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Masturbating Is Way Too Easy For Kids These Days

When I was twelve, one day at little league practice I was warming up and I overthrew Randy, the kid I was playing catch with, and the ball went into this forest  that was behind right field.  Randy wandered in after the ball, except after a couple minutes, he still hadn’t come out.  Then all of a sudden I see Randy sprinting  out of the forest, clutching a bunch of magazines to his chest like a mother carrying her child away from an explosion.  He looked at me and the other guys on ou team and he was like "I GOT PORNO!    RUUUUUUNNNNN!!!"
 
 
So, we started running, and about two seconds after Randy emerged from the forest, two homeless dudes came tearing ass out of the forest after us, screaming "Gimmie back my titties!"  Meanwhile, Randy’s dad, who was one of the coaches, turns around to see Randy sprinting past him carrying about twenty porno magazines, followed by the rest of the team, closely trailed by two homeless dudes, one of which was wearing a shirt commemorating a 10k walk/run for Breast Cancer, which may have explained his stamina, as he wasn’t tiring out. 
 
 
I caught up to Randy, and he, out of breath, he goes "Take some of this porno, and then you go left and I’ll go right, he can’t chase both of us."  I was like "Dude, Randy, GOOD ASS IDEA."  So we split, and I went left.  Unfortunately right, was not only the homeless dude, but Randy’s dad.  Randy got tackled, and his dad took the porno mags and gave them back to the homeless dude.  But I kept running.  And I made it all the way to my house, where I dug a hole in the backyard, like I was trying to hide a body, put a newspaper in the hole, and then put the porno on top of it.
 

 
 
 
And this ladies and gentleman, was how hard it was to get your hands on porno in 1993 if you didn’t have an older brother who wasn’t an asshole.  (Mine were).
 
Kids today, they can literally type in "party" into google search and on the front page get five pictures just like this one:
 
 
Not only that, but it’s just as easy, if not easier, to find porn videos.  When I was little, a Porno movie was like a Lamborgini: you knew they existed but you’d never seen one in person.  Mostly you just talked about how you were definitely going to have one when you were older. 
 
Why do I bring all this up?  Am I just bitter?  Probably a little.  But I think in the grand scheme of history, no one will document the struggle we had.  WWII veterans have countless documentaries, movies, and books.   Where is our "Saving Private Ryan," our "Band Of Brothers?"  We must make the kids of today aware, so that the next time they click on porntube.com and search for "tittie fucking" and even though they spell it wrong they still bring up 85 videos, they realize just how lucky they are.

93 Responses to "Masturbating Is Way Too Easy For Kids These Days"

  1. Dommer says:

    Unfortunately, I can relate to the guys talking about MTV’s the grind… the 180′s that can happen there were brutal… but my story is about going thru my dad’s porn treasure chest cabinet under his bedroom TV that was a VHS library of porn. It never seemed gay at the time– but my buddy Josh and I watched a bunch of them together. Def didn’t J.O. in each other’s presence; but watched a sh*t ton of porn. Our favorite was called “Stiff Competition 2.” It was in a wrestling ring and 3 “couples” would compete to see who can get their partner to blow the biggest load… priceless. Ron Jeremy was the ref/doctor, and was called in to check on this one chick’s “pulled cl*t muscle.” He was going to disqualify her, but she demanded to stay in the competition screaming she “can still suck!” -and blew Ron while the other dude sat there on his knees w/his schwanson still inside her wounded crotch… The tape was borrowed by Josh, and he put it in the back of an piano/organ that his parents had up in their loft. It was discovered by his mother months later, and taken– but she never said a word to us about finding it.

  2. Dug E. Fresh says:

    I could write an epic comment, but I won’t.

    I’ll just note two things. Victoria’s Secret use to rule, no air brushing of the nipples and bush.

    and my Dad had a playboy subscription for a few years, 1992-1994 I believe.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Lucky for me, we had several of the Spanish channels in our TV area, and god damn, the TV shows they had on there were insane! (They still do, but they’ve since been forced to tone it down a notch)

    Chicks shaking their asses in g string bikinis and all that… it wasn’t porn, but it did the trick!

