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The Marketing Meeting To Decided How To Package The Guidette Love Doll

Guidette Love Doll

Charles: Alright, so, the next item on the list is the Guidette Love Doll. Now, we have the box art squared away: a girl that, even though she looks like a whore, looks significantly less whore-ish than Snooki, which I think is a compliment, and a picture of a couple of neon palm trees that are native to that island of sluts off the coast of Costa Rica.

Gary: Is that true? Is that a real island?

Charles: No. Those trees were cropped out of a picture taken by one of our interns in front of a Vegas strip club. The rest of the picture involves cocaine and a fully exposed female orifice. We tried putting the whole picture on the box, but focus testing groups thought we were trying to sell them a back-alley gynecological kit. They weren’t that far off, but still. Anyway, we have the box art done, we just need to come up with some sexy, tantalizing slogans to put on the box that will catch eyes and get minds racing with sexy thoughts. Maybe one or two. Nothing too fancy, but nothing too low brow, either. Also, keep in mind; we’re dealing with an inflatable and sex-able facsimile of a reality television star that has a persona that has permeated the national zeitgeist, as evidenced by the countless references to her on late night comedy shows and her own nationally available Halloween costume. In short, we need some slogans that both honor her carefully crafted stage persona and the phenomenon said persona has become. Any ideas?

Gary: Hm. How about something with rhymes? People with erections love rhymes. That’s probably why our Dr. Seuss-themed Ox Cox Sox Box, the box to store your cock socks, did so well for us. So, I’m thinking something like, “Play Nooky with her Snooky!” The joke being, her name is Snooki, which rhymes with nooky, which is a slang term for sexual intercourse.

But with that you’re removing Snooki from the product. By saying, “with her Snooky” it’s almost like you’re telling people they can play sex games with a smaller, even more troll-like version of Snooki that the real Snooki – Snooki Prime, if you will – drags along with her as a kind of pet, or a sort of animal companion. This is a product for people that want to have sex with the real fake version of Snooki Prime, and not a real fake version of the gnome version of Snooki that Snooki Prime carries about like a Quatto.


Gary: I see your point.

Charles: I don’t want to shit all over your idea or anything. It’s solid. It just needs some work. We’ll put that in the Maybe column. The rhyme thing is good, though. Do you have any more rhymes?

Gary: Yeah, how about: “The Jersey Whore Who Always Wants More!” This one is my personal favorite, as it contains both a rhyme and a play on words.

Charles: Yes. Yes, it’s very Lewis Carroll — who, I understand, is a hero of yours.

I like to think his spirit hovers over my shoulder, guiding my hand as I write playful and clever rhymes for plastic things men ejaculate in to. I’m – I’m carrying on his legacy.

Charles: And that’s why you’re one of the best in the male masturbation toy packaging slogan business, Gary.

Thanks, Chuck.

Charles: Okay, so, back to the Jersey Whore thing. That’s a strong one. It really taps in to vein of your average sexually aroused male customer who doesn’t want to deal with a prude-ish plastic facsimile of a pseudo-celebrity. He wants a plastic facsimile that is always willing to do his sexual bidding at a moment’s notice, even if it’s immediately following a recently ended session of pumping his pelvis in to what is, essentially, a more elaborate version of those arm floaties parents put on their kids so they don’t drown at the beach.

Water wings.

Charles: Right, water wings. Water wings that look like a human/troll hybrid that you can f*ck. And, ya’know, I never thought about it before, but we should really think about tapping in to the market of guys that grew up using water wings a lot and have probably developed a fetish over them.

Gary: Something like, “Red Bull may give you wings, but this will give you DICK WINGS.” And that’s the name of it: Dick Wings™.

Charles: That’s good. We would just have to make sure people don’t mispronounce it and say dick rings. We don’t want to get people confused and they run off and buy from our competitors over at Dick Rings, LLC. But that’s neither here nor there. But, man, we are crushing this idea generating both here and there, and all over the damn place.

Gary: We’re so good at this.

Charles: That we are, friend. So, Jersey Whore is good. What else do you have?

Gary: “She’ll suck the cream right outta your cannoli!”

Charles: That’s not a rhyme. Like, at all.

Gary: Oh, I understand that, Chuck. But, you see, with that one I was going for more of a mental image that, as you suggested earlier, plays with the idea of her persona. While Snooki may not actually be Italian, people perceive her to be Italian.

Ah, I get it now. But I’m kind of digging the rhyme thing. Is there any way to make this a rhyme while preserving the integrity of your creation?

Hm…how about…uh…“She’ll gobble down your Gabagool!” Or maybe, “She’ll stuff her punani with your Panini!”

Charles: Eh, that last one sound too much like the doll will become sentient and feed her plastic vagina pressed sandwiches. YOUR pressed sandwiches. So, no. The original will do. Got any more?

Gary: Yeah. Two. The first is, “I want your friggin’ SAUSEEGE!” This one perfectly captures the Italian theme, while also declaring the doll’s love for the sauseege.

Charles: What’s sauseege?

It’s like a sausage, but in Italian speak.

Oooh, now I get it. Clever.

Thank you. And lastly, I have “Fill her 3 greasy gravy holes!”

Charles: She has gravy holes now? Is that a real thing, or is that something R&D came up with? If it’s the latter, do we hold the patent on the 3 greasy gravy holes? I’ve never heard of it. That sounds like it could be lucrative for us in the long run.

No, no, no. That’s just a thing they say. Well, they never said that exact thing, as far as I know. I just know that they say the word gravy a lot, I think. But, again, the mental imagery. That’s what I’m trying to play with.

My concern is, do men that buy our products want to place their genitals in a hole filled with savory gravy? I mean, I know that’s not what it is, but that’s the image we’re putting out there – that she has 3 orifices, all of which are brimming with a brown, flour-based meat sauce usually reserved for potatoes of the mashed ilk. Does our customer base find that appealing?

Gary: I’ve got five words for you, Chuck: “Lipstick on a pitbull dick.”

Charles: My God, you’re right. That Palin doll sold ass loads…so to speak. I think you might be on to something here.

I know. I’ve got that feeling, too.

Charles: Gary, do you want to high-five our fantastic idea session?

Gary: Lets.

High Five

3 Responses to "The Marketing Meeting To Decided How To Package The Guidette Love Doll"

  1. Puff says:

    Do you guys proofread anymore? I want to read your articles but it feels like I need some kind of rosetta stone to decipher your grammar.

  2. Scared of them says:

    Muff cabbage anyone?

  3. gorgio panzini says:

    love the last picture, it’s got it all ’bout modern times… So in fine quite an appetizer this box! Bravo! Love the palm trees too.
    Thanx HT, you’re a shining flame in the endless dark digital tunnel of the www.