Meet The Men That Got In To A $3.8 Million Supercar Crash In Japan

You know you’re one of life’s true A-holes when a cop surveying the scene of a horrible, multi-car accident on a highway takes one look at the twisted heaps of steel and the shaken men thankful to be alive and, without even a hint of empathy, calls those men “a gathering of narcissists.”

That’s what the cops that showed up on the scene are calling the men involved in a 14-car pileup that occurred Sunday morning on Chugoku Expressway in Japan. This wasn’t just any old car-pileup, because the accident involved (hold on to your butts!)…8 Ferraris, 3 Mercedes-Benzes, a Nissan GT-R, a Lamborghini Diablo…and a Toyota Prius.

Somehow, that last one I listed is not a joke-entry. I didn’t add that in there for comedic affect. It was a 14 car pileup involving 13 supercars — and a Toyota Prius. Why the Prius was among those cars, we may never know. But, if I had to take a guess, I’d say the rich guys keep the Prius guy around to make them all look that much richer. It’s like when a group of pretty girls drag around that one hunchbacked albino friend of theirs — the one that looks like she always just singed her hair in a frying pan accident only a few minutes prior; thus making them the rest of them that much better to look at.

Thankfully, and somehow, no one was seriously injured.

Highway patrol Lieutenant Eiichiro Kamitani had this very normal thing to say about the accident:

“I’ve never seen such a thing”.

Perfectly reasonable and understandable. And then he said this:

“Ferraris rarely travel in such large numbers.”

As if they were animals that were scavengers rather than pack hunters.  Because as we all know, Ferraris prefer to hunt for gasoline by themselves, rather than using the strength-in-numbers method to hunt down and over-power wild gangs of petrol.

The men involved in the accident have not yet been revealed, which makes this Holy Taco exclusive all the more impressive.

Yes, we have dug-up pictures of a handful of the men involved in the accident. Let’s meet them.

Reginald Cumberbatch Fukuyama

Made his fortune buying and selling money in exchange for more money that he was paid handsomely by other rich guys to turn in to more money by investing it in companies that did the same thing, just with your money.

Chia “Money Dick” Ohba

Has never had to step foot in to a Ross Dress For Less for any reason at any point in his life.

Goro Kazamatsuri

Thinks homes with only one bedroom and one bathroom are a myth perpetrated by the poor to make “the rest of us” feel bad for them.

Hideki Myimoto

Owns four islands. He can’t remember where he put them.

Jun Kuriyama

Was driving the Prius. Also, he looks poor, but that’s actual gold dust that he was caught brown-bagging while driving. It doesn’t get him high in the traditional sense, but it makes his brain feel like as rich and exclusive as a golf course that has courageously upheld its ban on all non-whites well in to the 21^st century.