  4. CA Pornlover says:

    Club Magazine… I still can describe in perfect detail the girls from the first Club I read, down to nipple size, shape and color and what lingerie they were wearing. That was in 1991 or so and I was 14. One had big naturals and huge nipples. To this day I dream about sucking on a chick’s tits with huge nipples because of that mag’s influence on my pubescent mind. Gawd dayummm.

  5. 1990 says:

    My first experience with porn was in 2002, 12 years atm. The whole family checked into a shabby motel. In one of the drors I found a porno book. With several stories and a few titty pictures. Back then, I was mighty satisfied jerking of two WORDS and occational pictures. Imagine…

    However, the last story in the aprox. 200 page book, was between an OLD man, and a young Man. Pics included…. I felt sick, burned the book (realized I could have just ripped out the last part later on :-( ) But then. THE glorious internet appeared. Free porn, only at the cost of my soul….

  6. Anonymous says:

    Duuuude, that is the best idea ever!

    I only wish I wasn’t 25 years too old to do it myself!

  7. Anonymous says:

    touchdown

  8. norcal says:

    These comments are full of win as is the story.

  9. Anonymous says:

    For those of us who are old enough to remember walking a mile uphill to school, both ways. Porn was indeed hard to come back then. Fortunately, I did in fact have an older brother who bequeathed his Playboy and Penthouse collection to his overjoyed 5th grade kid brother back in the summer of 1969. It was good fortune and helped sew the seeds for me in middle age. I am very much part of the tweener generation. I have to supply porn to my 84 year old father in Florida, although at his age it does him no good, and my 24 year son. As my father says “shit doesn’t fall far from the ass.”

  10. griffen says:

    I jerked to Nun’s on the Run, a movie- MULTIPLE times- it was pg-13 so my parents wouldn’t question it, and It had the AWESOMEIST shower scene with some HOT ass nuns, I also remember finding my first porn magazines at the town dump inside a boxcar, on top of a rack, musta been one of the county workers that hid it up there, then I also dug a hole in the woods and put them in a plastic bag in case of the weather, I remember stopping out months later and forgetting the rock. DAMN finding and keeping porno back then was TOUGH…and this was 1990 for christssake

  11. Corpsman says:

    My first porno days lacked planning. I was around the age of 10 and my pops was subscribed to Playboy Magazine which he kept in a magazine rack in the master bathroom. I always checked em out when my parents were at work but one day I had a brilliant plan. I grabbed my camera and took a ton of pictures of these hot bushy broads until my roll of film was full. I had another roll of pictures from vacation and the next week we went to Target and got them developed. I couldn’t remember which envelope had the Playboy pics and when my parents asked to look at all the pictures I said fuck it, 50/50 chance here, and grabbed an envelope. Unfortunately as I ripped through my pictures my parents got an eye full of tits and ass. To say the least I didn’t see another playboy until I was 18.

  12. Anonymous says:

    I used to use my VHS of Roadhouse almost exclusively. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard “You’re gonna be my regular Saturday night thing” or had to rewind quick before they showed Swayze’s ass after showing titties in the love scene. Man, that movie was loaded with boobs and masturbatory fun. The wet t-shirt contest with “Mustang Sally” playing in the background? Gold.
    Before Roadhouse came into my purview, I had once located a porn shack, stole all the porno pics out of it and was promptly caught by my buddy’s Dad while I was sneaking back home. I remember running from him after he caught his kid with all his porno pics and dumping the evidence down a gutter. That was the worst, man. Being so close to having all that porn in my room all to myself and having to dump it.

  13. Logan says:

    This is the most kick ass kid-business EVER

  14. Baked Potato says:

    On a related note, the guy who showed me the first porno I ever watched also had a sure fire solution for preventing his kid from becoming a porn fiend like him. He said when he grew up and had kids, he’d put a porno tape on the top of a shelf, and tell his son to never ever ever watch that video. Then he’d put a hidden camera in the room, and record it when his son eventually spanked it to the porno. Then one day he’d replace the porno on the shelf with the recording of his son jerking it. Done. Problem solved. Kid will never watch porn again.

