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Making the Autumnal Equinox More Awesome

It’s time again for the Autumnal Equinox.  Or Fall Equinox.  Or September Equinox.  Or whatever.  It’s the day when the day and the night are just about equal and, I dunno, leaves turn yellow or some crap.  Don’t pretend like you care.  However, you should care!  Because your Autumnal Equinox can be the most exhilarating awesome time of your life if you let it.  It’ll be better than Christmas, your birthday, free pizza day and not getting VD all at the SAME TIME!  Go ahead and say “woo” quietly if you want, everyone else is doing it.  Know what else they’re doing?  Meth. Try a piece with some cheese.  Then read on!

Harvest Awesome

Sucka MC’s have a normal harvest to celebrate the Fall.  Here’s some names you can call them;


 You don’t want to be old Weird Crotch of the neighborhood, so you better amp up your Harvest to Awesome.  It’s not even as hard as you think.  Check this out;


Get yourself a nice display of ninja shark squash, maybe some corn that shoots fire and a boobie pumpkin and brother, you just harvested ten kinds of awesome.  Then go laugh at some sucker farmer eating a peach.  What a shito he is.

Fall Festival Awesome

All across the country in the most boring towns imaginable, now is the season for fall festivals.  These are events when people purposely bring pumpkins into a central location so they can be judged on their pumpkiness, and maybe they hand out ribbons for pies as if pies needed you pathetic deference and brown nosing to prove their superiority.  They are literally the most boring things ever.  In an effort to improve on this boring shittery, they will occasionally deep fry many disgusting foods for your enjoyment, or perhaps let your child ride a pony that no longer has a will to live.


We assume you just left the room to have a loathing shit (a shit brought on by your sense of loathing) but luckily for you this is a text-based article so I don’t even need to pause my writing while the rest of us wait for your return.


To awesome up your fall festival, try to live up to the motto “expect the unexpected.”  How does one do that?  Glad you asked, I have a poorly made photoshop!


As you can see, while the hicks come looking for rustic bullshit, you can serve up Gwar, R2D2, a plane car and lumberjack girls.  Take that, Middle America.  Who just won the Blue Ribbon?  We did.

Hippie Pagan Party Awesome

This is the time of year when non-bathers and patchouli stinkers like to get together in their togas and hemp sweaters and homemade clogs to drink organic tea and offer thanks to Earth spirits and other cornball shit like that.  If you let them, these people will try to make you eat vegan snacks and try to force you to agree that they’re delicious.  And you know what?  They won’t be.  They’ll be made from pinto beans and eggplant and kale and granola and they’ll be rancid as Kesha.  You’ll spit them out you will.


Hippie pagans mean well, you need to remember this.  Very rarely will a hippie pagan ever punch you in the mouth.  They might steal shit from your wallet if you’re not looking, or overstay their welcome for months on end because they’re very self centered and they’ll clog your drains, criticize your lifestyle and leave their filthy shit everywhere.  But at their core, they’re still better than hipsters and douchebags.  So if you can, show them the error of their ways.


From here, it’s only one more step to turn your hippie pagan party into an awesome party!

 Feast Awesome


Thanksgiving is the most prominent Fall feast but traditionally many people have enjoyed a feast on the equinox because any chance to jam your face hole full of potatoes and pumpkin pie is a good one, just ask someone eating potatoes and pumpkin pie.  Maybe try an Applebee’s.


You should be aware by now of what kind of stuff to expect at a normal fall feast and I refuse to write any more jokes about squash, they’re just not funny.  It’s all pretty standard stuff though, and you should avoid it at all costs if you’re looking to awesome up your feast.  No corn, no turkey, no sweet potatoes, that’s amateur hour.  Not even a turducken can stand up to this challenge.  No, you need to go Ultra Food;

It’s the love that really makes it delicious.  Plus the Guinea Fowl.  You’re now officially ready for an awesome Autumnal Equinox, congratulations!

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