It’s really hard to not think of people from the Kentucky as anything other than slightly retarded backwoods morons when stories like this one pop up. Kentucky, I’m trying – I mean really trying – to think of you guys has the non-one-dimensional cartoon characters that I know you aren’t, but why do you make it so hard? I know there’s at least one person among you that doesn’t look like he makes moonshine in the bathtub in the outhouse that’s also a house for his sister/wife. See what just happened there? I did it again. I turned you in to a one-dimensional character. Not cool. But you forced my hand with this news story that came out of you…
Yeah. That’s right. You just saw that happen. Now do you understand what I’m talking about? Do you see where I’m coming from? I’m probably not going to be traveling to Kentucky anytime soon, so Kentucky’s appearances in the media are the closest I’m ever going to get when forming an opinion about the state. I want to think of you guys as leaders in both industry and intelligence, even though I have no factual evidence to back up either claim. But do you know what I do have? A video about one hick talking about how two other hicks made him eat his own facial hair over the asking price of an old lawnmower. And Rand Paul. That’s two pieces of evidence that show me you’re clearly the stereotypes I don’t want to think of you as.
And another thing: this is NBC 18’s lead story for the 11’o’clock news. THE.LEAD.STORY. I can only infer that the tale of the dastardly duo that make a man eat his own beard is the most interesting and newsworthy thing happening in Kentucky at any given time. The news anchors must have been frothing at the mouth with excitement when they heard this story, as it’s a nice change of pace from reporting on Mrs. Henderson’s missing cow and that family of colored folks that moved in down the street. “Are those colored folks A-rab terrorists? Undeniable proof of them engaging in anti-America voodoo, tonight at 11.”
Also, the lady news anchor’s last name is Cox. Ha! Lady Cox! But that’s beside the point. The point is this: Kentucky, you guys need to have some kind of meeting where you decide what you’re going to do about people like the Beard Eater. He makes you look terrible. I don’t want to think of all of you as regressive hicks that have nothing to offer a society that only wants to move forward.
But, then again, there probably isn’t much hope for you, Kentucky. You’re not doing a very good job convincing me you’re anything more than everything that’s wrong with that video. Today you gave us this video, and way back when he was alive over a century ago, you made Mark Twain say this about you: "When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Kentucky, because everything there happens 20 years after it happens anywhere else." That’s proof that you guys have sucked, do suck, and will continue to suck all throughout the continuum of space and time.