    Luckily, he still has yet to have any children.

  15. Pratik says:

    I got to know this guy in my class in 8th grade, who actually lived next door to me. One day he brings over his dad’s Playboy, hiding it under his shirt as he ran across the lawn to my door. He was like “dude check this out!”

    I was like HOLY FUCK. The rest is history.

  16. dutch says:

    i remember visting a friend at his home, when his parents weren’t there. We visited his parents bedroom, he dug through some underwear and socks, and showed me a dildo and several porn magazines. He gave me one, that was nice of him. I wasn’t so fortunate at home to have porn magazines.

  17. Anonymous says:

    I remember staying at some weird hotel room with my parents, it had a living room area with a TV. After my parents went to sleep I found some scrambled porn. This was only the 2nd time I had ever seen porn in my young 13 year old life. I turned down the volume and anxiously waited to see that blueish green titty. Oh it was glorious. You could make out a body part every few seconds.

    The bad thing was I was constantly afraid that my parents would wake up and see me taking care of business. So with remote in one hand and cock in the other, I sent countless unborn children to scrambled porn heaven.

    So yeah, much harder to get the porn back in the 80′s and 90′s. The guy talking about his slow internet download of a porn clip, SHUT UP, you are one of the lucky kids everybody is talking about.

    But yes, god bless the internet and all of it’s wonderful porno.

  18. Ultramagnus says:

    I inherited a few boxes full of cominc books from my uncle when I was about 13(1993). Apparently he liked Porn aswell, as to my great surprise, underneath in the bottom of all those Donald Duck comics was a secret layer of porn mags. Some of them were old black&white mags with really bushy bushes. But beggars can’t be choosers, and I was defenitely begging. Happy times.

  19. BigBoss says:

    hahaha.. funniest thing I heard all day! But you got to admit, it’s sounds like a sure thing.

  20. Baked Potato says:

    these are the most epic comments on any blog post in the history of epic comments on blog posts. i think every single commenter on this thread should get a t-shirt and you guys need to give out a Team Comment Of The Week award.

  21. KodyG says:

    After reading all of these great stories, I felt compelled to share my own. It all started for me when I saw the pool scene from National Lampoon’s Vacation on TBS. It soon progressed into watching VH1 for hours waiting for a Mariah Carey or Christina Aguilera music video. My first true porn experience happened during a kid’s birthday party. It was 4th grade, His parents rented a room for like 3 of us so we could go swimming. Once his parents were sleeping we discovered the joys of late night HBO. With the TV muted we would watch about 10 seconds of some competition that involved some chicks with huge tits racing to put condoms on cucumbers, then we’d hit return and go back to comedy central. This went on for well over an hour. Finally, we got the balls to just watch it for like a whole minute at a time, when out of nowhere the fuckin air conditioner makes a loud ass pop noise, and water starts spraying out of the bottom. We all freaked out, immediately shut the TV off and tried to act like we were sleeping as his parents woke up with a “What the hell was that?” Then it became an issue of trying not to laugh as they realized half the hotel room was now a huge puddle. Of course the one kid who wasnt really invited made a noise and got us caught. Fucker.

  22. kigol says:

    HAHAHAHAHA awesome post and comments. for me it was the sears catalog, until i found some Hustlers from the 80′s in one of my dad’s storage boxes in the garage. i always wondered why the labels on that one box were scribbled with a sharpie until i opened it an was like, “YES!”. i spent many days in that garage. to this day i am still fascinated that i can get any movies i want online for free. at least we lived to see this great time.

  23. TrillVille says:

    I used to fap it to those crappy ass sex scene in the movies. So, for like the 1 minute the sex scene lasted I would press rewind and watch it again and again until busted one. But it would suck beceause I would have to stop doing it, rewind, start doing it again.

  24. Duncan says:

    I actually stole the Victoria’s Secret catalog out of the mailbox each month, clipped the pictures out, and sold them in the bathroom at elementary school. To increase their value, I told the other kids that they were out of Playboy. They sold for a buck a piece and I was stacking cash like Scrooge McDuck.

