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Magic’s “Rude” is the Entitled Douchebag Anthem Robin Thicke Forgot to Write

Clearly, Robin Thicke-a-mania is over, with his new album moving fewer units than a $5-per-cup lemonade stand. While this may be because people were too busy forking over their hard-earned trust fund money so some moron could make a mountain of potato salad, it’s more likely because people are finally figuring out that the quickest way to shut up a massive douchebag is to stop giving him money for stuff.

Leaving him to depend only on his filthy-rich father’s fortune for sustenance.

Of course, the music world always needs an easily-hateable douchebag, so people can feel like a big shot when raging about him on Twitter. Luckily, we have the perfect candidate: the singer of Magic!

That wasn’t me getting overly excited — the band’s name is Magic with an exclamation point. It’s supposed to convey enthusiasm for how the band’s music is like magic, but to me it invokes the “spaceship!” guy from The Lego Movie at best, and Special Ed from Crank Yankers at worst.

“I came and went before Internet outrage could draw and quarter me at first sight, yayyyy!”

Magic!’s music can best be described as “reggae for people who hate when reggae has something to say”. Marley’s cries for social justice and the end of racism were great and all, but such a buzzkill. Mag!ic knows what really makes reggae tick — total banality and entitled dickheadedness. Their new hit single, “Rude” is both: banal, gentle, purty — and yes, dickishly entitled. Brutally so.

On the surface, “Rude” is about a guy who wants to marry a girl. At its heart though, lies a shockingly-blatant selfishness that Mr. Thicke couldn’t pull off on his best day. Because this song is set in the same universe where the guy from Maroon 5 blows all his change at a payphone, M!agi!c Man ask’s his girl’s father for permission to marry his daughter. For reasons never explained, the father immediately — and forcefully — says hell no. Maybe he heard !!!!!’s other songs and vowed that his little girl would remain single until a real musician came along.

Does it matter? Nope, because the singer turns right around and says “well, fuck you, I’m gonna marry her anyway“. Because her father didn’t give him the answer he wanted, he’s just going to ignore it and proceed as planned anyhow. That’s supremely dickish of anybody, no matter how much watered-down Burning Spear they produce.

In addition, his response to the rejection might be the single whiniest thing I’ve ever heard in music: “why you gotta be so rude? Don’t you know that I’m human too?” Yes, I’m fairly certain he knows you’re human, Singer Man — if he thought otherwise, he would reject you specifically because you were a dog, or a cat, or possibly a sea slug. He would then make millions of you in endorsements and reality TV deals, because you are a talking animal.

Albeit one the vet should put down immediately.

Even without that, how does being told “no” make you less of a human? He’s not whipping you or throwing you into an oven — he’s literally just saying no, like Nancy Reagan taught him to. You don’t need to weep and whine about your poor tarnished humanity, especially when you follow it up by dismissing his opinion outright. Talk about rude.

What’s worst is, he didn’t have to string Dad along like this. Getting a girl’s father’s permission isn’t a legal prerequisite for marriage and never was. It was simply a way to ensure that holidays don’t get too awkward because your father-in-law is convinced you’re secretly a Neo-Nazi. But you don’t HAVE to do it. If you strike out while doing so though, respect the decision and find another lady. Maybe hold out for an orphan next time. Just don’t do the DX crotch chop in his face and run off with his daughter anyhow. Then he’ll REALLY think you’re a Neo-Nazi, and that you converted her to the cause.

Robin Thicke’s career crashed and burned as soon as he became the poster boy for entitled douches who don’t take no for an answer. Good to see !Magic’!s already well on his way there.

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