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Man Forced To Eat His Own Beard. Yes, There Are Rednecks Involved.

Eat Beard

 It’s really hard to not think of people from the Kentucky as anything other than slightly retarded backwoods morons when stories like this one pop up. Kentucky, I’m trying – I mean really trying – to think of you guys has the non-one-dimensional cartoon characters that I know you aren’t, but why do you make it so hard? I know there’s at least one person among you that doesn’t look like he makes moonshine in the bathtub in the outhouse that’s also a house for his sister/wife. See what just happened there? I did it again. I turned you in to a one-dimensional character. Not cool. But you forced my hand with this news story that came out of you…

Yeah. That’s right. You just saw that happen. Now do you understand what I’m talking about? Do you see where I’m coming from? I’m probably not going to be traveling to Kentucky anytime soon, so Kentucky’s appearances in the media are the closest I’m ever going to get when forming an opinion about the state. I want to think of you guys as leaders in both industry and intelligence, even though I have no factual evidence to back up either claim. But do you know what I do have? A video about one hick talking about how two other hicks made him eat his own facial hair over the asking price of an old lawnmower. And Rand Paul. That’s two pieces of evidence that show me you’re clearly the stereotypes I don’t want to think of you as.

And another thing: this is NBC 18’s lead story for the 11’o’clock news. THE.LEAD.STORY. I can only infer that the tale of the dastardly duo that make a man eat his own beard is the most interesting and newsworthy thing happening in Kentucky at any given time. The news anchors must have been frothing at the mouth with excitement when they heard this story, as it’s a nice change of pace from reporting on Mrs. Henderson’s missing cow and that family of colored folks that moved in down the street. “Are those colored folks A-rab terrorists? Undeniable proof of them engaging in anti-America voodoo, tonight at 11.”

Also, the lady news anchor’s last name is Cox. Ha! Lady Cox! But that’s beside the point. The point is this: Kentucky, you guys need to have some kind of meeting where you decide what you’re going to do about people like the Beard Eater. He makes you look terrible. I don’t want to think of all of you as regressive hicks that have nothing to offer a society that only wants to move forward.

But, then again, there probably isn’t much hope for you, Kentucky. You’re not doing a very good job convincing me you’re anything more than everything that’s wrong with that video. Today you gave us this video, and way back when he was alive over a century ago, you made Mark Twain say this about you: "When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Kentucky, because everything there happens 20 years after it happens anywhere else." That’s proof that you guys have sucked, do suck, and will continue to suck all throughout the continuum of space and time.
 

24 Responses to "Man Forced To Eat His Own Beard. Yes, There Are Rednecks Involved."

  1. Southern says:

    Have to agree that this blog went way out of its way to take jabs at people who are of low-income and education. You don’t know their background and not everyone is so lucky to grow up with excellent literacy. however, these people do not represent all the people’s of the Appalachians. Our country was founded and liberated by the ancestors of the people of Kentucky, Tennessee, North Carolina et al, show some respect. Its so distasteful to make fun of people less fortunate than you, and showed lack of creativity to stick to cartoonish stereotypes. Lazy Ass! I suppose that’s why this is a blog and not a real piece of published literature. Work on your writing pal. That being said, the story is HILARIOUS, and justice was served (maybe as a beard)!
    Peace From the Mountians

  2. David Pat says:

    You mean you are not going to come to Kentucky? Well I guess the plan worked!

  3. Ian Fortey says:
    That was kind of the point of the article though, he was poitning out how the stereotypesof the backwood hillbilly are reinforced particularly in this story and the media in general. 
  4. traviskitchens says:

    “the Kentucky”?

    “to think of you guys has the non-one-dimensional cartoon characters”

    Who’s the retard here?

    FAIL!

  5. billy bob says:

    every state has their dullards, i think the scary part is these people are politically active and shaping the future of our nation. At least our guidos are intelligent enough to stay away from the polls.

  6. Lefty says:

    I’m from Ohio, but I visit Kentucky quite often. It’s a beautiful state, full of the friendliest people you’ll ever meet. Every state has rednecks, Kentucky (and Ohio for that matter) just gets a bad rap.

  7. Soylent Ape says:

    The subtext underscored by this blog is not that there are some people who have personalities, appearances and mindsets in line with certain unfortunate stereotypes, for this is true of people everywhere. The sad truth is that certain people, even in this day and age, continue to paint everyone that lives in a certain geographical area must be held to that stereotype–in this case the dumb, unsophisticated, racist bumpkin. I’m sure a decent amount of this owes to many in the media being butt-hurt over the 2010 Midterms, too. (I noticed the snide reference to Rand Paul.)

    Come on, people! It’s not the 1890s anymore and, however nice it may make some of you feel to look down on another group of people, the idea that the South and Midwest is full of people like this is simply not valid anymore.

  8. Tag says:

    I’m from Kentucky, and moved all over the state when i was young. the rule of thumb is, Anything East of Louisville (with the exception of Lexington), everyone is a Quote “slightly retarded backwoods moron…one-dimensional cartoon character”. Living in Western Kentucky, im ok with this as it provides for some great stories. And all of us feel superior to Florida when stories like the baby that was shaken over farmville thing happened.