    Of course, the hardest part was cutting the pictures out so that there was no catalog text in the picture. Sometimes it left me with a very small picture of one tit, but it was still enough to sell to the retarded kids in my 5th grade class.

  25. PrickRolled says:

    Strick parents are the worst, yo.

  26. nate says:

    My parents were pretty strick Christians, so I was rather limited. What did it for me was Anne Baxter and Yvonne De Carlo in ‘Ten Commandments’… Dude, I’m so going to hell for whacking it to a bible flick! HA! There was also Princess Leia in the metal bikini. My first real boner I think…

  27. Verus says:

    I still remember the first porn video I waited like an hour to download on dialup on my old ass computer. Real player played it framey and it was only a trailer for herfirstbickdick, but it was amazing. I knew that I would forever love porn.

  28. buttbaster says:

    We had to make do with things like Victoria’s Secret catalogs and National Geographic. Kids these days are starting off on bukkake and ass-to-mouth. It’s like getting a Ferrari as a first car.

  29. justin says:
    I did not think I would get this kind of response from a story about stealing porn.  I only wish I had 50 t-shirts to give away.  Let me correct myself, I only wish I wasn’t too lazy to mail out 50 t-shirts.
  30. norcal says:

    Oh yeah, the first porn vid I saw was on a friend’s beta max (remember those?). It contained scenes of a gross looking dude sucking his own dick and a chick with no foot stump fucking another girl.

    Not exactly a great start but I figured it out eventually.

  31. Anonymous says:

    I remember staying at some weird hotel room with my parents, it had a living room area with a TV. After my parents went to sleep I found some scrambled porn. This was only the 2nd time I had ever seen porn in my young 13 year old life. I turned down the volume and anxiously waited to see that blueish green titty. Oh it was glorious. You could make out a body part every few seconds.

    The bad thing was I was constantly afraid that my parents would wake up and see me taking care of business. So with remote in one hand and cock in the other, I sent countless unborn children to scrambled porn heaven.

    So yeah, much harder to get the porn back in the 80′s and 90′s. The guy talking about his slow internet download of a porn clip, SHUT UP, you are one of the lucky kids everybody is talking about.

    But yes, god bless the internet and all of it’s wonderful porno.

  32. RoboPanda says:

    My dad kept porn in his sock drawer. Not sure why he needed so many magazines with only naked dudes in them, but, hey, beggers can’t be choosers.

  33. mimziclese says:

    HAHAHA Zing

    kid 1
    dad 0

    that was harsh bro

  34. JM says:

    Ahhh I can still fondly remember the SMELL of old porno mags that had gotten wet and then dried in the outdoors for me and my friends to find and then stash in the tree forts. We discovered a Newspaper Recycling Dumpster that we could climb in and would find bags of porno every couple of months and share it between each other. Those were the days. Or the first couple times I worked up the balls to walk into a quickie mart and ASK for a Club magazine and hope they didn’t ID me.

  35. d0gma says:

    I was lucky, for some reason, my house received the Fredericks of Hollywood catalogue. Now THEY sold the good stuff, nipple-less lingerie and so many beautiful models wearing it.

    I think I need a minute.

  36. Al Frank says:

    Terrific story! It’s true, we should write down our porn-drama stories.

  37. Anonymous says:

    LULZ

  38. Buddy Ice says:

    haha, I used to do that too. The absolute fucking worst though was when right as you were about to bust your nut the scene would change to some dude dancing, and you’d be past the point of no return. God, that sucked. You would be hunched over, sweating, trying to be be a fucking jerk-ninja at the same time so no one heard you, then douche-mcdouchebag would pop on the screen and your like “OH SHIT NO”, and you close your eyes to try and picture the last woman you saw on the screen, but all you saw was that cheesy cockburger doing the white-boy shuffle to some gay Boys-To-Men song.

  39. Anonymous says:

    As did I. I used to live in the porn deprived land of Saudi Arabia where they would actually cut out scenes where people kissed each other on the lips. This was like in the early to mid 90s. So when my parents got a satellite dish that had MTV, I was jerking it every day during that small 30 minute period between the time I got back from school to when they came back from work. And if they went out of the house to get groceries, I would stop whatever I was doing, turn on MTV and pray that there were some scantly dressed females on tv so I could masturbate again. It would take me like 10 seconds to blow my load.

