Here at Holy Taco, we love Michael Jackson like ugly girls love being bitchy. We understand that he had some dark moments later in life, but his influence on pop music and culture can not
be ignored. Let’s face it, any artist who can inspire an entire Filipino prison to re-enact one of his videos
has made an impression on the world. Therefore, we decided to pay tribute to Michael by highlighting some of his lesser-known works, which are just as awesome as his undeniably awesome music videos.
Moonwalker the Movie
The trailer for Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker looks like an orgy of everything that you’ve ever considered awesome. Remember how badass the T-1000 was in Terminator 2? Well imagine if that T-1000 was Michael Jackson. Remember how awesome Transformers are? Well imagine if Michael Jackson was a Transformer. Y’know how you and your friends are always talking about how neat it is when cool, leather-clad rabbits ride motorcycles? Well imagine if that rabbit was Michael Jackson. Throw in Joe Pesci as a nefarious villain and some super-sweet claymation, and you can’t go wrong. Moonwalker even manages to work in some of Michael’s music videos, to kill time and entertain simultaneously.
The Asian Scooter Commercial
It seems like a bunch of Suzuki executives got together with their ad agency to try to come up with a great commercial for their fairly lame scooter. They sat around for hours, racking their brains for a great idea, and then someone finally said (in Asian), "Hey, how about if we just have the piece of crap scooter thing sitting there, and then we get Michael Jackson to just dance around it for a few seconds." and then somebody else said, "Hell yeah! I’d buy the f*ck out of that scooter!" This is the alluring power of Michael Jackson in his heydey: his presence alone could sell even the shittiest of shitty scooters.
The California Raisins Commercial
Michael Jackson didn’t exactly ooze masculinity, but somehow he managed to make women go absolutely apeshit. This video of Michael as a California Raisin illustrates that phenomenon perfectly. Just one thrust of his claymation raisin pelvis sends the chubby strawberry into a frenzy, presumably causing her to jam in her panties. I have no idea how the hell this sold any raisins at all, or even if they really needed big-budget television commercials to sell raisins in the first place, but I’d be willing to bet that, after this commercial aired, raisins flew off the shelves like they contained the cure to cancer.
Moonwalker: The Video Game
The pitch meeting for this video game probably went something like this:
MANAGER: "Um, okay, so the game is about Michael Jackson walking into a club full of hookers, little girls, and bad guys in suits…but the bad guys in suits aren’t really that threatening, and neither are the hookers. But if they get close to Michael, then he squeals and shoots glitter out of his pants and they die. Oh, and if he rams his crotch into enough little girls, a monkey with a gun jumps up on his shoulders and helps him. That’s about it. Oh! Wait! Sometimes he jumps on a piano and does a dance number, along with the bad guys in suits, who accompany him."
EXECUTIVE: "I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the olde-timey cash register sounds going off in my head. You said ‘Michael Jackson’ and ‘Moonwalker’, right? $old!"
The L.A. Gear Commercial
I remember seeing this commercial when I was a kid, and it absolutely worked on me. I made my mom take me to the store and buy me a pair of L.A. Gear tennis shoes as soon as I could. Also, the shoes had lights on them that blinked everytime you took a step! How cool was that?! One of things I like most about this commercial is that it seems like, when confronted with what is clearly just a faulty street light, Michael Jackson’s first plan of action is to dance until the light explodes, and not only does his plan work perfectly, but he even gets a round of applause from a child afterward. All in all, it seems like it was a bad night for the local power company, and a great night for Michael, thanks to his sweet L.A. Gear shoes.