The NFL draft is here, which means we get to hear Mel Kiper Jr. break down the physical traits of 18-year-old boys all across the country. So, we wondered what it would sound like if Mel broke down something that wasn’t the NFL draft.
MEL: A lot of guys have a lot of different needs, so we’re going to dive into this draft and see who’s the best value!
And with the first pick in the girls at the bar draft, Mel Kiper Jr. selects…
MEL’S ANALYSIS: This night lacks the kind of depth that we may have seen in recent nights, but that doesn’t change the fact that we have a clear cut number one here. All the scouts agree, she is the total package. She has great size and she hasn’t yet let her success go to her head, meaning you won’t have to put in a lot of work to see results from her right away. She has no problem going deep or showing a little finesse by hitting the tight end underneath. When this draft is discusssed a year from now, she will be the name most often mentioned.
The Second Pick
MEL’S ANALYSIS: Although young, she’s got tremendous upside. Other guys that have worked her out have said she possesses skills with her hands that usually come with several more years of experience. The big question mark here is whether or not her slim physique will be able to take the pounding that comes with a one night stand. Scouts are also concerned at how she’ll respond to the faster pace of the session and the lack of cuddling, which she grew accustomed to with the boys she met in her college drama program. Even with all these question marks, she’s definitely a risk worth taking in the second round, as she brings a very athletic frame that you can’t find on some of the older women.
The Third Pick
MEL’S ANALYSIS: Unless someone has a dire need to fill a hole early in the night she should still be hanging around in the third round. She’s not flashy, but no one will fault you for picking her. She probably won’t be someone who you can immediatel insert your penis in to, but if your wingmen spend some time with her, she should be ready to contribute a little later in the night. The effort is there, it’ll just be up to you to see if you can motivate her to get her best performance.
The Fourth Pick
MEL’S ANALYSIS: You look at her olive skin and you think, "Well, this is a first or second rounder." But if you dig a little deeper you’ll see that the face strength just isn’t there and there’s a little few issues concerning fatness and cottage cheese thighs that need to be addressed. But having said that, beggars can’t be choosers this late in the draft. A lot of scouts say she has a lot of passion for drinking too much and having unprotected sex, which makes her a pretty good fit for almost anyone.
The Fifth Pick:
MEL’S ANALYSIS: Scouts were surprised when she came into the bar 20 pounds overweight, which really put a damper on her chances of being taken home first. But what she lacks in physicality, she more than makes up for with her willingness to find a penis, and just put it in her mouth. That’s something you can’t teach, and if she’s taken by a guy who’s home field bedroom has dark lighting, she could be a steal in the later rounds of the night.