  40. inkngrease says:

    I had to beat off too MTV’s the grind when I was a kid. today kids get porn in whatever flavor they want at the push of a button. It’s just not fair!!

  41. Dirk Digler says:

    In my youth I found the best way to rub one out was to call 1-900-jack-off and speed jerk until it asked you for your credit card and the moaning stopped… It was that option or watch Hook the movie and jerk it to Julia Roberts

  42. Musicman says:

    lol I had a similar thing back in my day..When I was 13 going on 14, it was 2000-2001…by then, porn started to get on the internet…but my dad had parental controls so it made finding porn the hardest thing ever…I had a friend who had some porn and he lent them to me. Even after all this time I still have those same porn mags. To me, it is a prized collection of artifacts that should be framed, and put on any wall in a house…so when friends come over I can tell them the story.

    It’s true, I may be young in camparison to some of you folks…but it’s sooo damn easy to get porn now!

  43. Anonymous says:

    and just where the fuck is this club at, cuz i gotta go

  44. timmy the dying boy says:

    It’s sad. I’ve taken to the age of 50 to become totally desensitized and jaded by all this, but kids tody are going to lose interest by the time they’re 25.

  45. Anonymous says:

    There is a movie that most of you would have loved, and blockbuster had it out on display. It was called Hybrid. A horrible alien rip off where porno music and girls showered with each other rubbing up against each other and rubbing soap and water into each others bodies. definitely a soft core rated, I believe, pg13. I think it came out in the early 90′s.

  46. hlb says:

    in 1952 i watch’d my cuz’s J/0 with a WWII pic of titties and bush on a glossy of a blond called GIGI. Then they had their sister hold a heifer so they could stand on a box for “it”. I was 7 then. at 9 I found porn in my stepDads navy =bag and took it to my Gf(11) and we tryed the stuff out.most were paperbacks Popeye&Olive0yl/ brutus. Popeyes Whanger got 5 feet tall with spinach. Dick Tracy was a good one, nice clothes on the ladies.Betty Boops were the mostest she gave head while she talked about the good job the BOYS were doing in Afirca/Italy.The guys would hang their service hats on her T H O’s so you could tell Who was UP.My buddies and I played Army every day and fought Nazi/Commies/japs but when we were back in camp we’d start the fire and CircleJerk on it to pic’s of Annette(MMC) Funicello. True detective and Jane”knockers” Russell. Somtimes one of the Sisters was there and we would let her do the 2 hand happy dance on us to see who could come the fartherest/the most/fastest.we compared sizes and colors and but never touched each other.only girls could touch it or it would wilt and die on the vine.

  47. Jaime says:

    Hi, I am from Spain. It is amazing how the situation was exactly the same for us. I remember the first time I did was with a travel magazine in which there was some Hawaiian girl in the front cover, she wasn’t even fully naked, you could only see her tits. Fifteen years later I still remember them.

    And actually there were few people who could masturbate while watching the porn channel codified. Lucky bastards.

  48. fuckingright says:

    i fucking remember watching scrambled porn on like channel 99 back in the day. you occionally got to see like half a boob or a nip if you were lucky, you could still here the nosies though.

  49. Anonymous says:

    Great to read about our lost generation’s masturbation rites. My most valid memories were when National Geographic or some fashion mag (didn’t matter) did a hi-light on nude beaches and I saw some Aussie girl’s tiny tits god the memories. It them moved on to Fredrick’s of Hollywood and Victoria’s Secret. Then there was Shannon Tweed, she was a godsend during the Skinemax days, finding my parents porn mag was the highlight of it all. I will never forget John Ramboner and the Lesibian Prison Scene. These images are still forged in my mind. Nowadays I keep safe search off on my google just so I can get the random porn…the GLORY

  50. DENVER FTW!! says:

    I actually found some porno’s in a hole in the woods one time

  51. Older than dirt says:

    In 1974 I found an 8mm skin flick in a trash pile from where they evicted someone from an apartment. Not having a projector, I spent weeks looking through a magnifying glass at those tiny images.

