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This Meth Is Making Me Thirsty!

crazy eyed meth head

By Pete Dembowski – Meth Head

God damn, this meth is making me thirsty. Do you have any bottled water? No? That’s OK. I’ll just drink some from the old tire in that ditch. Gross! This tire has hair on it! I hate hair. I wish I was totally hairless. In fact, I’m going to start ripping clumps of hair out of my head. God, that feels so good.

God damn, my head is bleeding! I need to rinse off the wound. Do you have any bottled water? No? That’s OK. I’ll just use some from the old tire in that ditch. Awesome, there’s a hair on this tire! I love hair, and this one’s curly, so you know what that means… it’s good luck! I can use some good luck right about now. Things haven’t been going too well for me as of late. First, I lost my job down at Wendy’s, and lately my hair’s been failing out in huge, bloody clumps. Weird, right? It probably has something to do with all that fast food I was eating at Wendy’s. That stuff’ll kill ya. I should sue the shit out of them. But they do make a mean Frosty.

old tire in a ditch

God damn, all this talk about Frosties is making me thirsty. Do you have any bottled water? No? That’s OK. I’ll just drink some from the old tire in that ditch. Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I slashed my bosses tires? Yeah, I used to work at Wendy’s. That place was the bomb, yo! The Baconator was off the chain! Speaking of chains, did you know Wendy’s was a chain? I shit you not, bro! They got one in Cedar Rapids, too. At least they did before the floods.

God damn, all this talk about floods is making me have to piss. Is there a bathroom around here? No? That’s OK. I’ll just piss in that ditch. Dude, there’s an old tire in here, and I’m totally pissing in it! Did I ever tell you about the time I pissed in the ketchup dispenser at work? Yeah, it was hilarious, bro. But my boss caught me, so I got shit canned. But I totally got even with him by slashing his tires! Then I slashed his throat. JUST KIDDING! It was his dog’s throat.

wendys fast food

God damn, I forgot to feed my dog! Is today Sunday? Thursday?! Oh, man. Do you have a car I can borrow? No? That’s OK. I’ll just ride on the old tire in that ditch. I can’t believe I forgot to feed Wendy. That’s my dog’s name. I named her after this restaurant I used to work at. Local, mom-and-pop hamburger joint. Nice people. I used to be a manager there. Had to quit. I caught some punk pissing in the ketchup, and when I fired him, he killed my dog! Shit ain’t worth it, bro. Speaking of worth, it just so happens I’ve got a bottle of water here. What’s it worth to you? How about a hit off that pipe? No? How about I throw in an BJ? Awesome, dude! Pass it over.

God damn, this meth is making me thirsty. Do you have any bottled water? No? That’s OK. I’ll just drink some from the old tire in that ditch. Gross! This tire has hair on it!

 

13 Responses to "This Meth Is Making Me Thirsty!"

  1. Col. Henry Blake says:

    Very well done. It rewards you as you read it, like the film Memento.

  2. BonaFide says:

    You read the film Memento?

  3. Jame Gumb says:
    He was on meth at the time.
  4. moshmosh says:

    that was epic.

  5. A-Chiver says:

    I laughed my ass off. I knew it was gonna be repetitive
    but it just came out to be hilarious.

    Keep it up

  6. Cleanse Body says:

    I am not being paranoid!!!

  7. wut? says:

    nice one holy taco , nice one

  8. DonkeyXote says:

    Holy snookums! Best article in a while!!

  9. derphomod says:

    this is so disturbingly close to the mindset of a meth head.

    Nice iowa name drop there, meth capitol!

    i laughed fucking hard.

  10. Gazza B says:

    Very funny, but very sad :(

  11. k2 summit says:

    HAHA that guys face is priceless.

  12. Anonymously Ill says:

    that is ha halarious.

  13. Some Random Dude says:

    I personally love meth.