Let’s jump right in to this: your first sexual experience will be a failure on par with that terrible memory you have of that time you forgot your lines in the school play and, in lieu of dialogue, you chose to urinate all over your Tin Man costume. And, just like during the play, the girl that plays Dorothy will attempt to hold in her laughter as she tries to come up with an excuse for you that you’re far too terrified to even begin to think of: “Well, I guess he won’t be needing that oil can!”
But, in the end, though, it’s still your first time. To help you on your first sexual adventure, we’re going to arm you with knowledge. There’s no better way to make a girl think you’re a pro then by studying up and getting to learn all of the ins and outs of doing it before you actually do it. So allow us to help you with this handy step-by-step guide.
Step 1: The Art Of Seduction
Who are we kidding? You’re a virgin. Seduction for you never goes further than saying “How about I just put in the tip?” When you first have sex you aren’t so much playing a sexy game of cat and mouse, exchanging pithy sexual innuendo at one-another like James Bond and a Bond girl as much as you’re haggling for a lowered price on a set of Magic The Gathering cards at a yard sale. You will never sound more pathetic than when you are hunched over your partner, slowly gyrating your hips in a very blatant manner that you think is very subtle and trying to barter your way in to a vagina like a starved man in a post-apocalyptic wasteland trying to negotiate the terms of the blowjob you have to give a scavenger for some rancid dog meat.
You’re not going to be good at seducing a girl, so your best shot at doing anything that even comes remotely close to seduction is…
Step 2: Foreplay
If seduction is the art of getting someone ready for some lovin’, foreplay is the art of knocking out 3 or four orgasms so you don’t have to put in that much work when you get to the penetration part, which is good because you won’t have that much to put in (that may or may not have been pun about your non-impressive penis size).
Foreplay is kissing, teasing, caressing, and putting parts of other people’s bodies in your mouth that bodily waste tends to fall out of. Let’s focus on that last one, seeing as it’s the one that requires the most craftsmanship and is a skill that must be honed.
With that said, oral sex on a man requires virtually no skill. BJ’s are the Nintendo Wii of sex: everybody and their grandmother can go from inexperienced to pro in one session. If people tell you you’re not good at it, you should seriously reevaluate your sexual orientation, because everyone is born knowing how to do it. Most straight guys would probably rock a dick’s world if they gave it a shot.
Oral sex on a female is called Cunnilingus, and there’s probably an art to it, but really, all you have to do is flail your tongue around like you have no arms and you’re trying to navigate though darkness with your mouth. Also, an interesting side note about oral sex is that if you blow in to the vagina, the nipples get larger. Conversely, if a woman holds her nose and blows, her vagina can resuscitate a drowning victim.
Step 3: Sex
You are going to be so quick your first time out that brain may not even be able to register that you are no longer a virgin and by the end of it you’ll wake away with 2 minutes and 47 seconds missing from your memory and you’ll still think you’re a virgin. If you filmed it and watched it over again, you would be filled with confusion and would say, “Hey, who recorded a man crying as he rests his pelvis on a shaky washing machine over my sex tape?” So the best thing to do is to just let it happen, then kind of make a joke about it afterwards like “Heh, I guess it takes practice,” or “Obviously, my penis wants to get out of here faster than I do.”
When trying to locate the vaginal opening, you must keep in mind that the vagina is not the butt. Most men make this mistake on a regular basis, which makes it less of a mistake and more of a wishful prodding. It’s non-sexual equivalent would be punching a guy in the face then immediately cowering in fear at whatever repercussion may come flying at your head.
There are a lot of sexual positions out there, but on your first time you should only concern yourself with missionary as all of the other ones are a whole lot of work and fancy acrobatics for an act that amounts to nothing more than putting a tube thing in a moist hole. When you eat a hot dog you don’t do it Wheel Barrow-style as to get the flavor all over those hard to reach taste buds. No, you just shove the thing in your head, just as you should just shove your thing in her head, then in her bottom holes. No muss, no fuss, no trying to figure out where your penis should go in the middle of this clustered entanglement of human flesh.
Step 4: Climax
Climax is far too epic of a word for what you’re going to experience. Maybe “culmination” is better? Or maybe “apogee,” which basically means the same thing, only it sounds about as sloppy and nonsensical as your first time will be. You will find that there is no rhyme or reason for why you reached your climax, it just happened. One minute you will be thrusting away like a corpse slowly bouncing to a standstill after a bungee jump, the next, you’ll look like you smell something bad as someone is throwing stuff at your face and you can do nothing but grimace and tense up as you try to dodge it with tiny head jerks.
Also, there’s no such thing as a man and woman climaxing at the exact same time. If you manage to pull it off, then congratulations – you just opened a portal to hell!