In 2006, the world was introduced to the young girl that would eventually become a national sensation. This girl was Hanna Montana. Soon thereafter, the world realized that Hanna Montana was not the actual name of the actress that played Hanna Montana, and everyone would have felt like an idiot if they actually cared about such a fact. This girl turned out to be Miley Cyrus, daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus – the man that would have destroyed the world of country music with his hit single “Achey Breaky Heart” if anyone actually cared about country music, and didn’t think that all country music already sounded exactly like Achey Breaky Heart.
After her Disney Channel show became a massive hit, after her albums became top sellers, after her concerts sold out nation-wide, and after she gave that gay dude a lap dance in that video in early 2010, Miley Cyrus was on top of the world, capturing the hearts of millions of pre-teens, tweens, teens, and adult pedophiles.
But this is only the story of Miley’s past and present. What about her future?
On June 22nd, 2010, Miley’s third studio album, Can’t Be Tamed, was released to much fanfare and merriment. The excitement for the album came in its revolutionary usage of marketing, which relied less on tour dates, televised performances, music videos, and interviews, and became more about a then 17-year-old Miley acting like a 21-year-old college skank that has grown so immune to ruffies and tequila shots that they have actually become a part of her morning regimen.
The marketing blitz began when famed celebrity blogger Perez Hilton posted an upskirt photo of Miley as she exited a car on his blog. Perez was soon brought up on child pornography charges, and was sentenced to 5 years in a federal penitentiary. At the end of his first year of incarceration, Perez famously tweeted: “Don’t worry about me, guys! This prison is fantastic! I’m sitting in the lap of luxury…and it’s got a boner. Lolz!!!”
Years later, it was discovered that Miley’s upskirt shot was simply the first stage in what would become one of history’s greatest and most effective marketing campaigns. As previously stated, Miley turned away from the traditional means of promotion, and instead focused on cleverly staged photo ops and internet rumors, all of which originated from Miley’s team of P.R. representatives and Miley herself.
In a 2032 interview with Time magazine, Helen Bosworth, head of Miley’s Public Relations team, was quoted as saying, “Miley may have been a real bitch, but I’ll be damned if she doesn’t have the most photogenic cooter I’ve ever seen.”
With this, the marketing campaign began, and it didn’t stop until Miley’s mid-twenties. Rumors of Miley’s supposed surgery to remove 8-quarts of semen from her ear canal swirled around the internet; cleverly CGI’ed videos of Miley playing Mozart’s Dies Ire on a French horn wedged in her rectum became a viral hit; and a totally real video of Miley punching-out a Mexican day laborer in a Krispy Kreme parking lot nearly made her name as recognizable as that of Christ himself. All of this, coupled with her albums and movies, turned Miley Cyrus in to a worldwide megastar, generating a cash flow so large it rivaled the GDP of most 3rd world nations, including Canada.
But the gravy train of success had to make a final stop at some point, and that stop came in the form of a young man by the name of Dylan Spencer. Dylan was a product of Disney’s Teen Idol Mathematical Algorithm, a complex equation created by out-of-work NASA scientists after the end of the manned space flight program. The algorithm was designed to calculate the probability of the birth of a new potential Teen Idol, and it could even calculate an approximate location of the birth. (Side Note: the Teen Idol Mathematical Algorithm was later sold to various entertainment companies and modified to fit a channel’s specific interest. It is because of this algorithm that MTV was able to produce a series of fresh-faced vapid dipshits for well over a century’s worth of reality television, and why Bravo was able to churn out 84 seasons worth of trashy, gold digging “Real Housewives.”)
Miley, then 26, and Dylan, then 18, gave birth to their first son, Cletus Cyrus-Spencer. Miley’s career was never able to recover from the birth of Cletus, due to Cletus’ 22-pound and 3-ounce birth weight. Former Miley Cyrus manager Bill Williamson was quoted as saying, “She had a magnificent and very marketable poon…in the begging. But no one wants to see a poon that looks like a Thai chopped beef salad.”
With the obliteration of her vagina, Miley’s career took a very noticeable downturn. The Oscar-level movie roles she was once handed dissipated and her record sales plummeted. This downturn threw Miley in to a panic. She and her PR team met daily for marathon-like brainstorming sessions in the hopes of generating one massive PR stunt that would sky rocket her career back to where it once was. While many of the ideas in this brainstorming session never saw the light of day, some did. For example, Miley’s recording of her 8th album, Inside Me, in which a microphone was inserted in to Miley’s lower intestine to record her muffled voice (the album was universally panned, as most critics used the line, “This album sounds like ass” in their reviews.)
The desperate attempts reached their tragic highpoint when Miley agreed to “accidentally” trip and have sex with a nearby horse while exiting an L.A. nightclub. This PR move ended tragically when the over-excited horse kicked Miley in the face, sending Miley flying back in to a fence, rebounding back from the fence, then getting kicked in the face again…all followed by the pre-planned horse sex.
Through countless plastic surgeries, Miley’s face eventually regained some of its “homosapien qualities.” Her vagina never recovered. The damage inflicted by the horse was too much for even the world’s leading vaginoplastiologists, one of whom was quoted as saying, “Before the horse, it was awful. After the horse, I…I’m sorry…I think I’m going to throw up. Excuse me…”