  9. Someone in kentucky says:

    I live in Kentucky and Troy Holt, the one who made the big guy eat his beard is my uncle. I think it’s hilarious, however; my uncle is sorry for what he did. Don’t forget guys, he was DRUNK and you know what happens when people drink too much. They do STUPID stuff like cutting off a fat guys beard. Anyway, I’m an educated Kentuckian studying to be a teacher. I attend UK and I’m nothing like that “hick” on television. That is not what Kentucky is all about! The story is funny, I must admit… and wierd! Oh well, my uncle is a funny character and yes, he doesn stupid stuff when he’s drunk… just like the rest of us. lol

  10. Reno says:

    Being from Kentucky, I can tell you we all laugh at idiots like this and it must have been a slow news day.

  11. d says:

    I’m also from Kentucky. If I saw this guy anywhere near me, I’d pepper spray him. What a moron.

  12. Mountainman53 says:

    Making fun of the news covering something which you turn around and bother to rant on? Funny. The media always jumps on rednecks being retarded, yet who knows what horribly rancid things the hobos and crackheads in every city do each and every day

  13. cdg says:

    Yet even the lowest of the gutter dwelling hobos in New York wouldn’t eat thier own facial hair, even at gunpoint. That is just pure Southern sister f’ing redneck shit right there.

  14. Soylent Ape says:

    Have you even been to New York? I once saw a man writing in his own excrement outside Grand Central! I used to live in Kentucky and I can say that I’ve never seen even the most cranked-up trailer dweller do that.

  15. Will G says:

    Wow … I wonder if the person that posted this realizes that he sounds like some former Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard. He’s attempting to rally new recruits for a lynch mob against all blacks when in fact it was his own wife and 1st cousin’s brother that committed the offense.
    Talk about something happening 20 years later. I think you missed your short-bus friend.
    Oh and the comment about the Lady Cox! Man, that was a classic! You are too funny. Grow up.

  16. Ian Fortey says:
    Are you a troll that tries to dazzle and confuse with gibberish, or did what you say make sense to you?  You caught…genuine racism in this post?  Really?
  17. Will G says:

    No, not racism, I inferred idiocy from the post. Someone taking a random act (However stupid it truly was) and perpetuating it, by stating something just as idiotic as including a whole state … then going on to make fun of someone’s name … please.
    That isn’t wit, that’s immaturity found on an elementary school playground.

  18. Ian Fortey says:
    I think you missed the boat there from the 1st paragraph
  19. Will G says:
    You’re right, Holy Taco, I am perfectly capable of undertsanding the facetious nature of this post which should be obvious to most as it takes some light hearted jabs at the expense of Southern stereotypes.  I have changed my mind and this is swell.  I heart Holy Taco!
  20. wtf says:

    uh, you implied racism was the motivation for this post. how about we quit throwing around “THAT’S RACIST!” and laugh a little, k?

  21. taco tico says:

    ppffffsshhttt… remember Will G.. theres a difference between kneeling down and bending over.

  22. Kentucky Proud says:

    I am also from Kentucky. I saw the story on this news channel, and yes, we laugh at idiots like this too. I acutally prefer this as an 11:00 lead story to that of a child molester, kidnapping, or a murder. Bring on the slow news days.

  23. Erin says:

    News stories up north aren’t much better.
    Not to mention the accents.
    It’s pronounced:
    “long island” not “lawn-guy-land”
    “ray-dee-ay-ter” not “rad-ee-ayt-er”
    “coffee” not “cwoffee”
    “call” not “cwall”

    NOT TO MENTION:
    GUIDOS
    JERSEY SHORE
    UGZ
    WEARING LEGGINGS AS PANTS
    USING ROSARIES AS JEWELRY INSTEAD OF AS PRAYER AIDS

    …Oh yeah, and the assumption that you’re not racist. Racism up north is just more specific. Instead of “white”, “black”, “mexican”, “arab”, you’ve got people bitching over the differences between
    peurto ricans
    russians
    irish
    italians
    polish
    korean
    chinese
    japanese
    ukranian
    nigerian
    brazilian
    phillipino

    etc.

    NO PLACE IS PERFECT AND EVERY PLACE HAS ITS STEREOTYPES!

  24. Kentucky Girl says:

    Come on. This is my hometown and I assure you that even though we are a small Southern community, we have far more to offer than one individual with a painfully strange story and unfortunate choice for a hat.

    Your choice to stereotype my hometown and state with a comment like, “you guys have sucked, do suck, and will continue to suck all throughout the continuum of space and time.” based on one admittedly strange story is pretty lame and only exposes your immaturity.

    Insinuating that our entire state is racist based on Mr. Westmoreland’s hat is analogous to saying all of New Yorkers are prostitutes and escorts based on one street corner.

    It was weird, but I think you may have taken it a little too far.

    Respectfully,
    Kentucky Girl