga decided to attend the 2016 MTV Video Music Awards in a dress so shocking and incendiary that her career could never fully recover from: she went dressed like a normal person would dress for such an event. And it was with that that everyone realized that she’s actually just an average looking girl, no different from any of them. With the lack of a bear’s head hat (2014 CMT Awards), a Victorian-style neck ruffle in the shape of a vagina (2014 Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards), or of a plaster Quatto protruding forth from her abdomen (2015 McKenzie-Dilberton Printer/Copier Regional Salesmen of the Year Banquet), the world suddenly lost interest in the once controversial Lady Gaga.
In a shallow attempt to jumpstart her career and reach the heights of popularity she had once attained, Gaga began wearing dresses that tested the boundaries of everyone’s patience, the most notable of which was her distasteful dress made entirely of 9/11 rubble. Gaga claimed she was making a political statement when she wore the now infamous 9/11 dress to the 2019 World’s Greatest Dad Awards Gala (NOTE: In 2016, the famous meaningless collection of words on a coffee mug moved to television and became a full-fledged awards show viewed by the nobody that watches broadcast television anymore). The world, finally having had their fill of Lady Gaga, simultaneously took to internet message boards and voiced their anger. Researchers collected every internet comment made about the 9/11 dress and found the number one response to be: “What a c*nt.”
On June 3rd, 2026, Stefani Germanotta, aka Lady Gaga, was killed in a tragic dress accident, after one of the discs of the gyroscopic particle accelerator she wore to the Grammy’s sliced off her torso, sending it to an alternate dimension, leaving only her legs behind.
We now honor Lady Gaga in statue and song for being so desperate for attention that she created a wearable particle accelerator just to get noticed, not realizing that making a particle accelerator you could fit on your back is actually kind of incredible. And it is because of her attention-whoring that humanity is now set to win the war on ghosts and other supernatural entities.