The following are notes we recovered from Nic Cage’s garbage/tent in which he lives. They were written on cocktail napkins.
My son Weston is missing. It’s up to me, Nic Cage, to solve the mystery! (Follow along and see if you can help Nic figure out how best to find his missing boy!)
- I, Nicholas Cage, am America’s greatest treasure
- Weston is the lead singer of a black metal band not called Hubert’s Sinister Fondlings
- Weston looks like a raccoon in a man suit
- The IMDb says his nickname is “Arcane” but lol isn’t written after it. Typo?
- A man is paid to babysit Weston, by me, Nic Cage. All three of the aforementioned people are adults.
- Weston uses roundhouse kicks whilst fighting
- Weston’s baby sitter is also his trainer, or my (Nic Cage’s) personal assistant. Or his old wrestling coach. Or possibly Robocop.
- I should never be trusted with money.
- Weston is “unhinged.”
- Weston hates the heads of Christians and may threaten to rip them off if provoked.
With these 10 facts in hand, I, Nicolas Cage, must determine how to track down my black metal musician, mentally unstable son. My options and their corresponding drawbacks!
- Call the police
- Possible issue with police having transplanted faces with criminals and/or paparazzi and showing up only to steal my comic books or take pictures of me crying into my comic books. Plus, my wig is in the shop today.
- Call a Private Investigator
- Unlikely to work for autographed copies of Ghost Rider.
- May discover my secret dealings with the Illuminati
- Call Dog the Bounty Hunter
- Can’t make myself be seen with someone who has such preposterous hair
- What if his wife’s boobies crush Weston? Can I sue A&E?
- Use a bloodhound
- Weston smells of cheap brandy and sweat. The dog will turn up half of Hollywood. Including me.
- Consult a Psychic
- It is a little known fact that Cage hair works much like Magneto’s helmet and prevents psychic interference. They’ve tried to steal my secrets for years but they’ve never succeeded. And they never will.
- Send in my personal assistant
- NO DRAWBACKS WHATSOEVER!
My path seems clear! Time to plot strategy!
- My personal assistant, Villegas, will distribute posters similar to these;
2. Villegas will spring east to west down streets I recall seeing my son on. In his hand he will carry a bullhorn. Perhaps this model;
He will yell Weston’s name thusly “Nicolas Cage’s son Weston Cage, where are you?” until Weston replies, presumably with something like “I, Nicolas Cage’s son, am here!”
3. Villegas will stake out Weston’s favorite restaurant and then beat the ever-loving crap out of him. Then call the police on him.
I, NICOLAS CAGE, CANNOT FAIL!