There’s a strange phenomenon out there in the world involving people that desperately want a day off from work. I’ve written about it before. It’s that strange, somewhat illogical mentality found in people that put a lot of work in to making sure they don’t work. It’s really all about misplaced drive and determination. For some, a steady pay check will produce the bare minimum amount of motivation, whereas the idea of working extra hard to get paid and not work the job they’re getting paid to work is a much more alluring prospect.
Take, for example, this story about a 56-year-old Austrian man that wanted some more time off.
This man, let’s call him Hans, was already on leave from whatever job he had. Judging from the original article (which doesn’t contain too many specifics), Hans was ill and had been given an extended vacation by his employer to recuperate. After some time passed, a representative from Austria’s labor department was to visit Hans to determine whether or not he was fit to return to work. Hans was not ready to go back to work, for whatever reason. Maybe he felt he was still sick with whatever ailment he had, or maybe he straight-up didn’t want to go back to work, instead wanting to finish his 5,000 piece puzzle of a white tiger floating in space. Whatever the reason, going back to work was the last thing Hans wanted to do.
This got Hans to thinking. “Maybe if I proved to the representative from the labor department that I am still unable to work, I can squeeze another couple of weeks out of this?” Rather than run through ferris bueller’s list of ways to fake an illness to take a day off from school, Hans took a more…extreme path toward racking up some extra vacation days.
He cut off his own foot with an electric saw.
Hans happened to have a workshop in his home, and that workshop contained an electric saw that could easily slice through wood. So why not lop off a foot and reap the benefits? You know, the benefits that come along with sawing off your own foot, like wisdom and good judgment.
Hans held his left leg to the saw and sliced off the like the ladies at the deli counter that slice your ham. After that, Hans picked up his severed foot and, for some weird-ass reason, tossed his own detected foot in to his oven. If this story were weirder, this is the point when I would tell you that Hans then garnished his foot with some carrots, onions, and potatoes and baked it slowly at 275 degree for four-hours, until his foot flesh was so succulent that he could suck his meat right off his own bones. Sadly for me, the comedy blogger, but thankfully for humanity as a whole, that did not happen.
Hobbled by the lack of a foot, but mostly by his own stupidity, Hans dragged his bloody stump to his garage to phone emergency services. Doctors were unable to surgically reattach his foot.
And there you have it – a story of a man so lazy that he removed one of his own extremities to continue to be lazy. And the best part it, without a foot, and with the fact that this story is spreading all across the world, Hans (or whatever his real name is) has ensured that he will never work again.
So…I guess he won?