Time Magazine has officially unveiled their Time Person Of The Year, and it’s that dude that made that thing that lets you play Farmville and passively call someone you are currently hanging out with an A-hole.
After Time declared that you – Yes, You! – were the person of the year in 2006, totally copping out by claiming that you – Yes, You! The guy currently thinking about cranking one out in your office restroom — deserved some kind of pandering to make you buy their magazine, they have made the person that’s at least partially responsible for making you – Yes, You! – the 2006 Person Of The Year the 2010 Person Of The Year. Confused yet? Don’t worry. It’s all a bunch of bullshit anyway. In 2011, Zuckerberg could use his mystical Facebook powers to track down victims for a coast-to-coast murder spree, and Time will be all like, “Yeah, but how were we supposed to know that all of his 2010 achievements were merely the prelude to a much grander, much more nefarious and horrid 2011 achievement?”
If that happens, Time will have egg on their faces and blood on their hands. But damn, would that make for an amazing story or what? I can already see the Social Network sequel now, The Social Network, II: Status: Death! It would be right up David Fincher’s alley, too. It’d be like The Social Network meets Fight Club meets-someone’s-head-in-a-box-like-in-Se7en.
As per usual with these Person Of The Year covers, a picture of the person accompanies the distinction. Obama had a nice cover. Even George W. Bush had a flattering one. Mark Zuckerberg looks like lizard in human skin. If he wanted to, he could rip the feeble human meat off his skull and reveal his true self, Gundar of the Liztoka species from a planet beyond our stars. His mission of ultimate human destruction is to get us all on one communications network so that we may tear ourselves asunder by posting meaningless inspiration quotes from movies or posting pictures of ourselves with our tits all flopping out as if they were inviting everyone to have a lick.
Ultimately, this distinction means nothing, really. Like I said, even George W. Bush was the person of the year (Oooooh! A Liberal Zinger!), and even Barack Obama was person of the year (Ooooh! Sick republican burn, son!), and even Hitler had that distinction (Ooooooooh, shit. Really? That’s pretty f*cked up). So, that’s something, I guess.