Twitter and the internet as a whole are responsible for making our impossible dream come true: we’re a big hit with sexy models. In the real world it wouldn’t make much sense for a beautiful woman such as today’s interviewee Victoria Vertuga to engage in conversation with a group of sweaty losers such as ourselves, but in the Twitterverse, the old rules of the cliquey high school cafeteria are thrown out. One day we’re going to transfer this popularity among good looking people in to the real world, but until then we’re going to have to find some way to get rid of our cystic acne and man-boobs. Conventional methods have yet to make a dent.
You can find Victoria on Twitter at @VictoriaVertuga, or at her personal web site, victoriavertuga.com.
HT: Best place you’ve ever traveled to for work?
Victoria: I’ve traveled really awesome places for fun, but mostly craptastic places for work. The least shitty place I’ve traveled for work is NYC. I love New York Oh wait, Virgin Islands at least they’re islands that’s ALMOST “glamorous” and exciting
HT: Zombies Have Taken Over The Land, You Have To Arm Yourself. What Zombie-killing Weapons Do You Carry With You as You Roam the Post-Apocalyptic Wastelands?
Victoria: Kitchen knives- straight through the brain. And I don’t even have to leave my house to get them. And my trusty zombie killing dog.
HT: Would You Rather have no hands and a helper monkey (the monkey is not homicidal and can grant wishes for others but not you), or the ability to produce a pheromone that causes douchebags to smack themselves?
Victoria: As much as a pet monkey/minion would be awesome, I have to go with the douchebag smacking pheromone. Satisfying without the legal trouble of having to smack them yourself! Genius!
HT: Do you ever date online comedy writers or the people who read their sites?
Victoria: Can’t say that I have. But sense of humor is of paramount importance, so they’d have that going.
HT: Which pick up line is better – “Hey baby, I may not be Fred Flintstone but I can sure bronto your saurus” or “How much does a polar bear weigh? I saw one at the zoo and its ass was nowhere near as nice as yours, probably because of the hair.”
Victoria: I gotta give the edge to the Polar Bear line for sheer creativity. It’s not often people manage to work that into a conversation. And Polar Bears are pretty damn cool. Did you know when they hunt they cover their nose with their paws so that they become entirely white and blend in with the snow? Gangsta.
HT: Other than the few dozen we’ve sent you, have you gotten any strange or creepy messages on Twitter?
Victoria: Not on twitter because no one really knows I’m on there yet. But emails and facebook, oh yes. Here are some highlights – “Let me get lost in your bermuda triangle.” “Can I eat sushi off your naked body?” And I have one guy that keeps sending me these long, drawn out emails about how we’re soul mates I have a special email folder called “Creepy Pervs” just for them.
HT: Has Twitter improved your life in any way? What about Holy Taco?
Victoria: I will be entirely honest here. I’m not sure I “get” twitter. I resisted joining for a long time because I just don’t really see what function it serves. On Facebook you can have conversation threads, look at pictures, etc. Twitter is like- I heard the perfect analogy – You walk into a kindergarten classroom with a cookie and say “whoever yells the loudest gets the cookie”. That’s Twitter. But Holy Taco most definitely. Spreading joy and cheer wherever you go.
HT: Say we finally do go to a waterpark, what do we 100% have to do??
Victoria: The TUBE slides!!!!!! Those are so fun; and we should pull a prank on someone. If someone in the group hasn’t ever gone down the NON tube water slides we should make them do that first and film their epic wedgie because epic wedgies WILL occur.
HT: Barry Manilow, Barbara Streisand or John Tesh? Either to listen to or to become life partners with.
Victoria: Barbara Streisand. Gotta love a Jewish woman. She’ll whip me into shape in no time!
HT: What’s the difference between a thong and a G-string? Because to us it’s all just butt floss.
Victoria: A thong has, like, a centimeter of fabric whereas a string has just a teeny tiny string. But yes, the only good thing about that type of underwear is that it starts out up your butt. Unlike other undies which inevitably end up there anyway. I love butts, I’m a total buttgirl, but I think they look way better in boyshorts or bikinis than g-strings.
HT: What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever had to do during a photoshoot?
Victoria: OH GOD! The list of things to choose from. Okay a few months ago this photographer brought out these rubber poles, like from home depot, metal poles but with rubber grips and he hands them to me and says “Now do your thing”
HT: And your thing was..?
Victoria: God only knows…May those pictures never surface. And I had one guy who wanted me to do every pose with my hands in like a volleyball hitting position for “maximum cleavage.” kind of limiting