Matthew McConaughey Has Shirtless Baby

I’m starting to think that the real Matthew McConaughey died about five years ago in like, Bali or somewhere in South America, while searching for something like that blood orchid thing that Taye Diggs was looking for in the sequel to Anaconda.  And since he was a bankable star, the studios hid his death and built a robot that looks exactly like him. And in the computer chip that runs the robot, they replaced normal words with the McConaughey versions. Like, instead of saying happy, the McConobot says “stoked.” Then every fifteen seconds it talks about how “awesomely unbridled life is.” This is what I believe, because I refuse to believe an actual adult human being talks like this:

In January PEOPLE’s former Sexiest Man Alive announced the couple were expecting on his website. “Camila and I made a baby together…,” he wrote at the time. “We are stoked and wowed.”

Now they had the baby, which is just a complete and total double stoked wow.

Matthew McConaughey and girlfriend of two years Camila Alves have welcomed a son Monday night

I wonder if when they went clothes shopping for the baby, they bought him shirts.

In the game of life, being dealt the card of “son of Matthew McConaughey and a hot model,” is not too shabby.  You gotta listen to a bunch of his cosmic bullshit, but you’re going to be rich, really attractive, and have the very, very best weed.  Plus, when you’re 24 and busy praying for a second penis because you’re doing so many chicks, you don’t have to worry about McConaughey busting your balls about getting a job, because even if he does, you can use that same cosmic bullshit on him and be like “That’s the train to unstokedville, Dad.  That’s just the world trying to make me into a dude that’s there to fire the pistons, man.”  And he’ll purse his lips and give you a big ass bear hug and then light up a joint.

Anyway, I followed McConaughey home from the hospital, and was shocked when I saw his baby: