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Man Sends Hitman to Kill Wife, Wife Beats Hitman With Claw-Hammer Then Chokes Him to Death [#happyendings]


(A film version of Susan’s story is already in the works. She will be played by Ryan Gosling.)

One night back in September 2006, a woman named Susan Kuhnhausen came home from her job as an ER nurse, and found a strange man in her home. The man was named Edward Haffey, and he had been paid $50,000 by Susan’s husband Michael to murder her.

Susan understood the man’s intentions immediately. So, she grabbed a claw-hammer, and started taking his ass apart. After a 14-minute struggle, she choked him to death.

“My father, the carpenter, always taught me a hammer could be used for self defense — the claw end would work the best,” Walters said. “His last words on this earth were ‘you’re strong,’”

Holy crap, that woman is a gangster. And I know it’s not nice to speak ill of the dead, but dang, how bad do you have to suck as a hitman to be outslugged by this person?

Michael Kuhnhausen was sentenced to ten years in prison for arranging the bungled hit, but may be paroled this month. Susan — who now goes by the name Susan Walters — is trying to persuade the Oregon Board of Parole and Post-Prison Supervision to ban Kuhnhausen from entering the Oregon country where she now lives. Kuhnhausen now has terminal prostate cancer, and insists he is not a threat to his ex wife.

The moral of this story: If you want a job done right, do it yourself. And for the love of God, don’t leave claw-hammers around the house if your wife knows how to use them. Also: Maybe marriage counseling would have been better for all parties involved? Ah well. Hindsight is 20-20.

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