Being sexy is no easy task, just ask an ugly person. Man have they failed. A lot of hard work, effort and, yes, some luck is required to meet the high standards of sexy, especially in this day and age. Back when your grandparents were kids, sexy was not being a hobo. That was literally all it took. But times change. Nowadays, if pop culture is to believed, you need to have giant boobs, or pecs, or finely coiffed hair, or be a vampire. Vampires are apparently remarkably attractive. And pasty.
The obvious benefit to maximizing your sex appeal is your increased awesomeness and chances to be featured in situations often depicted in beer commercials, like volley ball with chicks in bikinis or doing your taxes with chicks in bikinis. If you’re already a chick, fear not because that’s awesome. Have fun with those bikini girls.
Naturally if you’re already sexy you’re probably reading this on your yacht eating lobster stuffed with gold and sex and laughing at our feeble attempts to clone you. Screw you, man. Screw you so hard.
For the rest of us, there are some simple tips that can be used to boost your sex appeal. Will these tips make you an Adonis? Lord no. Odds are those restraining orders aren’t going anywhere. But that doesn’t mean you can’t potentially avoid future ones.
Do you have days when you feel it’s easier to shake a t shirt out the window and call it washed rather than actually making it come in contact with soap? Do you do the same thing with your undercarriage? This is not good. Given enough time you may actually start to smell like a curious mixture of old books and a cheese shop. When’s the last time you ever picked up a girl in an old book and cheese shop? You know who actually frequents old book and cheese shops? Mysterious old men who sell you The Neverending Story. Have fun with your Luck Dragon.
No woman likes a filthy man. More specifically, if you meet a woman who likes a filthy man, you may actually be courting a harpy, or some kind of gargoyle in disguise. This is a terrible trap in which to fall and will ultimately end with you being literally eaten. So it’s not worth it. Just bathe, man. Every day.
They say women like sensitive men. Not sure who they are? No one is. They never say who they are. But sometimes they say women like bad boys. Watch how we totally bring that up again in the next segment. It’s like we plan these articles ahead of time.
Anyway, sensitivity means more than just letting her be on top. Sometimes it will behoove you to take a vested interest in lady stuff. Does that mean menstruation, weaves and pointy-toed shoes? Probably. Whatever comes up, just go with it. You have to have an opinion on these things, even if it takes 10 minutes to craft one. Use that. If she’s having a terrible day because of something to do with yeast or depilatories, make sure she knows you’re aware of that and you empathize. If you just met her in a bar, try not to unzip your pants or mention how you’d totally do her and a friend in no time flat.
Oh man, look how we’re right back at the bad boy thing. Is that meta? Probably. We don’t really know what meta means, but it gets bandied around the internet, kind of like pride, salary and other words we don’t understand. But that’s beside the point.
Women rarely like librarians, accountants and children’s entertainers. The guy who does the voice of Elmo has probably never been laid. In fact, he probably has a sex deficit. Like if he had sex three times, he’d still be legally and metaphysically a virgin. You need to up the ante if you want to qualify as someone cool enough to be considered sexy.
Some people take the bad boy ideal too far and start knocking over convenience stores or killing Swedes. Listen, no one likes Swedes but they make decent meatballs so let bygones be bygones and try to focus on something less traumatic. You can be bad without being genocidal. For instance, get some tattoos. Not lame tattoos, the world has too many of those, but cool ones. By default that means you can have no barbed wire, no armbands, no inspirational words in Kanji script and nothing written in Olde English fonts. If you have any of those tattoos already, just tell people they’re meta.
We can tell you how to improve your personality and worldview until we puke sunshine all over you, but at the end of the day if you look like the bastard child of Forest Whitaker and Henry Kissinger it’s not going to make a hill of beans of difference. The fact is we live in a shallow little world and looks matter way more than your mom lead you to believe when she was grimacing and trying to hug your troll-like frame.
Going from CHUD to stud (we just trademarked that phrase and will put it on mugs later) is probably the hardest thing in the world to do. How do you pull it off? Hard work, diet and exercise? Hell if we know, we sit in a basement office and drink fermented Yoo Hoo most days. But we have some numerous ads online for cosmetic surgery. So, you know, tuck aside a good $30,000 and in no time, after a lengthy period of healing, you’ll be as sexy as whoever it is the girls love these days. Justin Bieber? Scott Baio? Whatever.