  52. Anonymous says:

    If you had cable you could count on Skin a max(Cinemax). Emmanuel movies were gold, even if Adam West was in it.

  53. MsMIsery says:

    Wow this should be titled “the secret struggle of men”… I had no idea the lengths boys would go just to beat their meat…

  54. Anonymous says:

    growing up I had older brothers so I was pretty well set for porn, until they eventually moved away and I was in a time of limbo for a few years between the last brother leaving and me being old enough to buy my own. This was 1980s > 90s. Talk about frustration!

    but yeah I agree, if I had access then to what I can find now on the net, I’d never have come out of my room, ever.

  55. Anonymous says:

    you guys are legends in my eyes.I got my first playboy mag in 2005…I’m 26 now! I can’t belive what I’ve been missing all my life!!

  56. Captain save a hoe says:

    I totally agree, I never dreamed that Porn would be so easy to get today. What I miss most is the cloak & dagger stuff of hiding porn.

    Kids today can easily hide porn on a cell phone,USB drive etc especially with broadband & torrents they can easily delete it and download again, I remember hiding my Penthouse & Hustler mags in a cavity underneath a bookcase in my room, & that case was a bitch to move. I sold off the rest of the mags when I moved out but my 1998 Chasey Lain centerfold copy of High Society which remains there to this day.

  57. Jaime says:

    Sorry for writing again, but I just remembered the first days of internet porn. I remember downloading pictures was painfully slow. Back then, the images obviously did not depicted sex, it was basically a naked woman. Still we use to print the images and share them at school. I even remember one day a guy brought a bunch of floppy disks “full” (one floppy had like 1.4 Mb capacity) of pictures. Fuck, we were so desperate.

    Thanks for the post, and for bringing back those old good memories.

  58. Anonymous says:

    Funny shit, I am 42 years old and porno mags were like gold. My story. We were clowning around one day, we were 12-13 year olds, and these older kids came up and started harassing us and wanting to fight, we were alot smaller and had no chance, and all of sudden my buddy said to these guys, “I know where some skin books are at!” These dudes just stopped and said “Where?” He said follow me, we went behind this old movie theatre and down these old cement stairs that went to the basement was a fucking shitload a skin books, and we were all down there looking at them saying shit like, I like titties the best, I big hair pies, back in the 70′s big hair pies were the shit, lol, but i still laugh when i think about that, And these dudes even said that they wouldn’t beat the shit out of us now, because of the books. Funny shit

  59. Melissa says:

    Well, not only can you look up pics and videos on the internet and be bombarded with results. You can even see live girls doing nasty things. Shoot, google “TubeCams” and you’ll see what I mean. Snag daddy’s credit card to age verify (which is free and doesn’t show up on the statement) and you’re in. Now you have access to live women. Wow. I like TubeCams which is why I picked it but there ar emany more sites.

  60. Anonymous says:

    Yeah is so easy to find porn today. When I was growing up I could watch porn on our illegal cable box but it was scrambled.

  61. CA Pornlover says:

    Lived on a ‘scenic’ road; lots of joggers, but just as many beer drinking porn readers. I scored a new porno mag monthly just ‘going for a walk, mom’. Seriously, what 11-16 year old walks hahahahaha? Oh mom, you naive retard.

    Stashed most of it under my bed or in a shoe box somewhere. Someone should’ve federally mandated teaching 5th graders that ‘under the mattress’ is a bad hiding place.

    Surprised nobody’s mentioned nostalgia and a serious thing for ‘vintage porn’. Often my finds were oooold stashes with pages stuck together… I frickin’ love tasteful bush (no pun intended) cuzza softlight hazy 80′s Playboys.

    Another favorite fap – Soul Train on Saturday mornings when my folks went shopping. Rubbed my poor dick raw with rewinds of that show.

  62. Anonymous says:

    usa late night silk stockings(stalkings?) was my saving grace for porno material in between having my parents take the mgazines i would steal from bookstores, when i was 14 though me and a friend lifted a drop ceiling tile in his parents basement that looked a little bit cracked to find a plethora of vhs porn, we thought we were the luckiest kids alive and would always restack them in the same order we found them scared that we might get caught and have our precious treasure taken from us

  63. CA Pornlover says:

    Oh, and convenience stores that didn’t realize (or care?) that Heavy Metal was for 18+. Only mag I ever paid for as a minor. Well, GQ if it had boobies (which it did back then – nips and all – Elle MacPherson comes to mind).

  64. Pierre says:

    Holy crap taco, best post ever. Best comments ever.

    Bullshit, us europeans had a hard time too back in the 80s. Although my dad was a car mechanic so when i’d go hang at his work some times they’d have piles of pron mags, and i’d sneak one off every once in a while.

    I had my mind blown though, being from Sweden, pron wasn’t as public as you would think. But once I was down in Denmark visiting some relatives, and those motherfuckers had nudey shots (think “classy”, with bush and nerps) in their “Housekeeping Weekly” equivalent magazines. I read those mags over and over. For the articles, obviously.

    I also remember getting busted for shoplifting a nudey mag with a friend when i was like 15. Mortifying experience. dumbass kids we were, the nudey mag stand was right outside the security office, separated by a window and a thin curtain – they saw us skulk off with our prey clear as day while we were scanning left and right for clerks.

    Other classic memories are the National Geographic picture articles of Native (topless) tribes, or one especially fond memory “The Nude Maja” by francisco de goya in the encyclopedia. lawls.

    http://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Francisco_de_Goya

  65. buttbaster says:

    You know what else pisses me off? Europeans. Kids over there are exposed to this shit from day one. Seriously, they’ve got orange juice commercials over there with like lesbians and dildos, it’s ridiculous.

  66. Dug E. Fresh says:

    1996 or 1997, my friend bought a high Sony VCR. The playboy channel came through with no audio and in B&W. Good times.

  67. Locked bathroom says:

    Psssh, you had it good. Back in my day we had the spice channel. It was scrambled and the only time there were any sounds was after 10pm. Try swinging that at 11 with only the living room tv.

  68. Anonymous says:

    Sounds to me like the pervs in your town switched up their game from candy+van…

  69. Anonymous says:

    That’s a beautiful story.

    I found most of my porn in forests too, but it wasn’t guarded by homeless porn watchmen. I’ve often wondered how the porn got into the forest, and why it was always pristine when I found it.

    I don’t know how it got there, but I think I know how I found it. I figure 13 year old boys have some kind of porn ESP. I must have been the Porn Kreskin based on how many titty magazines I pulled out of the woods.

  70. Anonymous says:

    Bleu Nuit

  71. kiko says:

    A Date With Me
    ;)

  72. Anonymous says:

    Wow am I the first girl to comment on this? We like porno to for god sake. Um MTV was good in the late 80′s/early 90′s, the video for Chris Isaac’s “Wicked Game” (the one where he rolls around naked with Helena Christenson on a beach) did the trick. Also if you are from Canada, Quebec TV channels almost always had a soft core porn movie on at 1130 at night on Saturdays, every slumber party we would all stay up to watch it. Or me alone. Thank god the French are so dirty and so am I. Do I win something for being a porn-loving girl? I think I should.

  73. That Dude says:

    NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  74. Anonymous says:

    and women will never understand the strugle we had.

  75. Duncan says:

    I had a friend that was convinced that he could fix the scrambled porn channel by manipulating the tracking on the VCR. There is no telling how many hours we lost trying to dial in those elusive settings. That’s me, chasing the porno dragon since 1990.

  76. Anonymous says:

    I remember watching scrambled porn on cable TV. You could see a skewed tit every few seconds and filter out the fuzzy sounds to hear the ladies moaning.

  77. Now a days i can find lots of porns, but most of them are not boy or not girls, they are _______,

  78. d0gma says:

    I remember the first porn I saw. I was 8 or 9 and my uncle had been staying with us for a few months. One day, just exploring like kids do, I pushed the mattress on his bed up and I found it! It was black and white and looked like a 70′s type porn, very bushy. Unfortunately, at that age, you just can’t keep a secret and it wasn’t long before my parents got it out of me and threw (I assume) the magazine away.

