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Male Birth Control Methods And Why Men Can’t Be Counted On To Make Them Work

So the Holy Grail unicorn Sasquatch that is men’s birth control has been spotted again. It’s not a pill or a device that can fall off or get lost, it’s actually an injection that kills the sperm while it’s en route from the testes to the light at the end of the tunnel.

This form of men’s birth control will be just as unsuccessful as the ones that came before it because it involves a syringe full of sperm killing jelly to the balls. Good try science, but we’ve thwarted you again. Let’s take a look at men’s birth control options and why they haven’t worked…

According to planned parenthood, there are five options for male birth control:

Abstinence

I don’t think I even need to tell you why this one is hard to pull off. I guess it’s possible to continue to not have sex if you’ve never had it before, but if you have had it. Good luck intentionally not having it. If you run in the right circles, you can have sex by accident. It’s almost impossible to avoid unless you’re living in a dry county that only allows men with no transportation. You can only “handle your own business” for so long until a very specific type of rage builds up inside you. It’s a kind of withdrawal induced rage that hits you on some sort of cellular, lizard brain level. The anger and disorientation will overwhelm you in such a powerful way that you’ll either have sex with someone you didn’t want to have sex with, or you’ll move into a monastery. So abstinence is out.

Condoms

Condoms have been around for centuries. And for centuries they’ve been breaking, slipping off and inhibiting sensation for males. They’re still the best bet, but they rely on the responsibility of a man. A man has to remember to buy them, keep them on his person and properly put it on BEFORE he starts having intercourse. Keeping all that shit together can be difficult for men, especially if they’re at the age of their sexual peak, which is roughly 18 – 25, which happens to be the seven years in which you will inevitably screw everything up. You’ll bomb in college, you’ll drink too much, you’ll endure severe heartbreak that will make you continue to drink more and have sex with strangers. And low on your list of priorities will be buying, carrying and properly using condoms.

Outercourse

No, I didn’t make that word up, science did. It basically means putting it somewhere else. I’m not going to explain it to you, you’re supposed to be adults. For young, unmarried men, this method will likely only work for a short period of time. Like the period of time between the third and fifth dates. Unfortunately, the ultimate goal will always be real intercourse.

Vasectomy

Difficult to reverse, incredibly painful, and super effective. Two out of three is bad. Vasectomies require health insurance and commitment. Two things that people who should really be getting vasectomies don’t often have.

Withdrawal

Here’s another relatively ineffective one that relies on a male’s judgement and ability to interrupt his pleasure-seeking mission. Once a male begins having intercourse, his brain effectively shrinks and loses its ability to focus on anything other than “shooting a goal.” Multitasking skills and the ability to reason go completely out the window until enough blood is allowed back in the brain, thus making it incredibly difficult to “throw it in the stands.”

4 Responses to "Male Birth Control Methods And Why Men Can’t Be Counted On To Make Them Work"

  1. Jessica vaugn says:

    Outercourse! Ba ha ha!!

  2. DonkeyXote says:

    How could you not provide a link to a previous brilliant article you did on outercourse????????

    http://www.holytaco.com/learning-about-outercourse-one-mans-journey/

  3. Myles Long says:

    Since that episode of Family Guy I do nothing but good old fashion ear sex.