    Fast forward about 5 years…I remember walking home from school. Me and my friends see this bag and it’s full of shredded porn. We spent hours looking for the most intact pictures. Ha! Then, one of them got free cable and we’d go to his house after school and watch the porn channels. I don’t remember specifically which one it was, but it had some show called “The Erogenous Zone.” We had no clue what erogenous was, but damn we watched it.

    It was a few months later that I found my dad’s porn magazines. He only had two, they were Hustlers from 1988 (it was 93 by this point), one was an all blonde special mag, the other was a regular issue. Man, I became obsessed with Hustler.

    That was about the time I started splicing together my “master tape.” It was culled from some movie called “Reform School Girls” which had a bunch of shower scenes, the nude parts in the Friday the 13th movies, and anything else I found lying around that had some nudity in it.

    By the time I was 16, I had enough balls, and was tired enough of the meager porn I had, to try to buy it from the local convenience stores. I quickly learned that if I was the only customer in the store, the dude would sell it to me without carding and so I would sometimes wait 30 minutes or more for the store to finally empty out to make my purchase.

    Kids these days have it way too easy.

  79. its true it is easy to find porns these days

  80. Dom says:

    Dude this made my day. I remember when me and my friends found a bunch of porn mags in our neighbor’s recycling bin inside an empty 24pk of pepsi. If you are asking how we found it, cause we were fucking looking for it, that’s how. Those were the days man.

  81. Anonymous says:

    I ripped a hole behind the cushion of my banana chair and stuffed it with the only two porn mags that I could get my hands on. I kept them there for years until my parents sold the chair in a garage sale. That’s like passing on the holy grail! I didn’t have time to make the transfer before it went out the door so I just smiled at the lucky kid that bought it.

  82. Cooter says:

    As a kid I searched the earth high and low for porn, or anything that even resembled it. Fuck kids today who can just log onto the net and download whatever the f they want. Even when the internet first came out I remember downloading porn at 28k! Of course, kids today have a lot more explaining to do when their mom walks into your room and you’re watching a live hard-core gang-bang on the net verses being caught jerking it to a victoria secrets catalog in your closet.
    Best porn day of my life: found 2 boxes of Playboy and Hustler in my friends basement. 2 FULL BOXES!!!!!
    Best Taco post in months!

  83. T BONE says:

    hahahaha

  84. Ashley says:

    Reading all your stories made me horney!
    Thank you guys!

  85. rodntodd says:

    then you should check out this awesome video for LARRY FLINT’S PORNO BAILOUT (just beware of the dude in the ‘stache):

    http://www.digitalfuntown.com/videos/150

  86. mimziclese says:

    Yea and we didnt have the fancy creams and all that. all we had was a hand full of sand or some Bengay and we liked it!

  87. dicktheassrancher says:

    all you young whippersnappers, back in my day it was the sears catalog or the national geographic, and we liked it!

  88. Anonymous says:

    When I was about 15 my friend told me he had just found his dad’s stash of porn mags and videos. The vids were all in beta format, which explained why he still had that machine when no one else had seen one in 10 years. So we’d watch some together. He had a couple of the Taboo movies and some 70′s/80′s stuff (this was mid/late 80′s).

    One day after school I asked him about going over to see a movie and he looked totally sick and said, “No way! I’m not going in there anymore.” I asked him what happened and he told me that he found some pictures in an envelope. He opened it up and it was his parents going at it…with other couples! His parents were total swingers! He said he turned green and about puked when he saw those pics. The cool thing for me was that his mom was totally hot.

  89. Anonymous says:

    best article EVER!

  90. BigBoss says:

    me too ;)

  91. Ana says:

    This is interesting because I, as a female, never really understood how important porn was to boys until I began getting involved with boys. I heard this on many occasions from my boyfriend how he wishes it was that he is envious how it is so easy to get porn nowadays. You might not have had it as a kid, but at least you can benefit from it now.

  92. Travsity says:

    Top article brother. I was 11 in 1993 and had a helluva time getting any form of porn.